I'm Rich!!!!!!

No, I did not win the lottery.  Darn. 

I have family.  I have brothers who would drive a few hundred miles to protect me if I needed them to do so.  I have a sister who is made of pure gold...worth at least a million dollars per ounce.  My folks are deeply good in every way.  I have ten children, a son in law, two soon to be daughters in law, kids' friends, and three precious little grand babies. 

My wealth is titanic in proportion.  It is beyond Donald Trump's, far more than anyone's on Forbe's Fortune Five Hundred list.

I have family.

I have friends.

God's gifts are fabulous when you just sit and consider them all.  Finest of those treasures comes in human form. 

Life has held so many stresses, trials - both legal and relational - heartaches, and insane moments this past few years.  But, I have had people at my back.  Prayers have been spoken on my behalf with a tremendous amount of love and sincerity.  Bonds of friendship and confidentiality have been forged during very private, intimate conversation, prayer, and sharing of tears.  With a formidable force, holding up my hands and strengthening weakened knees, I have faced each of the moments of the past many months.  I did not do it alone.

God sent the valuable riches of His hands, arms, and voice through people.  Friends, new and old.  Family.

Today, my thoughts are turned to these treasures in my life.  Gratefulness is all I can feel.  All I can express.

Thank you my friends. Thank you my family, some of whom are my very best friends.  Thank you, Father.

I am rich.

A Quiet Month

Almost an entire month has passed since I wrote last.  A dear friend, Michael, asked me the other day why I'd not been writing.  I told him I had nothing to say, nothing of value, my time has been so crazy, I've felt dead and flat in my spiritual walk and communion with God.  I figured such a state of mind and spirit was not a healthy one in which to share life with others on a blog that I hoped would edify its readers.

He thoroughly disagreed with me.  Michael felt it would be the perfect time to write; that certainly if I felt this way during a particular time of my journey in the single world, then others would as well. And I did not need to have an answer at the end of the blog.  He expressed that I did not need to come to a perfect, godly conclusion at the end of every entry.  I could leave off in a state of still wondering and seeking, exactly the same way many of us go to bed at night. Wondering.  Seeking. Hoping.  But, knowing. 

This past month or so has been one of the sense of flatness.  Is that a word for feelings? For spiritual conditions? Flat.  Nada. Empty. Lifeless.  Survival mode.  Stagnant.  If I was a pond, I think there would be a lot of green scum floating atop my surface.  I have not felt the vibrant life of a fresh breeze that offers oxygen for life for all that teems below the surface of the water.

I met with my small group Bible study the other night. This is a group of ladies who keep each other accountable, prayed for, safe in confidentiality, and fully loved.  I am one of them.  They are part of me.  At our meeting the other night, I let down my guard and blurted out that I am angry with God and unable to go directly to Him in prayer, Bible study, and need because I am afraid of what He will require of me.  I am so weary of the road I am on in this singleness, I want change.  But, will that change only come when I have to do something of which I loathe the very idea?  Will I have to stay single forever?  Will I have to remarry my former spouse?  I feel like a young college student at a revival meeting, convicted by God to go to the mission field, but she begs God, "I'll do anything you want, just please don't send me to Africa!!!!!"

I want to do anything God asks.  But, I have been fearful.  Fearful that God has only desires to keep me tired, miserable and oppressed in life.  How doggone sick and wrong is that!!!!!! My group of ladies reminded me of God's massive goodness. It is His very character.  He is Love to me, for me and over me.  If He was to ask me to do something tough, would He not prepare the way for me to make it the delight of my heart to do so?  Does He not know my concerns, my heartaches, my yearnings?  Is He not the greatest lover of my soul? 

I've let fear keep me away from my Father in heaven.  And in doing so, I've sought other things to fill the pains and voids.  I've felt empty and lacking in peace.  I've avoided my Bible, for fear of a bright red Bible verse that says, "Take your husband back NOW!"  I've not been able to worship in song.  I've avoided conversations when folks ask how I am.  I don't want to discuss it.  If I had to be honest, it might sound ugly.

It would be ugly. 

