Be Careful How Adultery is Tossed About

While studying Proverbs 6 this morning, I was struck by quite a few things.  Let me see if I can gather all my thoughts into some cohesive ideas here now.

Verses 16-19 list seven things that are an abomination to the LORD Yahweh.  This list includes the following:  haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises evil plans, feet that dash towards evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers, or family. 

Wow.  I don’t think I need to even set about to discuss any definition of those.  Self-explanatory.

Now, right after these four verses hails a long discourse on adulterous activities, the damaged caused by them, and the foolishness of being lured by someone with an adulterous heart. 

Bear with me as I configure this in my mind IN CONTEXT of how it is written.  It has been my practice the past many years to make sure I look at Scripture in context, looking at all surrounding teachings, cultural ideas presented, audience, etc.  For too long did I take a few verses, form an opinion I was sure matched God’s, developed a theology, or a philosophy all with those verses clipped away from any other words around them.  It causes me terrific grief to think I may have lead someone astray from truth when I dogmatically shared some teaching from scripture using my method of extracting verses from their context.  Even worse to me is the knowledge that I was so critical in my spirit of other believers who didn’t tow the line according to my understanding of a particular teaching of scripture; a lesson I assumed was the correct version since it was certainly from the Word of God, notwithstanding that it might not include the actual context of the teaching.  Ugh.  I grieve at this.

Proverbs 6 and 7 are full of wisdom teaching.  Prior to the list of abhorrent sins before God are many verses on life’s need for good decision making; lending money, signing for loans, laziness, hard work ethic, unethical speech, and so on.  Right before the ‘List’, I will call it, are verses about a person who is worthless, wicked – all because he speaks unrighteous speech, accuses others of sins that he is the one actually committing, continuously sows discord, and regularly plans evil works.  Calamity will eventually come upon such a person that will cause brokenness for him. 

The deal with this type of person, AND with all the sins listed here that make the Father feel abhorrence, is that he or she hurts people terribly.  Families, communities, businesses, church groups, neighborhoods, classrooms, social clubs, Bible studies, long standing relationships – all are damaged or destroyed by the person who is actively doing the sins in verses 16 through 19, or is like the man in verses 12 through 15, the one in the paragraph above this one.  This person lies, connives, disturbs, is aggressively damaging other people – former spouses, sisters, brothers, parents, bosses, children, coworkers – the relationship kinds are endless that are ruined by such people and their sin.  Activity such as these listed create the effect of a large stone tossed into a still pond, making ripples that spread across the entire surface and diameter of the water’s limits. 

Back to the end of chapter 6 and most all of chapter 7.  This portion of the passage counsels against the activity of adultery.  The reason this study captivated me today is that the word adultery is thrown about so freely in the church, among believers.  It is cast out so often that shirts with big, glittery letter As should be sold at churches and courthouses for believers who get divorced or remarried. 

We must be so careful how we define adultery here.  WE must understand context, culture, law of Moses, words of Jesus – all teachings – before we develop our convictions. And remember, a conviction isn’t just your opinion or idea.  It is a well-studied, thought out belief with foundations that have roots in multiple sources of information that is sound and accurate.  Taking a few verses, reading them, then declaring a conviction is not a wise method of forming your belief system. 

This Proverbs teaching on adultery is not referring to divorce or remarriage, though it has been used often to accompany other Old Testament teachings, and New Testament ones.  This passage is not wisely used for that study. 

Let me cut in here to say that I am discussing the idea of adultery as cast out against people like me, who went through horrendous pain in their marriage, then endured a ugly or traumatic divorce, THEN dated and remarried to have a partner in life, and a  healthy relationship with a spouse.  This passage does not apply to folks like me. 

Proverbs 6 and 7 are discussing adultery, na’aph transliterated from Hebrew, sexual relations with someone currently married to another.  These passages are talking about going in to sleep with someone while that person’s spouse is not home.  This is a woman who woos a man because her heart is evil, not loyal to her husband, lascivious, sexually immoral, and not a person walking out her faith in the eternal God and his spirit in her.  Or it is a man, who is married and has a wife at home, but he steals away to a hotel room with his secretary after seducing her with compliments all morning. 

This large section of verses is detailing activity that is carried out by persons who are already not good of heart or spiritual health.  They are NOT discussing the woman who is divorced, free from an unhealthy or frightening marital situation who remarries a man who accepts her children and her life as his own.  Much damage is done to the people of Jesus and all of  humanity when such passages of scripture are used to beat down women and men who have sought to remarry after a horribly many years of traumatic marriage.  But, countless times have I heard or seen passages like these used to teach against remarriage as adultery. 

I am not addressing a full discourse on divorce and remarriage here.  Books by the thousands address that study and social issue.  Here, I am pointing out that Proverbs 6 and 7 should NOT be used as foundational teaching passages for your belief on divorce and remarriage.  They are not in that context.

