For me, the purpose in joining the blog world is NOT to post personal journal items such as my day to day happenings.  My goal in writing has been to share the lessons I’ve learned in a new phase of life called singleness.  I hope to encourage others with my own experiences as I have entered the new, and painful world, of  being a single woman and parent. 
Often, married folks take for granted the gazillion tasks carried out daily in a household that are ultimately done together.  Even without considering it, when married, a partner usually has the back up of the other in decision making, doctor’s appointments, ER visits, childcare routines, sports activity schedules, etc. ad nauseum.  Having another  adult in the room, or even on the property, takes a lot of weight off of one’s shoulders.  I’m feeling the weight of not having that sound, soulful, healthy partner in life. 
 I am carrying out the tasks of raising children alone, disciplining them alone, handling their pains and anxieties alone, planning their activities and education alone, paying bills and figuring out finances alone, taking them to hospitals for emergencies alone, often even making money alone when support and alimony are behind due to health concerns for my former husband.  It is me alone who faces the battles of selling a large home, of thinking where to move, how to find more income producing work. And , most especially, it is me alone who faces the small town scrutiny of my actions, my choices, my relationships, my educational choices for my children, my time use, and my lack of explanation for any of the above.
Living in a very small community  -  where you don’t dare speak badly of anyone, because surely, someone in the room will be related to them -  is like living on a microscope slide.   My town is connected and webbed together with families all marrying to one another, going to churches together, working in factories together, and all shopping at the same grocery store for decades.  Be careful, because you might walk into a ladies’ restroom and hear your name being discussed.   This all means that, at any time, you will be subject to scrutiny of every decision, weight gain, purchase, hair color change,  and relationship change you experience. 
For me, this has meant a good deal of microscopic, and often myopic, viewing of my every deed.  The past two years of living as a single parent has meant a good deal of change and, hopefully, forward motion on my part and that of my children.  But, because I’m a woman alone, it is often intimated that I do not make these forward moving decisions with wisdom or proper motivation.   Not only this, but I also often deal with people who do not respect boundaries, so my life is especially, persistently critiqued by folks who do not do such critiquing with proper motives or the desire to encourage me in my walk with God or my leading of my family.
My relationships are often questioned, my actions, my dress, even my writing on this blog.  Many of you, who have walked through messy divorces or separations, have probably experienced the very same painful interference in your lives.  It seems the small community mindset says our lives must be laid bare for others to determine if we, in our newfound singleness, are making proper choices.  Or could it be we have all flipped our female lids and gone off the deep end of sane thinking and sound decision making? 
It is beyond  frustrating to have one’s decisions discussed publicly; to have pressure to defend every action and decision.  If I lived in Chicago, or even, perhaps Grand Rapids, this small town, gossipy scrutinizing might not exist.  But, alas, I’m in a community knit closely with connections that almost seem parasitic at times. 
It is only recently that I have realized that if I am at peace with God, I have no need to explain anything to anyone.  No person has this need.  When led by God, who else must you pacify with an explanation?  Please, know, I am not talking about blatant unhealthy behavior or boundary-less behavior that affects many others.  If I was doing cocaine in front of my children, I hope someone would call me on it.   I speak of the choices in life that are not for others to take part in for mere speculation. 