Fear.  I have been afraid of God, my Abba, my Father.  What more will He ask of me? How much more skin has to come off my back to appease Him?  Oh, how offensive and hurtful these words must sound to Him.  I sit here in complete awareness of the folly of those thoughts; of how desperately He is drawing me to Himself, how much He loves me; how He longs for me to fellowship sweetly with Him and not fear.  I'm sorry, Father.

Lift me, Father. I'm weary of crap.  I'm tired of strife and tension.  I am sick of being under the microscopic, myopic vision of small minded people.  I long to just be free and at peace in you.  You want me there, don't You, no matter my circumstances?  You want me unafraid, and thus dwelling in Your perfect love, right? Is that what I hear you whispering to me as I sit in this chair by the fireplace?  I think so.

I'm flat.  Like an air mattress long removed from the air pump.  Fill me with you...I will not be afraid.

I love you, Lord.
And thanks, Michael.  I love you, too.

More Ways to Grow During Divorce

Growth Through Divorce, Jim Smoke's book, offers more simple tidbits for healthy movement forward as you go through a divorce or separation.  As I write, I am doing so from the perspective that the divorce is inevitable, has happened already, and working towards reconciliation is not a goal, healthy, or even desired.  That sounds harsh to even type those words, but it is an acceptance of reality.  If you have walked in my shoes, then you understand this reality.

After the simplistic directive to deal with your divorce and all the very drastic life changes accompanying it one day at a time, comes the next piece of advice from Mr. Smoke. Again, I'll not plagiarize his writing, but share with you what I glean from it.

While giving yourself mercy and grace to heal, to move forward and live one day at a time, a step you can take to help this process is to make a very clean break from your former spouse.  When time has passed and you are able to fellowship around your spouse without an emotional reaction of some sort, then you will have more times of being around him or her. But, until that time comes, it is best to establish a very clear set of boundaries and stick to them.

This will include:

Follow visitation schedules to the 'letter of the law' set up through the friend of the court.  If you are in need of some alterations, try to make those calmly with your ex spouse, but if not, stick right to the written schedule, or let the court decide.  In my own case, I really felt it best to let the children see their father as often as possible, coming and going to his home as often as they desired since he'd moved in next door to us.  But, over the months, I realized this lack of clear boundaries and time schedules really created chaos and uncertainty for the kids and for their dad.  The children were never quite sure when they were supposed to stay with daddy and when they could come home.  Very sure boundaries are a guide for all and healthy for everyone's mental state.

Keep clarity about holidays and birthdays.  However your schedule for these things was set up at the time of the custody hearings, follow it.  This will spare you of unnecessary emotional upheaval at unexpected plans or kinks thrown into the gears.

There is no need to go inside or have your spouse come in when dropping off or picking up children for visitation.  When he or she comes to the door, that is where they should stay until the children are ready. Do not ask if a drink or snack is needed, just let the time be spent discussing any needs of the children's visitation time.  This will keep emotional turmoil to a low level.

If an issue over the children or support arises, discuss it calmly. If you cannot, let your ex spouse know it is not a good time to chat, you will pray about it and you can talk again at such and such time on such and such day. Set clear timelines and boundaries. letting him or her know you do indeed plan to continue the conversation; but, will only do so when you feel best prepared to make a sound decision.

This is a hard one, but try to do it for your own emotional health and for being able to move on.  If you get letters from an ex spouse or his family, do not read them.  Give them to a trusted counselor or friend to see if there is anything that needs to be addressed such as a support or visitation issue, but otherwise, don't be curious.  In our emotional growth and maturity during this process, we need to take on the mindset of famous movie stars who REFUSE to read tabloids about themselves.  These folks won't read the National Inquirer, or the critic's columns on their latest movies.  This spares their mind and emotions from battles and lost nights of sleep.  LET'S COPY THEM!!!  Besides being handsome, Brad Pitt is smart on this advice.