There is that word again, context.  Let me slip back into the entire passage here, and not just the verses on adultery.  I hope my point is made on that topic.  As I consider the sins listed here, the ‘not adultery’ ones, I am struck that these sins do far more damage to the entire globe than divorce ever could.  Yes, divorce, remarriage, and true adultery as listed here, create pains that are heartbreaking.  But, quite frankly, many divorces and remarriages would never occur if the sins that God abhors didn’t take place so pervasively. 

How many times do you hear whispers about someone getting divorced, someone left his or her spouse, the divorcing person made out to be so cold hearted to leave the marriage.  But, has anyone confronted the one in the marriage who was a finger pointer, the one who devised evil, the husband who trashed his wife and threw her under the bus far too many times, the wife who gripes and causes constant strife in the home, the spouse with a mouth that uses words that kill his or her spouse’s spirit over and over again so that there is no chance of life left in a being? 

When we discuss divorce and remarriage in the context of adultery, we must be careful which scripture we use as our conviction bearer.  Dare I also say that when reconciling all Scripture to develop our belief system on issues bearing down on the Church, we must also consider such passages as Proverbs 6:16-19 as part of our understanding of what and who causes great damage to people, relationships, marriages, churches, businesses, communities, families, etc. by behaviors that God abhors.  Divorce and remarriage seem to be focal point topics amongst churches and Christians as ‘key’ determinates of the liberalism in your soul depending on which stand you take.  They are the words tossed about as family destroyers, as the key things God hates.  But, I beg to differ with that idea.

The sins of Proverbs 6:16-19 destroy.  They kill.  They rob. They devastate far more than divorce or remarriage.

Believe me, I know.

Can You Trust Again? It Takes Work and Hard Choices

Can you trust again after having been lied to over and over again in a past relationship?  Can you rest in promises made?  Can you believe the words spoken to you, and rest in the heart of the one speaking them to you because you know he or she is worthy of your trust and will not lie to you like others have done before?

It is hard work to make the choices to say 'yes' to the questions above.  Lied to once and trust is broken. Lied to often and trust is destroyed.  Your mind is determined to protect you, to keep you from being screwed over again, betrayed again, made a fool of again.

I'm not talking about being lied to so a gift is kept secret; or plans for date night are kept quiet.  I'm not even talking about the 'lie' that says, "Yes, thank you for that great gift, it was so kind of you to do that for me," when in reality you hate that olive green sweater knitted for you by Grandma Joe.

Lies that cover clandestine activities, communications, behaviors that would harm your relationship or your heart are the lies of which I speak. These are the ones that do the lasting damage. The damage that means healing will be required along with forgiveness.

Sometimes, and this is hard to write, it is just best to admit that feelings towards another person have come into a relationship; or confess, the action done that will hurt and will cause a huge fight, than to let it go months and months and finally admit you have been lying all along.  Ask anyone who discovers an affair that has gone on for months, or an addiction that has gone on for years - they will tell you they wish they had known from the beginning.  Let there be a huge argument at the outset, let there be a major upset because of disappointment and heartache.  It will never match the  one that will come when long term lying is exposed.

And do not blame someone else for your lie nor accept responsibility for another's deceit.  How often have you heard, "I knew you'd react like that, so I didn't tell you!!  You get out of control, so I didn't tell you.  You always blow up, so I wasn't going to tell you." 

Yeah. The lie is your fault because you would get upset. Hmmm....as if the deed done wasn't worth hurting over, either. You are the reason the other person HAD to lie. In the liar's mind, the lie was so necessary, he or she stops even believing a lie was even told. And you feel guilty somehow for being such a weak person that another had to lie to you in order to be in relationship with you.  Yep.  Been there. Done that. 

Have you?

Lies about deeds aren't the only ones that destroy relationships.  The other kind are the ones you are told over and over again that condition your thinking. "You are so stupid," "No one can stand to be around you," "All your friends have told me what they really think of you, and they agree with me that you are ridiculous," "You are ruining the kids. They will be mentally and emotionally destroyed because of you," "God can't love you because you are so messed up."

Sometimes, truth is hard to find when lies come at you so regularly.  You begin to agree with the lies.  You begin to be controlled by them. This is the longing of the liar.  To control you.  To condition you.  To make you the guilty party.  To make the lie your fault.  To isolate you from friends and family that you need in your life. To keep you in fear.

Digging out of the pit, and it is a deep one, is hard work.

Thinking on truth can be a herculean task.  Getting the liar out of your life may be the first humongous, earth shattering work you must do.  I won't even discuss here the work of changing a relationship, divorcing, moving away from a dangerously unhealthy person in your life; that article could literally be a book, would completely enforce the idea of getting wise counsel for a very long time to help you through the work of that, and is a long term effort for sure.

What I want to focus on is the immediate task of making a hard choice to trust. 

