I don't know.
Well, that should be the end of this post, shouldn't it? But, I'm going to attempt to go on and offer wisdom and hopefully, common sense.
Moving forward after a divorce is always the best choice....keep taking steps towards healing, towards a good mindset, towards healthy choices for your body, mind and spirit. Seek counseling. Fellowship with good friends and others who will understand your plight as a newly single mom, dad, or person, in general.
Read good books that encourage your spirit and mind. Exercise. Eat with making good choices for your body...and for the right reasons. Don't eat emotionally; eat because you are hungry. Period. Don't use drugs or alcohol to calm yourself down, unless you truly need physiological help in doing so. There are definitely times for SSRI's or other medications, but if prayer, meditation, counseling, exercise or rest help, then use those first. Moving forward in healthy ways is possible in a variety of efforts.
Moving on is another story. Moving on from your former spouse into a new relationship - how long do you wait and how do you approach such a task.
Well...let's see.
First, don't rush. Being without a mate is not the end of the world. You might be alone, but you can do things to prevent loneliness. Be active with friends. Be involved at your church. Have company over often. And while this sounds cruel, it is still a healthy thing...become at peace with solitude. Solitude is not lonely. It is a serene state of mind, being at peace with yourself, knowing you are okay as a solitary human being. You need no one to complete you other than the Father in Heaven through Jesus Christ. Yes, I know it is hard to go to weddings alone, to go to parent/teacher conferences alone, to go to parties alone, to be every place you ever go ALONE! I know how that feels. But, the functions attended alone are no reason to rush into a relationship.
Secondly, decide what type of person with whom you want a relationship, and stick to your guns. Do NOT set yourself up for failure and look for perfection in every area...none of us fulfills that standard. But, do insist on character qualities that are important to you, and if you have children, qualities that would match your needs as a single parent.
Also, be very aware of your tendencies to be co-dependent. This term applies to that type of person who is a nurturer in more than healthy means. Nurturing and caring for someone are parts of relationships. But, if you think you could nurture someone's pain away, or care enough to love them right out of his or her defensive, angry mode, then you are co-dependent, and that is NOT healthy. You cannot make someone healthy. They need to be healthy before you get in a relationship with them.
Last of all for this particular little blog, is do NOT look for someone to make YOU happy. Don't do it.
Get your own self happy before getting into a relationship. Be whole in Christ Jesus before looking for someone to bring delight and fun into your life again. Love yourself. Get counseling if you need to - you are worth it. No one can complete you totally until you are a healthy individual in your own skin. You will suck the life from someone if you look to them to be the ONE to make you whole, happy, alive again.
This is not an exhaustive list of ideas. I'm sure counselors and relationship experts have written book after book, and article after article, detailing such healthy moving on techniques. But, I do know the few ideas about which I've written are indeed necessary before moving on into another relationship after divorce.
Be healthy, respect yourself. Value yourself enough to wait for a great match. Wait for God's best for you in this area of life. Be prayerful. God does know your longing. Trust Him, wait upon Him, and let Him love you as you move forward and move on.
My love to you...Gayle
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