Recently, my own life has been overshadowed by the ugliness that comes with the separation/divorce world.  I am reminded that I am not the first to travel this road.  Many have gone before me, throughout history, and been subject to slander, maligning, gossip, and deviant behaviors that cause nothing but stress in an already stressed life.  What is the purpose, I do not know.   Some people just need to cause heartache as they travel through life.  We cannot change them.  I cannot -have not - and you cannot. 
So, today, I write to say,
 “Let us trust that the heavenly Father does indeed see all things.  He is not blind to sin or strife causing activity.  He says he hates strife makers.  Let us not copy such behavior.  Let’s ask Him to strengthen us to have no need of retaliation or revenge.  Let’s trust Him to carry out His will for those who grieve Him desperately with desperate deeds.  May we truly trust His hand in our lives; trust that He has plans when we do NOT see Him taking immediate action, trust His heart in allowing the activity to continue unabated.  He is so good and trustworthy, even in this world of brokenness.   He does NOT plan the sin of these people in our lives; He knew it would happen once the world was broken by Adam and his Eve.  These hurtful people are nothing new to God.  Not at all. Do you believe this?  That sin such as theirs has existed since creation’s fall is absolutely true.  Think Cain and Abel.  Bitter jealousy led to murder.   Today,  bitter jealousy and greed often lead to the murder of another’s character.  This might be happening to you.  Are you willing to trust God in such pain? “
That is my prayer today,  even as I write
I trust you, Father.  You know and see all things. Your heart grieves.  You love me so desperately and know me intimately.  Even better than I know myself. Thank you, Father.  You blow me away.  I seek your face for direction every day.  It is You who guides me – You who empowers me to press on amidst strife.  I love  you, Lord.
I will continue to blog, write my life lessons from the Father,  share the experiences that are so profoundly changing me into a woman of strength, character, adventure, creativity, and spunk.
Thanks, God, for doing such a work in me. I give you credit for all things.  You are amazing, God.

The Candy Man Can

A dear and precious friend shared an allegorical tale with me the other day.  We had been discussing our longings and heart aches, wondering how the heavenly Father sees and handles them all.  This wonderful and creative lady created an image of God’s work in our lives. Let me see if I can build creatively on her story and encourage you by it as I was so wonderfully that day.

The Candy Man Can

The walk to The Treasured Sweets Shoppe is on a path so worn by us, that our eyes could be closed and we’d still make it right to the spot outside the window of the shop.  My friend and I have made the journey from home to our place against the glass every single day for the last few years. 

But, we’ve never gone in the shop. We’re not sure we’re allowed inside.  When we stand outside the shop with our faces pressed against the shiny window, we see kids of all sorts inside. Each one is smiling and laughing. The Candy Man keeps serving them treats from trays that are laden with chocolates, caramels, and candies.  Some in the corner even get ice cream sundaes with whipped cream piled so high it goes up their noses.  They laugh while they lick it off with up curled tongues.  It all looks so delicious.

And the Candy Man looks so nice.  Every now and then, He seems to look towards the window and smile at us.  But, we never know if He means we should come inside, or if maybe He just smiles to be nice, but really wishes we’d get our messy noses off His sparkling clear glass. 

He shares with the children so freely.  It’s funny, but we notice He doesn’t let the kids paw their hands all through the treats.  He looks all around His trays and seems to pick out the perfect treat He wants them to enjoy.  My mouth waters and I swallow hard sometimes when I see kids take the first bite of the delicacies offered to them.

Most of the kids inside seem thankful, and that makes the Candy Man so happy.  He rubs their heads with His big smooth hand.  I can almost feel what His hand would feel like on my shoulder when I see Him caress one of the kids on their own shoulders or arms.  I bet it feels warm and soft.  He seems like He’s always gentle.  Even when some of the kids drop their treats, or drip melted ice cream on the floor, He doesn’t’ get angry.  He just gently cleans up the messes, and serves more to those sloppy kids. 

There are a couple of kids who my friend and I notice don’t seem thankful for their sweets.  Boy, would we like to change places with them. We’d for sure be thankful.  That’s what we say to each other as we gaze through the glass.  The Man seems sad when kids aren’t thankful. When we watch Him, it doesn’t look like He scolds them at all, but He sure has a look on His face that says, ‘Sadness’.

We walk home every day wondering when we can go in the Treasure Shop.  It’s so frightening to wonder if the Candy Man would never want us inside.   What if He threw us out and said that only certain kids could come in and enjoy His special treasures?  Standing outside the glass, longing forever, would be easier than having Him tell us we can never come inside.  Sometimes, we get so scared of that thought, we are afraid that maybe we should just never go back.  Maybe this would keep the Man from ever rejecting us.

But, our hearts pull us to the Shoppe every day.  Our faces press on the glass, the steam from our breath clouding the glass so that we have to wipe it with our palms over and over again. 

Oh, look at today’s tray of goodies.  They look so much more rich than we’ve ever seen.  I don’t even recognize the chocolates.  Truffles, maybe?  I’ve heard of those, but I don’t know what they are.  The Candy Man isn’t passing those out, yet.