First, trust yourself.  Trust God's word about you.  When it comes to those lies about your character, your value, your quality - the truth has to become a focus for you or you will not thrive.  If you need to find a good counselor, do so.  If you need to post notes about you around the house, on mirrors, in books, on the refrigerator to remind you of your value, then do it.  You are worthy of the blood of Christ being spilled for YOU; you are created in the image of God, being changed, daily, into the impress of Jesus - you are incredible.  Believe such truths, not the lies that have filled your thinking for too long.

Now, the other trust...of people.  Of a new love. That is a whole other level of moving onward and upward in your healing work.  Believe me, I know.

Give yourself time before moving into a romantic relationship.  Build strong friendships, get counseling, get to know the new, stronger you.  Do not let the acceptance or attention of another love be the source of your healing and strength.  These are some quick, basic statements, but powerfully needed ones.  Reread this paragraph if you must; but believe the words, think deeply on them and take them to heart.  They are vital bits of advice to be received and practiced before entering a relationship where trust will be required.

Breathe.  Breathe.  Enter a new relationship slowly.  Know you will be challenged to accept the words of your new 'interest' as faithful ones.  You will need to be aware of choosing a mate of strong, godly character; one of virtue and morality who values faithfulness even in a relationship where you end up as merely platonic friends.  If you are thinking soundly, even romances that don't 'work out' will remain good relationships for you because the people were healthy, quality ones who will become good friends to you over the years, and you to them.

An important action I have had to learn in my own life and new marriage, is not to project my fear onto my husband.  It is necessary in a new relationship to share, "Hey, I hate to admit this, but I am feeling anxious, scared you will just disappear on me.  You have done nothing to perpetuate this sensation - your deeds give me no reason for alarm - but inside of me is the pattern of thought that is making me nutso right now."

Yep, sometimes you just have to admit such ridiculous sounding, but very real thinking.  Notice I said 'real thinking' not truthful thinking.  You may have these thoughts, but that does not make them truth for your relationship, currently.

See, being honest about your own feelings, is different than making an accusation against your new relationship partner.   Telling him or her you are anxious is VERY different than projecting on to them a deed they have NOT committed, making them feel a need to defend themselves when they have done nothing.  This is NOT healthy for relationships.  Believe me, I know.

I hate to admit that, but I know from experience.  Ugh.

One of the reasons I suggest getting counseling, or finding good strong friends, especially if your life of lies lead you to be isolated from others, is because you need to know you are not alone.  A life of lies filling your head is usually full of such beliefs as 'you are all alone', 'no one cares', 'no one else is as pitiful as you'.  Bull Caca!

You are worthy of friends, you can have people who care.  This is important for you to know and to do - get into friendships - so that as you enter a new romantic relationship, you can know you will have support should you face pain again.  You must know you have support when you are walking with a new mindset of trust.  It is scary territory when you have been wounded by lies for a long period of time.  Stepping out, taking actions of trust, is far less frightening when you are assured of strong friends or counsel should you face any setbacks, whether they be setbacks in your own emotional health, or even another relational blow if you happen to meet up with a new 'lying loser'. 

Choose to trust.  Getting hurt  -  well, it hurts.  But, good relationships are worth the work, the healing,  and the energy they bring to life.  Just remember, YOU must get some strength first.  You must learn to TRUST yourself and your own instincts about what is healthy for you, who is healthy for you - and what and who are NOT.

My prayers are truly consistent, as I write, for the folks who will read these posts.  I so long for others to know healing, growth, and newness in life.  God does, indeed, want us to prosper in life - and I do NOT mean house, land, and the lottery. I mean, He does long for us to walk in peace, truth, wholeness.  These are the most vital of prosperous gains.

My love to you, friends. 
Gayle

Trusting God Under Accusation

Wow.  Moving forward in a healthy manner has been a goal of mine for a long while now.  Separating from my former spouse four years ago in November was a step in life I never planned, but worked itself into my life story through circumstances too intense in detail to recap here.  Since that time, I have read books, prayed, counseled, gone to court, and gone head to head with yuckola to just move on. To take the next step. To get healthy.  To be strong. 

But, even after almost four years, yuckola still comes to thwart me in my goal of sane living.  No kidding.  Just yesterday, I received a letter from someone exerting their opinion, will, and judgment into my life.  Please understand, this letter was from no one who holds authority, love, connection, care, counsel, or regular communication in my sphere of living.  Even so, the letter was no surprise.  This kind of person just needs to write those kinds of letters. 

Though I know these letters should be laughed at at this stage of my life, they are still joy robbing.  They make me aware of just how unpleasant life has been in the past, how people can be cruel when you aren't even expecting a shot from anywhere.  So, the letter I received left me feeling like a bus had driven by and splashed mud on me as I stood at the bus stop.  Yuck. 

When will this insanity stop. 

I bet you ask yourself that question sometimes, don't you. You find yourself in circumstances that just seem loooooong, unending, requiring endurance you aren't quite sure you possess.  Or endurance you want to expend on such unnecessary interference in your life.  You mind your own business, go about your life, and,"BAM!", someone thinks they need to toss a stink bomb on your path.  Dang.

