An Adventure with My Father....

No matter my aggravation, my stress, my pain.....I have to testify that my heavenly Father is so abundantly good to me.  Even when I deserve none of His mercy, none of His grace upon my life, He showers each of those, and more, all over my life.

A new year has begun.  Goodness, four days of the 365 are already past.  I was asked on New Year's Eve what my resolutions were to be for the year.  The question stunned me to silence.  Life has felt so insanely busy, stressed, and full of change, I had not even toyed with one smidgeon of a thought about the new year and resolutions or goals to accomplish in it.  Stress began to fill my head at the question when I realized I had planned for nothing as a focus of my time and life.  Now, I know, I know, there is nothing in the Bible or any written rule that commands focused plans. But, doggone it, there sure is some wisdom in making such plans and goals.  And I realized I had none.

Failure! Failure! Failure! is what my mind started flashing.  No plans!! You are accomplishing nothing, Gayle!!!!  You are in mere survival mode all the time, Gayle!!!  You are not moving ahead!!!!  I was hearing these things scream into my thoughts.  STOP!!!!

I had to take my thoughts captive and stop the destructive actions right away.  I'd have myself soon in tears if I did not.

On that same night of the resolution question, I was challenged with hope filled, thought provoking conversation that had the enticing, sweet sound of the heavenly Father saying, "Gayle, do you see?  I'm showing you options out of the survival mode.  Listen, Gayle....I'm whispering sweet nothings of love and hope to you, giving you vision for the possible in your life.  You can move forward.  There are workable means to do so.  Don't despair and feel stuck.  You are NOT stuck.  I have goals and plans for you, my precious Child, and I'm sending you these voices now to show you different ways to carry out those plans.  Let your resolutions be My plans for you.  Let your goals be guided by me. Let me give you the desires in heart that I want you to possess."

At the end of that conversation, I  declared, "I think I have my resolution now!"  

No, I don't have a fully laid out plan for my future.  But, I DO know topics and ideas to research and study.  I know possibilities. And I know someone else believes in me to accomplish some healthy, productive plans for my future and that of my family. 

Most of all, I know my Father wants me on this adventure. He has sent a few more people since that night to challenge me in the same manner.  I think I hear Him whispering, gently seducing me to His well thought out plans for me. He loves me so much, I should never fear going on this adventure with Him.  The heavenly Father paves the way for each step, He goes before me.....why should I ever fear. 

Wait, maybe that should be my resolution for Twenty-twelve....stop fearing, trust the Father in heaven.

Where do I find my peace?

Do you know the American Sign Language sign for peace?  Let me see if I can accurately describe it to you:  place your right hand on top of your left hand, palms facing each other...lie them this way in front of your chest, arms bent at the elbows, of course.  Then, slowly slide the right hand in a circular motion until the hands are in what looks like a praying hands position, then continue the sliding motion but pull your hands away from each other as though you are sweeping cares away softly.  The whole motion is a nice, smooth circular one....hands together, circle into praying position, then wipe cares away. 

This is peace.  Hands can be wringing in anxiety, rubbing together as though the friction will produce electricity to get your brain working to solve a problem....then, you remember to turn to prayer, to hand struggles over to God's care, to cast all cares on Him, to praise Him and thank Him for the trial...then, He wipes the cares away from you and on to Himself as the sovereign King.  Ahhh....peace of mind.  Someone really big and powerful has all my cares on His back.  Wow.

The heavenly Father has been so gracious to me of late....well, all the time, but you know what I mean when I say, 'of late'...it means I'm really aware of His work, His leading, His teaching me. He's been so merciful.  And it seems He's impressing upon me the same message over and over again.  Peace. It is found in His son.  Circumstances do not change the condition of peace in which I can exist.  As I allow my praise and petitions to transform worry, stress and anxiety into prayer, then I will have the peace of Christ Jesus.  God promises this to be so in His word.  I believe His word.