Don't be curious about what others think of you.  The folks in your life that are healthy and of value have already affirmed to you what they think. The rest, those who dog you and slander you, are truly messengers of the Enemy to discourage, malign, and steal your peace.  Let their thoughts be like chaff in the wind at harvest time.  You'll be more whole of mind because of it.  They shall give an account for every word spoken; especially those spoken with evil intent.  So, don't be curious over their invectives.  Curiosity killed the cat.  It'll kill your spirit, too. 

The other form of curiosity that will get you is the kind that makes you wonder what your spouse is up to in life.  If you've been betrayed, or hurt, or rejected by a former spouse, it is easy to always wonder about that spouse's activity and if he or she is setting you up again for some kind of hurt.  Or maybe you have considered reconciling and wonder if he's changed.  Don't let curiosity over his life get to you.  Do not drive by his house. Do not drive by his work.  Do not ask friends or neighbors what he or she has been up to socially.  Especially do NOT quiz your children about their other parent.  Trust that if you need to know something it will be revealed.  You divorced or separated for a reason.  Accept that reason and move forward.  Do not try to stay mentally attached through keeping track of your former spouse. Their new life is not your business unless it is harming your children at visitation.

Curiosity...overcome it where your former spouse is concerned.

These are just a few ideas to concentrate upon as you focus on growth, healing and maturity during your divorce and the many days, weeks, and months following.  It's a journey. And remember, journeys begin with one step, then continue for many more.  Take the first steps for your healing journey.

I'm praying for you....Gayle

Growing Through Divorce

                No, that title does not say, ‘Going through divorce’.  It does indeed say, ‘growing’.  And it is possible to do so – to grow though the process of your divorce.  Purposeful focus and direction are necessary for growth to occur, but that growth is a very real possibility for you. For me

                I’ve been reading a book by that very title, Growth Through Divorce , by Jim Smoke, written in 1985.   I don’t want to copy his work, but, I would like to share a few very helpful insights from him on getting your divorce and former spouse in focus for forward movement. For moving on.  For growth and a healthy mindset.

                The first advice Mr. Smoke offers is profoundly simplistic.  And I do mean simple.  Take the detachment ONE DAY AT A TIME.  Duh.  Why do we rush healing? Where do we get the idea that years of pain will be gone in days?   We cannot wish away days and weeks because we think we are ‘not going to make it’.  We are making it. We are still standing.  Do we hurt?  YES, is the resounding cry.  But, we are making it.  Is the future uncertain?  YES, again.  But, we CAN and MUST apply Philippians 4:6-7 to this uncertain future that can bring such worry:

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding and comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

                We waste so much mental, emotional and spiritual energy racing back and forth between the past and the future.  Rehashing the past exhausts us.  Fretting over the future fatigues voraciously.  Our energy must be used for the present.  What can we do NOW for healthy choices to move us onward?  How can we rest our minds NOW to bring that calm and serenity that we thrive upon each day?

                Wishing for tomorrow and healing to get here NOW does NOT make today go away.  Emotional healing is a much slower process than any physical healing could ever be.   Even cancer treatments are shorter than healing from emotional woundedness.  We must choose consciously to live in the NOW….as my great friend says, “Breathe in, breathe out and move on.”  Now.  Today only.  NO breaths for tomorrow’s worries.  Just today’s.

                Immediately following the breakup of a marriage, feelings, resentments,   and emotional struggles run high.  If children are involved, constant contact with the former spouse means ongoing reminders of the painful situation.  With proper boundaries in place, child support established, well thought out visitation schedules, etc. the contact can be consistent and the confrontations of pain lessened.  Over time, if both of you choose healthy behavior and responses, the aggravation levels can lower. 

                This takes healthy responses from both of you.  I am sorry if your own situation does not involve healthy minded individuals.  This is a frustration of great weariness. 

But, overall, with a healthy mindset towards healing, you can achieve it.  One day at a time.  Nothing worth attaining in life is ever easy.  I remember that quote from my English teacher in seventh grade.  And it is still true.  Emotional healing will be yours.  Do not rush it.  Let it happen with each choice you make, each new day.

 With the dawning of each new day comes new mercy.  This is true of God.  Let it be true with yourself.  Show yourself fresh mercy each day.   You have changed your role in life, maybe your name even, your identity from married to single, you’re a single parent, the changes have been drastic.  Give yourself grace to settle in to all this altered life.

