Abuse....ugh, the word is painful and ugly. When someone first told me it applied to me, I could barely believe it. I did not want to believe it. How ashamed it made me feel that I allowed myself to be abused - that I didn't know better or have the guts to stand against it. But, when a professional counseling person explained what abuse was, and then weighed my experience against the definition of abuse, the scale measured equally.
The news has featured much lately about ...abuse, with the major sports figure having callously beat on his fiancée/wife. And she took it, defends him now and is still with him. This is the part that has so many folks stymied. Yes, we all think the man is horribly selfish, self centered, callous, violent, out of control, and in need of major intervention regarding his behavior and attitudes about those who don't follow his plan.
But, the woman stymies us. Why would she stay? Why would she defend him?
The answer is an abused mind and soul. Unless you have truly been abused, you will not 'get' it. You will judge it, think her ridiculous, stupid, etc. Maybe you have had someone be really crabby at you, making your day miserable by their 'old goatedness'. But, until you experience abuse - that which tears you down slowly, methodically - stealing your worth, your ability to think clearly, your confidence, your very sanity, you will not have compassion for how deeply the wounds alter a person's state of mind and being.
Women, and some men, stay because they think loyalty is a character quality they must possess or they are weak, bad partners - they think marriage is to be kept sacred, unable to see that abuse against them has already taken the sacred nature from the relationship - they are twisted with guilt and mistaken thoughts that to leave or stand up for themselves makes them the bad one, the selfish person, the one not thinking of the children or God's honor - so many sickly manipulated thoughts have been put into the head and heart of someone who has ritually been torn down and controlled by an abuser. Control is the longing of the abuser...absolute control.
Until you've experienced it, do not judge those who have. It happens slowly, after the heart has been won by loving acts - then the foundations are crumbled like termites doing damage to a home's floor boards - invisible, unnoticed, until it is very late in the game.
People who must control are truly sick. Sick of heart and soul. They wreak a damage that is insidious, hard to decipher, and desperately wicked. They tear the soul out of other human beings, making them think the lowness they believe of themselves is deserved. This happens. It really does.
Have compassion - even for that which you have no understanding.
The news has featured much lately about ...abuse, with the major sports figure having callously beat on his fiancée/wife. And she took it, defends him now and is still with him. This is the part that has so many folks stymied. Yes, we all think the man is horribly selfish, self centered, callous, violent, out of control, and in need of major intervention regarding his behavior and attitudes about those who don't follow his plan.
But, the woman stymies us. Why would she stay? Why would she defend him?
The answer is an abused mind and soul. Unless you have truly been abused, you will not 'get' it. You will judge it, think her ridiculous, stupid, etc. Maybe you have had someone be really crabby at you, making your day miserable by their 'old goatedness'. But, until you experience abuse - that which tears you down slowly, methodically - stealing your worth, your ability to think clearly, your confidence, your very sanity, you will not have compassion for how deeply the wounds alter a person's state of mind and being.
Women, and some men, stay because they think loyalty is a character quality they must possess or they are weak, bad partners - they think marriage is to be kept sacred, unable to see that abuse against them has already taken the sacred nature from the relationship - they are twisted with guilt and mistaken thoughts that to leave or stand up for themselves makes them the bad one, the selfish person, the one not thinking of the children or God's honor - so many sickly manipulated thoughts have been put into the head and heart of someone who has ritually been torn down and controlled by an abuser. Control is the longing of the abuser...absolute control.
Until you've experienced it, do not judge those who have. It happens slowly, after the heart has been won by loving acts - then the foundations are crumbled like termites doing damage to a home's floor boards - invisible, unnoticed, until it is very late in the game.
People who must control are truly sick. Sick of heart and soul. They wreak a damage that is insidious, hard to decipher, and desperately wicked. They tear the soul out of other human beings, making them think the lowness they believe of themselves is deserved. This happens. It really does.
Have compassion - even for that which you have no understanding.