This post isn't about the stink bombs.  It isn't even about the strife stirring people in your life.  It is about God's fabulous goodness in it all.

Facebook is this era's communication power.  I am under the assumption it began as a computer site for students, or young folks, to keep in touch. But it has evolved into the world's connecting spot.  Business, school, musical groups, authors, friends, family....home to home, city to city, state to state, country to country, it has erupted into a fabulous tool for touching lives..be they close knit kin, or mere strangers with a common interest.  It is Facebook that God used to remind me of some truth.

Thank you to my Facebook friends who posted some great truths to point me northward in my thinking when dealing with ugly accusations written in ugly letters. 

Phillipians 4 tells us, when we are stressed, to think on that which is true, lovely, of good report, of value, and praiseworthy.  God used Facebook to bring me to such a place of thinking.  Here is the first writing put before me that spoke to my heart in the places the Enemy was working to discourage:

You might feel like your testimony has been stripped away but God is still unfolding your life story. Don't let the enemy convince you that you don't have a message to share.

Wow, isn't that fabulous truth.  No, there is no chapter and verse to post with it, but it is powerfully true from a scriptural perspective. God works in brokenness, loss, woundedness, suffering, persecution, and accusation.  He does NOT turn his ear or eye away from those who are seeking Him, from those longing for Him from a heart that is sincere and pure in its motives.  He is at work in you until the day of Jesus Christ. 

If you have suffered a divorce, slanderous gossip from folks who do NOT know your whole story, destructive acts against you from those bent on your absolute misery, then you know the discouragement that can be heaped upon you as you wonder if God could be at work, if He could possibly ever use you in His kingdom work, if you truly have any purpose before Him.  Yes, you do. 

I do not speak for God.  I am not one to think my opinions are God's opinions.  But, truth is truth.  God's word speaks over and over of His work in broken lives, changed plans, lost dreams.  Thwarted plans of man are often used by God for His glory.  It is the design of Satan himself, the father of lies, the murderous spirit, to steal your hope in God's work in you.  To kill your enduring spirit as you wait upon God for vindication, for His vengeance on foes, and for Him to work out His ways in you. 

God is putting His message in you as you trust in Him.  Mark those words, "..as you trust in him...".   I'm not saying that just because you have heartache or people gossiping about you, you have a message or story to tell.  We could all tell our stories.  Every human has a story.  It is a message you want to be worked out in you. A message from your life that brings glory to God as you wait on him, respond as Jesus would, trust and wait upon God as he very slowly and patiently carries out the details of your life. 

You want a message, not just a story.  You want the work of God in you to be left with people after you walk away.  And it will be.  It will be.  No one can steal from you what God is doing.  It is the enemy who makes you think your message is gone, destroyed, worthless.  It is a lie.  Don't fall for it.  Don't let the letters, facebook posts, emails, anonymous messages, etc. convince you that your loss, your broken dream, your forgiven sin, your hard choices, or your quiet actions mean you have nothing to offer God, nothing He can use.

Don't do it.

And remember this second Facebook truth: 

 I am in no competition to be better than anyone else.  I need not play a game that pressures me to be like anyone else.  I am merely trying to be better than the person I was yesterday.

Wow.  Yes.  Just focus on bettering the me God is doing His work in daily.  I am no one else.  I need not compete to be like anyone else.  I need not look at anyone with envy, with fear of being undone or outdone, or with complete inadequacy. 

I am the workmanship of the creator of the universe.  The one who named the stars, put mountains in place, and told animals when to birth their young, everytime, at the same intervals. That organized, powerful, beauty loving God is my author, designer, and maker. 

The enemy of creation tells us to look about and feel inadequate.  Look around and fear that you will never measure up..for God or anyone else for that matter.  Remember it is him, satan.

Stand strong against him. And it does take strength.  He is a relentless thief.  A deviant liar.   He robs of joy in such damaging ways.  It is a heart of endurance that is needed to face him. But, remember who gives you that longsuffering soul, the internal spirit of fortitude.  Your Father in heaven, your creator. The author and finisher of your faith.

Thank you, Father, for speaking to my heart, to our hearts, from such simple places as computer websites. You can use anything you want to transform our hearts, to refocus our minds, and energize our spirits.  You are mighty. Thank you for friends who share words of wisdom and hope.  You are so worthy of honor, Lord. We love you.  I love you.

And I love you, Friends, as we walk through trials together.  Press on.

Gayle

New Reality....Live In It

     Old dogs must, indeed, learn new tricks.  Let's see, if I am to refer to myself in this post as an old dog, I think I want to be a Yorkie, or a PomPoo, ooh, or a Pomsky...something cute, froofroo, soft, tiny, snuggable, lovable, and kissable.  Either that or a beautiful chocolate lab.  If I have to learn new 'tricks' for growth, survival, health, and renewal, I want to do so in as adorable a suit of myself as I possibly can.  
     