Uh, oh.  The Man is looking at us a lot today.  We are wondering if we should just back up and leave.  Are we making His glass too messy today?  He’s never scowled or anything, but today He keeps looking up at us.  Oh, no. He just put that  extra special looking tray back in the glass case and He’s walking towards the door.

My friend is shaking and my heart is beating so hard I think He can hear it through the glass.  I know she wants to run like I want to run, but it is too late.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling.

The bell rings as the Candy Man opens the door and steps outside.  Neither of us look up at Him. We just keep looking down at our feet now.

“My precious Children, would you like to come inside today?” He gently asks.

We both slowly turn our faces to Him. Did He just invite us in to share His treats?

“Little Ones, I’ve been watching you for so long.  I have not ignored your looks of longing.  You’ve been so patient, watching the others enjoy my treasures.  I could tell you wanted to be able to take part in them, too, but you’ve stayed outside the glass.  It’s been so long you’ve stood there.  Are you ready to share in my delicacies?  I’m ready to share with you now.”

My heart is still beating wildly.  The Candy Man is, indeed, speaking to us with love and an invitation. He isn’t shooing us away.  He isn’t telling us we can’t have what the others have been enjoying.  I can feel my friend’s  hand shaking in my own.  She squeezes me tightly. 

“Beloved, I’ve been waiting for just the right time to invite you in.  I knew you’d always be grateful for any treats. But, I’ve been saving a very exotic array of delicacies just for the day you’d be allowed in.  I ordered them especially for you on the first day you pressed your tiny faces against my glass.  These treasures are so costly and rare that they have taken many, many days to arrive.  I’ve not given them to the others.  Today, I want to give them to  you.  I am looking so forward to watching you as you gratefully delight in every single morsel that touches your tongue. For, I know this will, indeed, be your response to My long awaited treasures for you.”

“Come in, please.  Let me take you both to a spot waiting just for you.”

We both take one of His hands.  Yes, they are just as warm and soft as I imagined His hands would be.  When we get inside, He lets go of our hands, and we grab on to each other.  The smells in the Candy Shoppe are overwhelming. Such sweet aromas, such richness.  It is hard not to cry, it is all so powerful to every sense we possess. 

We slowly walk towards the glass counter where behind it the Man has stepped.  He takes out that tray; the one we saw earlier with all the exotic indescribable chocolates on it.  With His big, gentle hand, He slowly picks just the perfect one for each of us.  I noticed He gave my friend a different chocolate than my own, but once I tasted mine, I didn’t care.

I was overcome.  The sweetness, the delight, the joy…this treasured delicacy was like nothing I’d never tasted.  He’d had it planned for me all along. He said so. He was just waiting for the perfect day to invite me in to partake of it.  I stood outside that glass, thinking He didn’t even care whether I was there or not. I thought He noticed me, but didn’t know me.  He did know me all along.  He knew the treat that would be like gold to me. 

He planned to delight my heart all along.   And He knew my friend just as well. I watched her slowly nibble away on her sweet treat, and she was just as thrilled with hers as I was with mine.  And we were so happy for each other.  Together, we had walked the path of yearning, and together, we saw and felt The Candy Man reach out to us in our deepest longing moment, draw us in to His treasured place and feed us the richest of fare, prepared and planned just for us.

The Man never took His eyes and heart from us, even when we had no clue He noticed.  He was always noticing.

And He’s always noticing.

Father, thank you that you are far beyond any Candy Man, but, this imagery makes me love you more desperately.  Thank you for always noticing my yearnings and planning for them far in advance of my own notice.

Abundant Opportunity

That title sounds like a good one, doesn't it?  Kinda makes your heart leap with excitement for some treasure awaiting, money to be earned, advancement to be gained, or job to be won. 

Think again.  I'm not talking at all about those sorts of opportunities.  My mind is set on stress today.  Not just my own. 