Grant mercy to yourself as you build reservoirs of strength for all your tomorrows while you face the changes of today. 

You are alive.  You are healing.  You will make it through today.  That is all you need know.

You are still standing.  Keep standing.  Establish your new self one day at a time.

Saturday Sunrise

I just have to start off by saying, "God is amazing."

My drive to work at six thirty this morning was a lovely one because God painted the sky with burgundy clouds, mist rising from fields in swirls and worshipful dance; I was taken to my own place of worship as I looked at it all.  My Father is so abundantly good to me - the One who created and controls all this natural beauty is the One who designed and created me.

Awe inspiring, isn't it?

As I drove, I was thinking about a conversation I had last evening with a young woman in a local shop.  The topic of a wedding being held in last night's cool, drizzling weather was brought up and led this gal to remember her own wedding ten years ago this October.  She said, "I would have been married ten years this next month, but we didn't make it.  My sister and I are both divorced, but she is remarried and happy.  I failed my parents, I'm still single."
You can hear where the thougths in my head are going, can't you?

I shared with this girl that I understood that failure flash.  Recalling my parents' fiftieth anniversary party, I shared the story with this gal of how my own mom was expressing such pride in her four children, their strong homes, terrific grand children. solid marriages, etc. Then four weeks later, my former husband was out of the house.

How do you tell family that your marriage is broken? When do you try to explain it to them, because you are sure they are going to want to know how to explain it to their friends?  Does the feeling of failing them go away eventually?

I know I was afraid to tell my folks.  My siblings.  Aunts, uncles.  Would they be shocked? Disappointed in me?

But, now, a couple years down the road, I realize it doesn't matter.  My marital circumstances are not changed, helped, or distorted by my family's response to one of their own being no longer in an all-American, strong foundational marriage.

Family can support or tear down. My own has been very supportive and prayerful.  Words of encouragement from them have been like gold to me.  I ache for those who do not have family back up. 

Family can interfere and make an already painful situation exhausting and traumatic.  This sort of family backing is so disappointing.  Sad that others don't see the pain they cause, but, humanity is humanity, isn' t it!

While we long for support, the truth is that we must be strong for making our decisions about our marriages.  It is we who face judges, court conciliators, counselors, teachers, employers, etc. etc.  We have to explain relationship changes to our children.  We walk the miles and miles of adventurous trails called singleness.

So, our hearts must speak truth to us that we are not failures.  Our marriages were broken.  We may have failed in some part, but we need not wear a nametag that screams, "FAILURE"!!!  We are not responsible for both sides of a relationship, and cannot take on the burden of our former partner's actions and responses in our marital struggles. 

We broke, experienced trauma and heartache; we cried, we fought, we embarrassed ourselves, we were humiliated and humbled, we tried, we went to counselors. But we are not failures.

None of us married with the goal of falling apart one day.  Hopes are higher than the mountain tops on wedding days.  Not a person on earth can anticipate the zany, crazy, insane issues that can enter a home like a sneaky little mouse that finds a crack in the foundation of a house.  Marriage can be blindsided and crumbling with the damage of a termite's power before you even realize the walls are powder, joists are rotted, and the roof is caving.

Failure is never the goal on a wedding day.  Brokenness happens. We are in a fallen world and perfection will only be experienced in eternity.  Brokenness is not failure.

Being in a marriage that does not make it for all eternity does not make us failures.  We must embrace this truth.

We have not failed our families.  We have been hurt, heartbroken, humbled, and horrified at our circumstances.  But, we are not failures.

I love you, readers....truly.  I'm praying for you. God is so in love with us; let's hold on to that truth.

Who Am I?

Identity:

•  a particular mode of being of a person or thing; existing state; situation with respect to circumstances

• the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another

• the individual characteristics by which a person or thing is recognized

• the state of being the same as a person or thing described or claimed

In a recent note I received via email, I was challenged to consider my idea of divorce, separation, and singleness in a different light.