     The new tricks. What are they?  I'm just learning some  of them, and I am by no means a great magician.  I'd like to perform new tricks with the same aplomb as David Copperfield, but, alas, I think I most likely appear with the grace that Archie Bunker might display as he tries to slice a woman in half, or swallow a flaming torch.  Get the picture.  Yep. 
     
     On to the tricks. What are they?  The one I'm learning now is this:  live in the new reality.  Ta da.  Five simple words.  But the will power and endurance needed for it is in the realm of supernatural some days.   Those of you who have been single or widowed after enduring much suffering and pain, much violation of your soul, and destruction of your self worth, value, and belief in yourself, know that past reality very easily meanders into your current life or relationship.  Your entire being.....heart, skin, mind, stomach, lungs...respond to daily situations in today's reality as though they will produce the same pain, stress, fear, and trauma of yesterday's, yestermonth's, yesteryear's.  Every broken relationship produces pain.  I completely acquiesce to that truth. And it is truth.  But, not all broken relationships, or divorces, or reasons for singlehood, have included the words that destroy, the onslaught of a voice daily telling you of your ugliness of soul, the waste you are of breath, the mess you make of others' lives.  After many years of words like these, the soul has been shaped by them.  Worthlessness, ugliness, gracelessness - these are reality to you.
     
     This is the reality I speak of when I say you must live in a new one.  You may not realize the need is within you until you are in a new relationship or married again, as I am.  When you are told you are beautiful, you wince, sure that those words are a lie or that they are spoken merely to get you to do some deed wanted by the speaker.  When you meet your spouse's old friend of the opposite sex, you are sure that person will be included in some joke about you by your spouse just to put you on the spot.  When an argument about any silly old topic arises, your immediate thoughts jump to the old truth that you will not be listened to, respected, heard, cared for - and just as badly, you will be mocked, laughed at, have eyes rolled at you, belittled, told of how awful your character tends to be, and how much you need to get your spiritual self in order.  
Breathe. Breathe.  Just thinking of these things makes my heart start to race.  

     When the intense sensation of stress or pain arises in these situations, I must stop and think.  What is happening in this very moment?  Why do I feel the way I do?  This person is NOT attacking me as I am accustomed to being attacked?  But, my heart is pounding; I want to run: I want to put my dukes up and be ready for a fight of the most intense emotional brawl type.  Wait.  No.  Breathe. Do NOT push the feeling away.  What is it?  What is its source?  Am I being hurt now or does this conversation or event just bring memories right up to my hair follicles?  Breathe. Do NOT blame your partner or friend.  Feel the feeling, but do not act upon it.  Recognize it for what it is:  your past reality.  Cry. Pray.  Breathe. Journal.  Accept it is a truth you lived.  You live it no longer now that you are free from that past.  

     Please know I am NOT saying this is an easy set of steps.  It is beyond wrong, even biblically wrong, to just tell someone to get over something, to just move on.  Weeping happens.  Mourning happens.  Facing fear and dealing with it must happen.  Saying to just move on is not compassionate and unwise.  Being disgusted with yourself is not wise either.  Validate the truth that you are a person in the long process of healing.  Impatience with that only makes it much worse.  I am also NOT advocating sitting in a slough of despondency.   But take time to face the feelings, account for them, mourn in them, call them what they are - anger, fear, betrayal pain, lied to over and over again pain - ask yourself what these feelings are doing; say they are real; ask yourself what you are going to do with the feelings; make a decision on what you will do and how you will face them each time they arise.  

     Taking your thoughts captive requires a great strength of mind and heart.  I know that if you are mentally, spiritually, and emotionally weary and worn, that strength seems beyond your grasp.  Find a patient, trusted friend who will always speak truth to you and remind you of your new reality.  Tell them you know it is difficult to keep helping you, that you do NOT intend to stay in this place or to manipulate attention from it, but let them know you need their counsel to guide you to the path of your new, true reality.  Until you are strong, this might be your best source of healing.  

     Reminding yourself each time pain leaps out at you, when you are least expecting, or wanting it, will come more and more quickly as you strengthen your inner self, your sense of value, and your definition of yourself as a loved, lovable, and precious human being.  Be patient with yourself, even if others are not.  I know I don't NEED to say it again, but I'm going to: this is not free license to swim in pity pools.  It is a gift of relief from guilt that you hurt, that panic attacks arise when you never want them to because you feel the old reality is present with you now.  You are working towards the time when these things will happen so rarely you almost chuckle at them.  It just isn't time yet.  That is okay.  Don't let anyone tell you you must be there.  You are not a toy.  You are not play dough easily shaped at a whim.  You are a human soul in the healing forge.

     Don't be afraid to do the work of this process.  An old dog leaning a new trick requires  patience from his master.  Let's give ourselves, and those we love, that same gift.  And remember, as you recognize your NEW reality, see your new partner, husband, or friends in that same new light. They are not part of your old reality, either.  Don't hold them captive to it anymore than you want to be.  