One praise practice I've adopted for stressful moments is my ABC's of Jesus.  When I get really riled up, nervous, or overwhelmed, I start thinking of Jesus alphabetically.  Adonai, atonement, adored, access to the Father, beautiful, Bridegroom, brother, bread of life, covenant maker, Christ, deliverer, exalted, endless in love, eternal God, faithful, friend, first and last, glorious, good, gracious, holy, hallelujah, high priest, Immanuel, joy, Jesus, justification, king of kings, Lord of lords, lover of my soul,  messiah, master, mediator, name above all names, omnipotent, omnipresent, only true God, prince of peace, powerful, quietness of my heart, redeemer, refuge, rock, righteousness, salvation, sanctification, shelter, truth, unending love, united with the Father, victorious over sin, wonderful, eXalted, Yahshua, Zealous for the  Father's house....and on and on, I go.  By the time I get through the alphabet...I always, not one time has it failed, feel more relaxed and peace filled.  God inhabits the praise of His people, our minds set up him will bring us perfect peace.  So, I know that my mind completely centered on Christ is what leads to peace filled thinking for me.

When we are anxious, we are told in Philippians 4 to think on a certain variety, or quality of things: good, lovely, just, pure, true, of good report, of virtue, of praise....think on such things and the peace of God will guard your mind in Christ Jesus.  God knows what He's talking about, doesn't He? 

There is a powerful choice we must make in this peace search, though.  We must choose what we will think.  We get to choose the topics of our minds - when agitation comes, do we go down the road of insanity, or do we turn to a road of trust, thanksgiving, God's wisdom, and good counsel?  When a loved one is ill, dying, or badly injured, do we go down the panic road, or believe in God's sovereign care, His timing in the number of their days, and His love for them that is greater than our own?  Any number of opportunites arise in which our  minds must take action. Which action or thought process do we choose?

We get to choose.  We have to choose.  The peace is there...already available.  It is not withheld from us at all.  We just have to do the action of moving towards the giver, accept the gift, and use it in our lives.  Peace..the kind found in Jesus, really works.  I promise.

Blindsided

Living in this world should have taught me by now that walking along a path freely and pleasantly will most often ALWAYS have a moment when I am blindsided by something not so pleasant.  Why am I surprised by anything?  Why do I not learn to expect darts and arrows along the pleasant path, blindsiding me, hitting me from behind, or jumping out at me from a bush along the path?  What is my problem with not learning to enjoy the path while also knowing, with no doubt, that something ugly will jump out at me eventually?  If I would enjoy my journey with this inner knowledge, I could chuckle at whatever creature tries to surprise me or make me wet my britches in fear!

This past couple of weeks have held events that have been those type of blindsiding moments.  Of course, my usual reaction is upset, agitated spirit, fear.  Silly, immature me.  These upsets are mere reminders to me of my low grade in this art class ...this learning the art of being still before God. Knowing He is God.  None of the fiery darts sent my way surprise Him.  He already has plans to use the fire to mold and shape me, to forge into me the image of Jesus. 

I admit to being weary of the heat.  Its constancy is not friendly to me.  Though, even as I type that, I have this sense of the heavenly Father saying, "Gayle, that fiery dart does not seem friendly, but it will do you much good, eventually, if you let me deal with it in your life."

Do you ever get those little whispers from God that make you say, "Really?  Are you sure?  'Cuz this isn't looking too good right now."  

But, yep, that is what I'm hearing.  I even cleaned out my ears to make certain. 

Being blindsided....surprised by outer forces thrust upon you when you least expect them....I want to learn to expect these things to happen in this fallen world; to not let them knock me off my foundation of strength in Jesus.  I want to always seek God in the face of these immediate flashes of frustration.  When I am in difficult situations, I want to seek the Father. When I am delighted in life, I want to praise Him.  When I am in pain, I want to trust Him.  In every moment, I want to worship Him and thank Him.  (Thank you, Terry Gillen, for these thoughts on God.)

Good thing God does not give failing grades to His children in this classroom of life, in this training ground of stillness before Him.  His patience and mercy over me,, as He observes me walking my journey, are such gifts to me.  I get goosebumps when I really sit and ponder how abundantly those two gifts are poured over and over me, soothing me, loving me, calming me.  Wow, God.  You are 'cha'mazing', as my Phillip would say.

A precious friend recently told me to learn to laugh at the unexpected..make it expected so that I CAN laugh.  A hearty chuckle at the insanity of the shape, size, smoke and whizbang noises the fiery darts take on as they head my way.  Be ready, duck outta the way, laugh as they 'whiz' on by...say, 'Yep, that was a new one...wow!', or, 'Dang, never saw that one coming...INCOMING!', or, 'Yep, just as I suspected...it happened.', or, 'Really?  How lame!'