One of my essays, located at the bottom of this blog page, details the adjectives I have felt applied to my life as a 'not married', separated, going through legal issues woman.  Dirty was one of the words I used.  I never imagined the dirtiness I would feel from accusations, blame, slander, gossip, and lost relationships.  Actually, I never imagined any of that happening at all, let alone the sensations that would accompany it.


But, this recent email I received from a kind gentleman friend, directed my thoughts to something other than ugly adjectives for myself.  He used the word 'identity'; that word up there with all the various definitions after it.  I've been considering it ever since we chatted about it.


I am not dirty.  I have merely changed identity.  This change in identity also includes loss, which makes it painful, but pain is not soiled.


I was once a wife.  Now I a separated woman, with a name, but no connection to a man I once called 'husband.  A marriage license no longer connects my heart to that role.  My identity has changed.  This does not make me dirty.


How have you changed identity?  Did you, too, change marital status? Are you an empty nester, now?  Did you lose or change your vocation?  Have you always identified yourself as Mr. or Mrs. So and So, or someone's Daddy or Momma, or a doctor, a baker, a banker, a teacher?


Our titles may change. But, our character does not.  No longer being married is not an avenue to disaster and smudging of moral character or value.  Losing a job, or no longer caring for any children in the home is not a change in who you are.  It is an alteration of title, of position, not validity or uniqueness.


Yet, I know the loss of these parts of what you do in life is a painful thing, and can even be heartbreaking.  Single, widowed, grieving parent, jobless, parapalegic who was once a sports hero....any number of scenarios cry out the angst of such losses.  But you are still able to be who you were created to be.


Are you becoming THAT person....the one God created you to be?  If you are a believer in Him, you are His Child...not only His creation, but His very relation. That identity will never be altered.  You stand complete in Him no matter your marital, parenting or money making status.


Each of us is created in the image of God....His creativity, His divine attributes of longing for fellowship, talents, love of nature, art, music, wonder...love..He has put each of those within us, in our identity as His image bearers.


My marital status does not change that.  Nor does yours.


I am no longer Mrs. _____ _________.  I am Gayle Kuhnle Hansen.  Made in the image of God. I am creative, loving, kind, outgoing, spastic, funky, compassionate, easily tearful, a hugger, madly in love with Jesus, a writer, a singer, a painter...a friend, a parent, a sister, a mother, a daughter.  None of those parts of who I am have changed because I am no longer a man's wife.  I am the Beloved of Christ Jesus.  As His child, you are, too.


My identity in Him, as the woman He created my to be is solid.  It will not change.  My titles may, my character will not. Marital status does not steal these things from me. I am not dirty.  I have an identity rooted in My Creator, My Redeemer, My Beloved Bridegroom Jesus.  I am whole.

I'm not learning...

Psalm 46:10.."Be still and know that I AM God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all kingdoms."

And in my life, Lord.

Oh, really?

Just how still are you being and letting God have his perfect work in You?
When, exactly, have you stopped thrashing around trying to figure out all the details of life and how each one will play itself out for you?

What did you get that tattoo for, the one that reminds you to be still before God...to let Him BE God in your life? 

I'm wondering now, because I surely haven't been a good student in this ART 101....Art of Being Still Before the Father.  I have tended to jump ahead in my assignmemts and not waited for the details He wants to explain to me for each one.  So, that has meant I've included items that He never intended to be part of the art project. 

Really, this is not a personal butt whoopin' time.  I don't need guilt trips, and I don't thrive on 'should haves', 'oughts' and 'what ifs'.  But, the reality of striving has been shown to me. 
My own striving.

Another version of Psalm 46:10 says, "Cease striving and know that God is God."  Cease striving, stop wiggling, quit being agitated, don't try to figure out life so much; all things I've caught myself doing recently.

How about you?  Are you wrestling with life and the adventures it is throwing at you? Do you fret over the details when there is no possible way you could control them?  Are you believing God is at work in circumstances around you?

Sometimes, I strive. Sometimes I trust.  I prefer the trust option. It offers so much more serenity.

Be still. Stay in a state of serenity.