      Woof, woof.  I love you, Friends.

Gayle

The Writing Fever Hit Again....

Ahhh...a fresh, white screen sits before me, ready for the keyboard strikes to begin filling it.  What an invitation to creative flow!!!!

Though not single anymore, I am not yet ready to change the name of this blog...especially since I don't know how to do all that fancy graphic stuff with those letters up there.  A friend designed the Single Trials logo for me, and I am clueless about how to make the title something more akin to my new life as a married woman learning how to be a wife again.

Besides that, I still have alot of lessons learned, thoughts gleaned, and wounds healed or healing from the single years.  So, my thinking on it isn't over.

The past few days, I have been thinking again on single friends, men and women, who are longing for a companion.  It is a painful place to be 'alone' when you have known what companionship can feel like.  We are all safe and truly sufficient to live alone, or raise children as single parents, but oh, the ease and restfulness of mind offered to the soul when a partner faces life beside us.

A recent reading of the early chapters of Genesis, and a bit of Donald Miller's book Searching for God Knows What, has me considering Adam in the Garden of Eden.  You know the story...where the Creator God designed Adam to steward all of creation, to name animals...and then declared there was no companion suitable for the man, though there were hundreds, if not thousands, of species of animals all around him.  Now, this Adam was in complete communion and fellowship with God Almighty.  They talked and shared intimate time together.  Yet, this story still declares there was not an equal companion for the man.  God was enough..yet, He was not.

So, this has lead me to think that the longing for a companion after becoming a single person through divorce or death is not unusual at all.  Nor is it unbiblical to long for such company.  Yes, I know the passages on divorce and adultery, and the enormous disparity of opinions and conviction on these things, but I am not here to address that idea at present.  That could mean writing another book on the subject, of which there are already hundreds.  I am merely discussing the longing of the human heart....a heart the Father of Creation made to need companionship.

Please understand, I am not writing to discuss major theological understanding on this issue. I am discussing humanity, humanity that the Father created, that is more complex than the mere 67 books of the Bible could ever begin to cover  with all its facets.  God designed the human heart.  He has spoken need into it.  It is for Him to fill our deepest needs...those of the eternal spirit, the part of us that will go on living long after our heart stops beating.  He also created the soul, the yearning soul, the one meant to connect to other human beings.  We connect through friendships of a platonic nature, but we also crave the fellowship of one special person that will know us intimately like no other on earth will have the privilege.

Thus, my thoughts on my single friends; the ones who want what Edwin and I are growing into in our own lives.  We are learning to be spouses to each other...doing the work of loving, listening, serving, and giving in order to be the couple into which God is shaping us for His purposes.  My prayer for these folks is a redemption of their hearts....a restored joy in love. These aren't people who lived lurid lives that led to singleness due to illicit choices. They are individuals who have suffered loss, broken heartedness, and wounds that go deep to the bone.  I believe with all my heart that the Father in heaven aches for these souls. 

I dare not ever speak for God...that would show I think I know his mind, which would be an extreme lack of reverence for the omnipotence and omniscience which belong to Him alone. But, I know how He ministered such love to me, I know His heart is tender for His people, I know He can work outside of the box we humans have designed for him with our feeble minds and ideas.  God can and does bring love again.  He does restore joy.  He does  bring redemption.  Even when we don't think we deserve it or will never see it.

Yes, the lonely heart needs healing in God alone.  Yes, wounds must be dealt with in order to make a person ready to proceed into a new relationship.  These things are vital to a healthy renewal of life.  Without those two issues dealt with, only pain will exist.  And some healing will only come as a new relationship begins and issues of pain are faced....one can't know what will happen in the heart until face to face with an opportunity to test the newly strengthened and healing heart.  But, moving forward can happen. God does do that for us.

My prayer for my single friends is a restful heart in the Father's arms...a knowledge of His powerful love, protection, provision, and His banner over them.  After that, I pray He brings them love on earth...a hand to hold, arms to squeeze them, a face to wake up to each morning, a heart to hear their own, hands to work out life's trials with, feet to work on a home or car..simple things that are valuable treasures a partner brings to the banquet table of life.

The Father in heaven is able and willing to bring love...partner..companionship suitable to our heart's need.  He is enough.  Truly.  But, He does KNOW our longing.

I love you, my friends.

Single Trials...lesson learned along the way

Wow, I just looked at the date of the last blog I wrote and realized it has been nine months since being creative and thought provoking here on the blog.  Quite honestly, my blogs about single life were creating too much personal drama, life interrogation, gossip, and slander, I just gave up on using this media to share my thinking and pondering on all that was happening in me during the days and months living as a woman alone raising several children, working two and three part time jobs, and maintaining a house and home.  The stress wasn't worth the energy gained by pouring myself in to creative writing.

But, much has happened in the past several months, and darn it all, I feel like writing again. 

For one thing, I'm not single anymore. 