I'll get better with age, I'm sure.  But, just exactly how old do I have to get?  Hmmmm. 

Love to all...expect the unexpected...you won't be so surprised and agitated.  Especially when you know WHOM has the direction of the fiery arrow in his sight, and He will care for you as it flies.

Cancel That....

..yep, cancel that last post.  No divorce.  The former spouse would not consent to the judgment paper work, could not come to the hearing, and multiple other issues that caused the judge to NOT be willing to sign the judgment in good conscience.  Yes, I'm beyond disappointed, fatigued and weary. But, with a bit of time to think on it all, I am still good with trusting God's sovereignty. 

And I'm seeing His hand at work already.  I can see where He is allowing the behavior of others to spin them around and bite them in the behind.  I'm seeing God meet out consequences for poor choices.  He is telling me to sit tight and let Him take all charge, let Him measure out consequences, vengence, and vindication.  I'm still learning the fine art of truly being still before the Father and learning He is sincerely God.  God of the universe, God of me, and God of all activity on earth.  I, on the other hand, am NOT.  

Don't you feel glad for that admission?  You wouldn't want me trying to control your life.  People who try to control others usually end up doing a pretty poor job of it, and mostly just cause strife and grief.   Glad that isn't God's method.

As I sit here writing, I am smiling at the support of dear, loved friends. Two went with me to court Friday.  Both are people I admire, trust, and love.  Both are people of prayer, grace, and love for Jesus.  What better support could I have with me?! My Jody, as I call her, held me and let me weep in the parking lot as I felt the pain of hope deferred.  Dear friend, Mike, insisted on treating me to coffee and a good, hearty breakfast to help me face the day, and to save me from heading out on the road in a very disappointed state of mind.  Both friends kept me from collapsing in despair as I left the courthouse.  Always surround yourself with dear friends. And always be one.

Mike was so wise.  He tried to make me smile at times, but knew that sometimes weeping with those who weep is the better choice.  Letting me cry was the need of the morning.  And he did, indeed, let me cry.  Let me talk.  Let me be quiet and glare.  He was sincerely Jesus to me that morning.  I hope I will be Jesus to anyone who needs me to be in that position someday.  Such a  gift was offered to me.  I want to pass it on.

I'm learning lessons on this frustrating road.  'Keep my  heart a learning one, Father.  Thank you, too, for the lessons learned by my children at this time.' The kiddles are learning to serve their mom in a totally different way. They have seen sorrow on my face, frustration, and many tears. But, they are loving me through them all, and showing such terrific support.  For this, I am duly grateful.

God has plans...and I'm ready to see them unfold.  Psalm 46:10, "Be Still and KNOW I AM God..."

Hard stuff, but well worth the stillness of heart. 

Love to each of you as you learn of this stillness with me.
Gayle

Peace from God, and no one else

Up until this time and over the past two years, I have been under a judgment of separate maintenance.  Michigan does not recognize the legal term ‘legal separation’, but it is the ‘same’ general idea.  I am not married, but I’m not free to remarry.

All that is about to change.   November 18^th, 2011.  Another November date in my life that marks a life changing moment.

Now, don’t get your panties in a wad; I’m not getting married.  NO one has offered that sort of gift to me, or that level of love.  But, I’m being set free. Free from turmoil. Confusion. Boundaries that are so blurry.

I consider it another deliverance.

Many folks have already accused me of sin, of unbiblical choices, of having no Scriptural grounds for divorce, of forcing my former spouse to commit adultery, of ruining my children’s lives.  Yes.  All those things.  I pray often that if I have ever cast unsolicited opinions or advice at someone in a major decision making period of life, that I never offended them. And if I did, then I have asked God to bring them to mind so I can go and apologize.  How do people believe they have such a right in the lives of others?  It causes pain, confusion, and strife.  Why do it?  Do these folks think they have a right to speak into my life in such a way?  I do not know, but I do know the stress they cause.  Such strife drove me to the place I should have gone in the beginning.  I should have sought counsel from sages I trust, then moved forward in making a decision with God, and God alone, as my sole approval ground.