I have had letters from others going through stresses, pains, challenges and the hard times this earthly life offers in spades.  A friend ust lost a child, another lost health insurance and needs it, another wants to move forward in her single life, but her children are not understanding the transitions of such a move.  Multiple folks I know are battling cancer, marital discord, sick children, job loss, home foreclosure, and financial loss at exorbitant amounts.  There is no end to the stress that hovers over the globe.  Personally, locally and globally.

So, abundant opportunity.

To tell you the truth, sometimes I get so sick of stress, I have absolutely NOOOO desire to see it as an opportunity.  I just want to rant and rave a bit, maybe yell a few strings of powerful words...like 'Bugger', or some such verbal angst...I want to chew up my stress and spit it out.  Situations that are tough suck.  There is just no feminine way to express it.  I could say they  'vacuum', since vacuums suck. 

Nope, they suck.  They are tiresome, wearisome, burdensome and cumbersome. And some more of that, too.

Yeah, I just said that.  So, the word 'some' felt good at the moment.

I'm getting sarcastic now, which shows you where my  mind is today.  NOT in the opportunity mode, that is for sure.

But, Scripture speaks to me that as I think, so will I be.  That a transformed life comes from a renewed mind.  Hmmmmm....what's it called? 'Stinkin' Thinkin'!!!!

Abundant opportunity does exist in the stresses - my own and the kind I know my friends are facing today.  A dear friend went to awaken a child from what she thought was sleep, and found her daughter unresponsive. Now, that mom is in an emergency room with her daughter.  What opportunity exists there?  Prayer, trust, complete humility before God, receiving love from others. 

Another dear gal I know is wrestling with singlehood.  It can be fantastic, freeing, delightful. But, it also brings loneliness, exclusion from certain activities, aging alone, no children, constant comments and gossip from overly concerned onlookers who are sure you need a man or a woman.  The desire to just hide can be powerful in such situations...or stay out of the public eye. You don't want to go to church functions, the grocery store, Christmas plays.  And heaven forbid that you go to something of a 'dating' nature, like a movie, a play, a concert, or a fine restaurant.  What?  No Date????!!!  It strains at credulity, it does.

And it's painful.  What opportunity awaits there?  Trust, tears before the Lord, complete humility, knowing God like others do not because He is all you have, making friends of the sort married people cannot enjoy, freedom to serve and enrich your life with activities of your choosing or God's leading.

Cancer...what could possibly be opportunistic about that!!!??  Even the word is stressful and causes blood pressure to rise.  But, I've watched some really grace filled men and women bring absolute glory to God as they declare Him to be there strength in the war against cancer.  They have long extended prayer time as they take chemo; they write notes and cards for others; they can do nothing, but trust, because fretting does not one lick of good.  Not one.  One opportunity given is the chance to set all relationships straight.  A friend who had brain cancer made sure every word he wanted said was said, every apology made, and every relationship brought to right.  He knew death was coming as a certain visitor, so he acted on the opportunity to leave this world with all his relationships right before God.

I'm sitting here wondering how God wants me to be opportunity minded in my stress.  No one is dying at my house.  Giving thanks for such circumstances should be a response I have to that thought.  But, even more, in all the stress and confusion over finances, house selling, where to move, looking for higher paying work, etc. etc. etc. etc...I want to focus on how much my Father in heaven loves me.  I know for certain that the walk of faith is being forged into my limbs.  My feeble legs are being strengthened. 

Over the past few years of legal battles, marital loss, relationship changes, financial hassles, slander to my name, single parenting, homeschooling, et al. I have been weary beyond description.  Collapse has felt possible on more than a few occasions.  Yet, if I look at myself now and then take a gander back a few years, I can see very clearly that I was opportunity minded. God has been doing great things in me; strengthening my spirit, my faith and my hope.  He has filled me with such a love for others, I can't believe it.  Even when I was not aware of the abundance occuring in me, God was doing it.

Give yourself a break. Take a look at your stresses, try to see them as opportunities, but DO NOT go into I should, I should, I should mode.  Pretty soon,  you'll should all over yourself.  No...let God do the work of the abundance in you that will be a product of being still before Him in stress.

