Growth Through Divorce, Jim Smoke's book, offers more simple tidbits for healthy movement forward as you go through a divorce or separation. As I write, I am doing so from the perspective that the divorce is inevitable, has happened already, and working towards reconciliation is not a goal, healthy, or even desired. That sounds harsh to even type those words, but it is an acceptance of reality. If you have walked in my shoes, then you understand this reality.
After the simplistic directive to deal with your divorce and all the very drastic life changes accompanying it one day at a time, comes the next piece of advice from Mr. Smoke. Again, I'll not plagiarize his writing, but share with you what I glean from it.
While giving yourself mercy and grace to heal, to move forward and live one day at a time, a step you can take to help this process is to make a very clean break from your former spouse. When time has passed and you are able to fellowship around your spouse without an emotional reaction of some sort, then you will have more times of being around him or her. But, until that time comes, it is best to establish a very clear set of boundaries and stick to them.
This will include:
Follow visitation schedules to the 'letter of the law' set up through the friend of the court. If you are in need of some alterations, try to make those calmly with your ex spouse, but if not, stick right to the written schedule, or let the court decide. In my own case, I really felt it best to let the children see their father as often as possible, coming and going to his home as often as they desired since he'd moved in next door to us. But, over the months, I realized this lack of clear boundaries and time schedules really created chaos and uncertainty for the kids and for their dad. The children were never quite sure when they were supposed to stay with daddy and when they could come home. Very sure boundaries are a guide for all and healthy for everyone's mental state.
Keep clarity about holidays and birthdays. However your schedule for these things was set up at the time of the custody hearings, follow it. This will spare you of unnecessary emotional upheaval at unexpected plans or kinks thrown into the gears.
There is no need to go inside or have your spouse come in when dropping off or picking up children for visitation. When he or she comes to the door, that is where they should stay until the children are ready. Do not ask if a drink or snack is needed, just let the time be spent discussing any needs of the children's visitation time. This will keep emotional turmoil to a low level.
If an issue over the children or support arises, discuss it calmly. If you cannot, let your ex spouse know it is not a good time to chat, you will pray about it and you can talk again at such and such time on such and such day. Set clear timelines and boundaries. letting him or her know you do indeed plan to continue the conversation; but, will only do so when you feel best prepared to make a sound decision.
This is a hard one, but try to do it for your own emotional health and for being able to move on. If you get letters from an ex spouse or his family, do not read them. Give them to a trusted counselor or friend to see if there is anything that needs to be addressed such as a support or visitation issue, but otherwise, don't be curious. In our emotional growth and maturity during this process, we need to take on the mindset of famous movie stars who REFUSE to read tabloids about themselves. These folks won't read the National Inquirer, or the critic's columns on their latest movies. This spares their mind and emotions from battles and lost nights of sleep. LET'S COPY THEM!!! Besides being handsome, Brad Pitt is smart on this advice.
Don't be curious about what others think of you. The folks in your life that are healthy and of value have already affirmed to you what they think. The rest, those who dog you and slander you, are truly messengers of the Enemy to discourage, malign, and steal your peace. Let their thoughts be like chaff in the wind at harvest time. You'll be more whole of mind because of it. They shall give an account for every word spoken; especially those spoken with evil intent. So, don't be curious over their invectives. Curiosity killed the cat. It'll kill your spirit, too.
The other form of curiosity that will get you is the kind that makes you wonder what your spouse is up to in life. If you've been betrayed, or hurt, or rejected by a former spouse, it is easy to always wonder about that spouse's activity and if he or she is setting you up again for some kind of hurt. Or maybe you have considered reconciling and wonder if he's changed. Don't let curiosity over his life get to you. Do not drive by his house. Do not drive by his work. Do not ask friends or neighbors what he or she has been up to socially. Especially do NOT quiz your children about their other parent. Trust that if you need to know something it will be revealed. You divorced or separated for a reason. Accept that reason and move forward. Do not try to stay mentally attached through keeping track of your former spouse. Their new life is not your business unless it is harming your children at visitation.
Curiosity...overcome it where your former spouse is concerned.
These are just a few ideas to concentrate upon as you focus on growth, healing and maturity during your divorce and the many days, weeks, and months following. It's a journey. And remember, journeys begin with one step, then continue for many more. Take the first steps for your healing journey.
I'm praying for you....Gayle
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