I need no permission….no approval, of man or woman, to make my decisions.  Counsel, yes. Permission. NO.

The day I went to the courthouse to file my paper work as a pro per litigant, which is fancy speak for free, do it yourself attorney work, I prayed as I approached the clerk’s office , “Please, Father, could you let this all be done before my birthday? Can you give me such a miracle? Can you get the judge to waive the waiting period for divorce?  Father, I’m so tired of crap and hassle and grief.  Can you please just set me free?”

The words I heard in the clerk’s office were shocking to me.  The clerk didn’t know how to handle my case since she had never seen a separation work into a divorce because most folk just do a divorce first.  Never a separation in her history.  So, she said the judge was in her chambers and could be approached on the issues of my motion being filed.

After having been gone for about five minutes, she came back to tell me to change my motion from a complaint of divorce to a judgment of divorce, submit it as the retitled motion, and even file a preliminary judgment for the judge to preview, if I desired to do so.

She then gave me the judge’s administrator’s office contact number and told me to get a hearing date, file my notice of hearing with the court, have it served to my spouse and then be ready to be there.

I was dumbfounded.  Judgment is final.  No waiting. 

I left the courthouse in stunned shock.  Did I just hear her right?  This could be done fast.  I prayed that God would let thi all be done before my birthday, which is November 23^rd.

When I sat in my car seat, I started to weep. Then to sob.  God had answered my prayer.  NO waiting period. 

I called my father in tears, told him I was fine, but that I was in an overwhelmed state of mind.  Who could bring me such a peace, but God.  I was having no sensation of second guessing.  Only peace.  There was no guilt feeling.  Only peace.  There was no heaviness of heart or mind.  Only peace and an overwhelmed sense of gratitude.

My phone call to the court administrator the next day yielded more news that dropped me to my knees in gratitude.  November 18^th had many open times for hearings.  I chose nine thirty in the morning.

November 18^th is five days before m y 47^th birthday. 

God granted my pleadings.  He has said, “Gayle, I grieve over the brokenness of a marriage. But, it is not the end of the world, and it does not change my relationship to you.  I love you.  Under my mercy come and wait…we’ll be face to face one day, and until then, I see no stain on you my child.  Your relationship to me is the vital one…not a marital relationship.  Marriage is meant to be an image of something greater and eternal, but it is made of humans who have broken wills, bad relational skills, and an oftimes unyielded mindset to my yearnings for them and their behavior.  This breaks marriages.  This causes pain.  But, you will go on, Gayle.  You will move ahead and I will love you all the while.”

No, I don’t hear audible voices from God, yet I felt that sense of extreme peace and serenity as I heard those thoughts pour into me.  My peace was from God. And He was operating outside of the box for me.  So many times, humans believe God only works within a small boundary.  But, there are multitudes of issues not clearly defined as many critics believe, and God can do as He pleases within those.  I am NOT Him. Neither are you.  It is not my job, or yours, to figure out every little detail God is allowing or doing.  He brings peace and comfort in His own methodology.  And in my case, now, it was the answered prayer..the waiver of a waiting period for divorce.  The consent of the judge to press on quickly.  The Father held me gently, and said, “I’m here, Gayle. You are deeply okay, child of mine.  Press on….I love you so much.”

.

Oh, Father, thank you for peace, for comfort, for answered pleadings.  You know my weakness, my frailty, and you go before me to line the way with your strength for me.

I love you, Lord.

Thank you for your peace.

e e he

I'm Rich!!!!!!

No, I did not win the lottery.  Darn. 

I have family.  I have brothers who would drive a few hundred miles to protect me if I needed them to do so.  I have a sister who is made of pure gold...worth at least a million dollars per ounce.  My folks are deeply good in every way.  I have ten children, a son in law, two soon to be daughters in law, kids' friends, and three precious little grand babies. 

My wealth is titanic in proportion.  It is beyond Donald Trump's, far more than anyone's on Forbe's Fortune Five Hundred list.

I have family.

I have friends.

God's gifts are fabulous when you just sit and consider them all.  Finest of those treasures comes in human form. 