I have a tattoo on my shoulder with the numbers: 46:10. It is a constant reminder to Be Still and Know that God is God.  Those numbers rest inside a crescent moon which has a sun inside its curve. It is meant to show the reflection of the sun in the moon.  On a walk one day, when the moon shone in front of me, and the sun was bright behind me, I realized the moon is vital but gets all its glory and light as it reflects the light of the sun.  Well, guess what God said to me that day!!

"Gayle, your job is to reflect my son.  You are vital. The things happening in your life are vital.  But, unless you let me be your strength and glory, all those things will be futile.  Don't waste any moments of stress or joy.  Let them be mine to fill you with abundance and let my 'light' be reflected in you."

Father, you are always amazing..and always abundant towards me.

I love you.

Disguised as Heartache

A popular Christian song out right now is 'Blessing' by Laura Story.  It's powerful to say the least. The music is beautiful, moving - but the lyrics are the intensity of this song's emotive force.  And when I say 'emotive', I do NOT mean it is merely an emotional movement that the hearer experiences.  If allowed to, the lyrics will take you to a place deep in your spirit, the place where you yield your will to the heavenly Father's.   

Before I go on, I want to share the lyrics of Laura Story's moving song: 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

If music moves you as it does me, you will need to pull over in your car to the side of the road if this plays while you are driving. 

I recently shared this song with a dear man, whom I deeply respect, and I am not so sure it ministered to him in any way, shape, or form.  He'll let me know if I'm wrong, he's that kind of guy.  But, I think to him this song said that God is going to bring trauma and pain into your life to create goodness deep within....that we should see our trials as God saying they are the means he'll show his love, by letting you suffer, not taking it all away, and hoping you get the message in it all.  I'm sorry if I am interpreting my friend's point wrong..I'll print a retraction, or explanation....or he may post a response, if I'm not right.

I see this song as something so different.  Life on earth is so full of pain, heartache, stress, trauma, delight, messes, crap and sucky things.  God never one time promised us He would remove them just because we trust in Him. Perfection is for heaven...for eternity.  Not for earth.  Our Christianity only makes us able to face each trial with hope..hope for eternity, knowledge of the truth that there is a better day coming.

But, in the meantime, each trial, each tear...each day of mourning..can be a step along the pathway that leads us to the feet of Jesus, to His image in us, to knowing Him.  Isn't that the goal all along?  Believe me, I know the pain of being challenged about my desire for eternal good versus this earth.  When I think of being married again to a great husband, I am challenged to wonder about eternal happiness rather than earthly happiness.  Challenged to consider one thousand years from now after having lived for God's glory alone, rather than a few short eighty years here on earth lived for my glory. 

I know the pain of such a thought and a challenge.  I'm not saying AT ALL that having delight on earth is wrong.  No way!!! Don't believe it.    What I am saying, is the absence of delight is not a measuring stick of God's love for you and His work in your life. 

What if shattered dreams were the pathway to greater dreams that have their source in Him?  I'm challenged to this question by Larry Crabb in Shattered Dreams.   What if, instead of thinking of crappy moments, tears, days of sorrow and heartache as some horrible, nasty time to trudge through with lamen,t we instead think of them as dark nights of the soul that lead us to the light of knowing Jesus more, of knowing God cares for every hurt and ache, He weeps over us with love, He yearns for our trust in Him, our trust that He has a greater good...He doesn't give us our desire for lesser things when He knows they pale in comparison to His desires and plans for us?  What if?

None of these thoughts is shared tritely.  I assure you of this.  My life's story is filled with traumas and aches that led me to become a trembling woman on the side of a bed, daily rocking back and forth, begging God for deliverance.   Really.  So, as I write, it is not as one who knows no heartache enough to be able to speak from the place you may feel now, or in the recent past, or near future. 

Know that the Father in heaven can redeem every loss in this life; make it of incalculable worth for eternity - which is quite a bit longer than our eighty or so years on earth.  Hard to fathom, heh?

Pain is pain, heart ache, trauma, sucky things, crappy feelings, anger comes .......but, we get to choose if we let God turn tears to His work of Mercy; or trials to His blessings of lessons learned, compassion gained, characteristics of Jesus made known in us....or do we get bitter and angry at Him.

 Will we see through the disguise?