That's right.  On October 19th, 2012, I was joined in marriage to an amazing man of God, of passion, of commitment, and love...Edwin Cohea.  Also, I moved to a town seventy miles away from where I'd lived for almost thirty years.  Jobs changed, schools changed, church changed, friends around me changed, name changed, .....a lot changed.  But, I'm still standing.  Thank you, Father, because I know apart from you, I could not be standing with any strength, worth or grace....you are at work in me.

Moving as a single woman was an astounding task. I was overwhelmed in every way.  Without the aid of wonderful friends, I would not have been able to accomplish such a huge task. Surrounding yourself with good friends, folks in a supportive church like I had...these are vital choices for single folks to make.  I learned a great deal about humbley asking for and accepting help during the time of the move from a huge house, to a smaller one in a community seventy miles away.  Much sacrifice was made on my behalf....I cannot praise God for it enough. I pray often, still, that He blesses those people who gave so much to me then.

During the months leading to my move, I was praying the prayer many single people pray.  "Lord, please send someone who will love me well..someone I can respect, love, serve, care about in earnest...someone who will love my children like his own...someone who will love you more than  he loves me, because I know if he loves you, he will love me well.  Please, Father..I'm weary of being alone, I'm overwhelmed, I want a partner, I want a friend, I don't want to sleep and wake alone anymore.  Lord, I know you are supposed to be ENOUGH....and in life, you are...but I long for a tangible hand to hold, Lord. Please understand..I know you do..I know you know my heart."

Well, it was not long after that God sent Edwin.  Here's the ripper...you'd be amazed at all the people that think they know the heart of God for me; the ones who declared I was disgusting, adulteress, sinful, not spiritual, sad, etc.  Yet, those folks did not know every legal, spiritual, emotional detail of my life, my bills, my circumstances, my mind....or my conversation with my Father.  I am beyond grateful for God's work in bringing Edwin to me....the details are so phenomenal to go over in order to see His hand in little tidbits of each happening or conversation between Edwin and me.  But, it is easier for people to judge and be offended by my choices, my joy, my delight, than to seek to really know what was happening for me. 

Be learned, single friends, that it is often human nature for the heart of man, or woman, friend, family, whoever...to not know what to do WITH YOU when you enter into a joyful place, when you feel or believe God is moving in your life but they do not get it as you do.  Many opinions will come your way, many words of judgment, many words of disdain....yet most of those won't come after a nice, long conversation with you as a person gets to know your heart. 
Those sharp, fiery darts will be aimed at you in reaction, not response.  They will come in letters, emails, facebook posts, comments to other friends.  So, get ready to wield a tough skin.

I learned this the hard way.  Oh, admonishments came to me...be ready, don't be so open with your life, don't let so many into your business, guard yourself. But, I've always been an open book, so I hid nothing, since I had nothing to hide.  When I had joy, I shared it.  Yet, I'm here to share with you now...be wise, be tempered, be measured as my husband likes to say.  Be wise in whom you trust with your secret joy treasures.  No, you are not ashamed of them, but guard your joys and share them with only those who will rejoice with you. 

I am NOT saying you won't receive some honest, loving admonishment from someone who truly knows you, has suffered like and with you.  If you do, then listen to those folks, receive their words as ones of care and genuine concern. Pray over them.  But, only those words. Just let fly those that come from spite, hatefulness, judgment and criticism that has no base in love for you or God. It is not a person who truly fears God, and knows him or reveres Him, that can spew venomous words as though they are from His heart for you.  God does not work that way.  You don't see that in the new covenant anywhere. 

A precious friend recently shared with me wisdom learned when she traversed the same path I have trod this past year.  She said she learned to become very intimate with her husband and her heavenly Father; to let her joys be with those two most precious men in her life.  Others like to steal joy in the redemption of God in your life.  Guard that work. 

I learned the hard way.  When God is doing redemptive, restorative work in you, your life, or your circumstances...restoring joy to broken places in your heart - rejoice only before the Father and with those you know whose hearts will grasp the deep places to which God has taken you.  Do not exploit those treasures like cheap Chuckie Cheese toys won with paper tokens....cherish them and handle them tenderly and with protection as prizes from heaven, given to you in dark places, treacherous adventures, and painful works as God alone can foster in you.  These gifts may be personally in you, they may also be in the gifts of love from another....redemption, restored joy, healing, wounds cleansed...delight in them as straight from the hand of God.  Boldly give thanks for them and do not let the enemy of your soul steal them through guilt, fear, worry, or the words of unkind people.

I rejoice with you, my dear friends, who are and have been single...who God is loving as a faithful husbandman, and who God may be giving a mate to even today.  He is faithful...trust Him with your prayers and with your rejoicing.  Your intimacy with Him, your security in Him....precious indeed.

I love you, friends. You are such treasures.

Never Planned an Agenda

As a writer, I notice the composition style and mannerisms of other writers whether they be on a blog, a magazine article, a news clipping, or a Facebook post. It sounds awful of me, but I notice grammatical errors, spelling faux pas, and poor word choices.  More than these, though, I notice when someone authors a piece with a specific agenda in  mind; a targeted audience of many or just one.