Life has held so many stresses, trials - both legal and relational - heartaches, and insane moments this past few years.  But, I have had people at my back.  Prayers have been spoken on my behalf with a tremendous amount of love and sincerity.  Bonds of friendship and confidentiality have been forged during very private, intimate conversation, prayer, and sharing of tears.  With a formidable force, holding up my hands and strengthening weakened knees, I have faced each of the moments of the past many months.  I did not do it alone.

God sent the valuable riches of His hands, arms, and voice through people.  Friends, new and old.  Family.

Today, my thoughts are turned to these treasures in my life.  Gratefulness is all I can feel.  All I can express.

Thank you my friends. Thank you my family, some of whom are my very best friends.  Thank you, Father.

I am rich.

A Quiet Month

Almost an entire month has passed since I wrote last.  A dear friend, Michael, asked me the other day why I'd not been writing.  I told him I had nothing to say, nothing of value, my time has been so crazy, I've felt dead and flat in my spiritual walk and communion with God.  I figured such a state of mind and spirit was not a healthy one in which to share life with others on a blog that I hoped would edify its readers.

He thoroughly disagreed with me.  Michael felt it would be the perfect time to write; that certainly if I felt this way during a particular time of my journey in the single world, then others would as well. And I did not need to have an answer at the end of the blog.  He expressed that I did not need to come to a perfect, godly conclusion at the end of every entry.  I could leave off in a state of still wondering and seeking, exactly the same way many of us go to bed at night. Wondering.  Seeking. Hoping.  But, knowing. 

This past month or so has been one of the sense of flatness.  Is that a word for feelings? For spiritual conditions? Flat.  Nada. Empty. Lifeless.  Survival mode.  Stagnant.  If I was a pond, I think there would be a lot of green scum floating atop my surface.  I have not felt the vibrant life of a fresh breeze that offers oxygen for life for all that teems below the surface of the water.

I met with my small group Bible study the other night. This is a group of ladies who keep each other accountable, prayed for, safe in confidentiality, and fully loved.  I am one of them.  They are part of me.  At our meeting the other night, I let down my guard and blurted out that I am angry with God and unable to go directly to Him in prayer, Bible study, and need because I am afraid of what He will require of me.  I am so weary of the road I am on in this singleness, I want change.  But, will that change only come when I have to do something of which I loathe the very idea?  Will I have to stay single forever?  Will I have to remarry my former spouse?  I feel like a young college student at a revival meeting, convicted by God to go to the mission field, but she begs God, "I'll do anything you want, just please don't send me to Africa!!!!!"

I want to do anything God asks.  But, I have been fearful.  Fearful that God has only desires to keep me tired, miserable and oppressed in life.  How doggone sick and wrong is that!!!!!! My group of ladies reminded me of God's massive goodness. It is His very character.  He is Love to me, for me and over me.  If He was to ask me to do something tough, would He not prepare the way for me to make it the delight of my heart to do so?  Does He not know my concerns, my heartaches, my yearnings?  Is He not the greatest lover of my soul? 

I've let fear keep me away from my Father in heaven.  And in doing so, I've sought other things to fill the pains and voids.  I've felt empty and lacking in peace.  I've avoided my Bible, for fear of a bright red Bible verse that says, "Take your husband back NOW!"  I've not been able to worship in song.  I've avoided conversations when folks ask how I am.  I don't want to discuss it.  If I had to be honest, it might sound ugly.

It would be ugly. 

Fear.  I have been afraid of God, my Abba, my Father.  What more will He ask of me? How much more skin has to come off my back to appease Him?  Oh, how offensive and hurtful these words must sound to Him.  I sit here in complete awareness of the folly of those thoughts; of how desperately He is drawing me to Himself, how much He loves me; how He longs for me to fellowship sweetly with Him and not fear.  I'm sorry, Father.

Lift me, Father. I'm weary of crap.  I'm tired of strife and tension.  I am sick of being under the microscopic, myopic vision of small minded people.  I long to just be free and at peace in you.  You want me there, don't You, no matter my circumstances?  You want me unafraid, and thus dwelling in Your perfect love, right? Is that what I hear you whispering to me as I sit in this chair by the fireplace?  I think so.

I'm flat.  Like an air mattress long removed from the air pump.  Fill me with you...I will not be afraid.

I love you, Lord.
And thanks, Michael.  I love you, too.