Finding yourself again

Going on a sabbatical to 'find myself' is not my kind of trip.   Plus, the trip would have to be a really long one.   I'm not into the psychobabble of finding myself in order to make excuses for some newfound, zany activity or attitude.  What I am discovering is that after having been defined by marriage and its accompanying heartache I need to discover who I am, what I like, my passions, pursuits, etc. so I can move forward as the newly set free to be healthy ME.

How many of us go through the painful days of a very battle filled marriage, a home full of strife that is constant, and the abuse to our souls that causes the death of our very selves. And for those of you who have been in those arenas, you know I do not speak with dramatic flair for effect. Death of the soul is a given if one is to survive physically in such circumstances. 

It is so easy, and often necessary, to just give up oneself to survive in daily trauma.  If a man or woman cannot leave such a situation, or does not presently see a way of escape or rescue, then staying and surviving are the two most valid choices. Even walking in great faith and hope does not always change circumstances enough to make them bearable.  Abuse is abuse, no matter how spirit filled one tries to be. And being a Christian does not take away such pain.  It gives hope for eternity in such situations, but it does not ease them. 

God never promised it would. 

As people give themselves over to a relationship in healthy means, then a wonderful, thriving couple can develop over the years into a companionship and love that is the most powerful force on earth. But, giving oneself over to an unhealthy relationship can be the most powerfully devastating act of life as the antithesis of the former.

People become defined by the trauma and stress of life.  There is no 'I', 'me', 'my', no personal interests, no hobbies, no rest and relaxation without always keeping one eye open, no personality strengths, no favorite foods or colors.  One forgets such things in survival mode.  When stress is constant, souls die.  Slowly, indiscernably -  like the frog heated in water to the boiling point....dead before he knows what hit him. 

This dark night of the soul comes subtly, like the powerful undertow of gorgeous Lake Michigan's shining surface. 

But, I'm here to say to you that resurrection is coming.  The soul defined by a painful past, a horribly hurtful marriage...it can be redefined, awakened and renewed.

What is your favorite color?  Have you experienced food that makes your senses tingle, or your facial surface tingle with the zest in the flavor?   Are you taking in sights, sounds, smells and touch like a newly awakened coma victim?  Do it!!!!

Go to the beach.  Listen to the waves. Smell the fishy smell of the spray and waves as they head toward shore.  Watch the gulls dive for a snatch of food left by a beach goer.  Feel the heat of the sun on your face, the brightness that seeps through closed eyelids.  Listen to music that stirs your passions..makes you think of a delightful lovemaking session, or a soulful time of worship before your heavenly Father.  Let music take you to dancing or playing air guitar.

Take a class. Teach yourself to paint. Sing in the car. Paint your nails and toenails, too.  Read any book you set your eyes upon.

Do whatever your heart leads you to do.  Taste what your tongue craves.  Listen to what your mind longs to absorb in music or sound.  Engage in healthy, soulful conversations with old friends, and new.  Debate theology.  Build that deck.  Start that business. Sell your house.  Use a dating site. 

Move ahead. Become the YOU God created you to be.  Find the ministry HE has designed for you, worship at His feet as HIS creation, His child as a believer; reach out to love others with all the love He put in you, but was stifled while you were merely surviving.

Be fabulous.  Be you. 

My favorite color is flaming burnt orange.  I want to wear as much of it as possible.  (No, I'm not dying my hair that color...)  I'm finding myself.  The definition of me, Gayle Hansen, will never again be boxed in by a marital measuring rod.  Me is who God designed me to be - with healthy boundaries, a forward thinking mind, a heart set on God alone as my guide, and passions He has put in me.

I love you, Lord.

I'm alive in YOU, and I find myself in who YOU created me to be.

Come find yourself in God with me.  It's a trip worth taking.
Let Him define you. 

A single mom's hardest day.....

Yesterday, I watched a dear friend, a single mom, carry the heaviest load any parent could ever bear.  She walked through the day as a grieving mother who had to release her son from  life.  She, in vain, did CPR for a half hour on a son she knew would never respond to it, but she could NOT let the chance go by that her efforts might make a difference.  This dear lady worked to physical exhaustion, but her might was not enough.  Her nineteen year old son was gone. 