There are times that a topic must be addressed in writing, and an agenda is in the forefront of the writer's mind.  Topical essays, letters to the editor, magazine articles - each has very appropriate times when an agenda is the purpose of the composition.  Appropriate is a key word there.  Ofttimes, when a person speaks or writes with an agenda in mind, it is done with a titch of cynicism, with a goal of 'making a kill' to a particular person, club, or group.  This always gives me a discomforting feeling, as though somewhere down the pike, some grace went missing.

I've hoped and purposed as I've written this blog to NOT be agenda minded, to NOT try to score any points against anyone in my life.  Being gracious and classy is more important to me.  Really.

But, today, I might slip a bit.  My heart and mind have been aching too much to not speak of a topic that concerns me and hurts me.  The topic is gossip.

I am not sure what makes people desire to be unkind in their speech.  Or what makes people need to find out information that is absolutely not one shred of their business.  There is a complete awareness on my part that I am not the first, nor will I be the last - what a shame - divorcing or maritally battling person to be discussed in whispers or rooms where I am not present.  If someone really and sincerely wants to know something about my life, should they not ask ME instead of a neighbor, distant family member, fellow church member?

People going through divorce, separation, or marital strife are truly stressed. Usually, if a couple gets to the point of separating or divorce, the marriage has gone beyond basic agitating behaviors or personality clashes. Would it not be better to sincerely pray for those people, have compassion, than to sit and discuss them in your front parlor or the women's bathroom at church?

Father, please forgive me for this sin if it has been in my past. Please bring it to mind if I have done this.  I want to make it right with anyone I've hurt.

Single people - by choice or by forced action on them - are going through hell and high water.  To add hurt to their already stressed days by speaking unkindly of them, questioning their decisions and actions and activities - what is the purpose or value of such deeds by you?  Ask yourself this the next time a name comes to the tip of your tongue and you want to speak harshly, judge critically, or make a sweeping assessment of the life of that person.  Should you keep talking, or stop mid-sentence and ask for self control?

If you are sincerely concerned and not just curious about a single person's life, then ask them with genuine, authentic compassion.  Pray for them. Hug them.  Listen to them.  Do NOT take what they tell you and use it for morsels of sweetness to feed to another person where those words will turn sour in their soul.  Protect your single friend; protect your family member going through tough times.

If you have NOT walked in the shoes of a single person or single parent, then you have no idea about the reasons WHY they make household or parenting decisions they must make for pure survival, financial risk, or household peace and sanity.  If you have NOT tried to parent, work, maintain a car and home, keep a pantry full, a school schedule covered, children disciplined and getting along, pay bills,  look for better work, sell your house, go to school...all without the aid of a good spouse, then please do NOT think you might have better ideas for the single person.

If you have prayed for them and the heavenly Father gives you a creative solution to a household issue, repair, finance problem, then please share it with them.  The opposite of this true help is to discuss with other people the problem you see in the home, how you think the single friend is missing the boat, how you have a much better solution and how you would never make that same mistake.  Oh, how the Father in heaven has humbled me from such pedestals of pride in my own life.  When I was a young mother, I was sure my children would NEVER do what other bratty kids did.  NO way.  I had better methods of mothering.  When I watched other husbands and wives lose their way, I was sure that would never be me, I had the Holy Spirit, I would always be strong and could always make things work with enough spirituality in my life.

How wrong I was on both counts.  I can sincerely say I am thankful for the merciful humbling God has brought to me. He has not been harsh with me as He's shown me just how ugly my heart was in its critical state.  My gratefulness  for the love He's filled me with is overflowing....really.  I can say that with honesty, even though crap still happens.

This post is more harsh in nature than my usual writing.  It is focused at some personal pains of late, words I've heard cast at my reputation, my name, my activities....but never to my face, just the 'she said, she heard that you such and such'.  Oh, really. SHE never asked me.  SHE or HE never talked to me about any of this.



I have asked God to convict my heart when I hurt others this way.  Please, Father, keep me from harming people.  It is so hurtful.  Even though we are told that what others think of us is not our business; or don't worry what others think of you - having your name and character and choices and activities judged, critiqued, and discussed is not an easy flaming arrow to douse.

Taking thoughts captive is what I always pray to do if I hear bad things about myself.  But that takes energy, prayer and an attitude of forgiveness.  Truthfully, if it wasn't happening, the energy would be spared for more substantial issues in life.

Spare your friends and family this energy robbing mental battle.  Shape your speech with compassion and genuine care directed AT your single friend.  Don't let your words about them travel through the air to ears that need NOT hear them.  Speak only to your stressed and busy friend, and when you do, have the goal of love from a pure heart, like Paul did when he instructed his followers.

I love you friends, I want NO distance, no hurts in the air.  I am positive your other friends do not either.  Love with your words.

Love you truly, Gayle