I arrived at her home as the coroner left with the young man.  My stomach almost released its contents.  How would this mom press on? 

The rest of the day was spent making necessary phone calls, making food, doing dishes, going to pick up other children - who were miraculously gone during the trauma - that needed to be told the horrible news of their older brother's death; praying, and, eventually, just sitting together offering the sacrifice of praise in worship songs as we closed the day with singing around the dining room table.

I was more than humbled by the honor of being allowed to stay at the home, be with the family, to be given the chance to take part in their darkest hour, rather than be kept at arms length.  These people do not know the treasure they offered me in letting me share in their grief, letting me be exposed to the most raw and vulnerable moments their lives could endure.   My heart was overwhelmed by the grace I observed in the grieving mom, as she walked through the day.  Her heart was concerned for each of her other children.  She was worried about her ailing parents, the grieving grandparents of this young man.  Yes, she was in shock, she'd just seen and experienced horror beyond description; but it was not her shock that made her so gracious. This is a woman of faith; her strength was from  a heavenly Father that filled her with all she could not humanly have exhibited without His filling and upholding her.

The manifestation of HIM in HER was overwhelming. And real.

I watched miracles yesterday.  I witnessed moments like those we speak of when we say, "I don't know how I'd handle it......Oh, you only get grace for such moments when you really need it."   I saw those moments come to reality. Witnessing grace and strength for the time of need was poweful.  I saw God at work.  Tangibly. Visibly.  Within my grasp. 

My grieving friend is in the end of a very painful divorce.  Her life has been filled with heartache and trauma.  Nothing like yesterday, but, painful nonetheless.  Her former husband, the heartbroken father, was numb when we faced him with the news of his son's death.  But, harder than watching the grief on the faces of these two people, was watching them walk down a garden path to a home where their youngest daughters were staying to go deliver the news of their brother's death.  Those two parents, spouses no longer connected by love or companionship, walked with heads down, a foot apart, not able to reach out to each other with even a gentle stroke on the arm or shoulder. 

Their grief was palpable, raw, overwhelming. But, they could not share it.  There was no ability to minister to each other in it. 

This was the undoing of my emotions yesterday afternoon.  I had not sobbed before that moment.  It was not my place to take all sorts of tears to the house....I wept with this mom, I held her, prayed with her. But, I was not going to talk about how this whole idea of losing a child was 'hitting me'.  Not the time or place at ALL.  But, I let the tears fall heartily as I watched her walk away from me, with her former husband, yet so alone. 

At that moment, I became very aware of another facet of the gem called 'single parenting', 'single life'.  One of the parts not so pleasant.  Not so peaceful.  My heart felt sick for this precious woman, then.  And for every single parent that has done, or will do, the same walk of grief.

Oh, God, please give grace for every such moment.

Yet, she was not alone.  No, she did not have the support of a husband walking through her grief.  But, God has forged a bond between her, myself, and a band of Christian sisters who love each other with a fierce passion.  That bond was forged more powerfully yesterday.  As single women, we MUST seek and join ourselves to dear friends - ones who will journey along with us on every road we walk.  The group I mention is such a companion for the journey.

Some of us converged upon this mom's property as soon as the call of emergency was put out over phones and internet connections.  There was no asking if we should be there, no permission, no wondering...we just went.  Police officers were taken aback by the support shown.  They indicated that they don't usually see such a band of support in such situations as occurred at the home.  The counsel team said they definitely knew she and her family would need counseling and aid at some point after such a trauma, yet, they knew she had a support system unlike most they had ever seen.

What a treasure from God.  And what a blessing to me, at this very moment, to declare that I know those same ladies would flock together for me should I face such trauma. 

God was at work there yesterday.  The glory displayed in the love shown was absolutely astounding.  I watched grace at work.  The darkest day of this woman's life was not one she walked alone.  This lady was NOT alone. 

Oh, Father, thank you for such a gift for such a dear woman.  You love her more than we ever could, and You made us aware of that on August 16th, 2011.

I say to every single woman out there; immerse yourself in friends, enrich your life and love with people of faith, strength and grace, give yourself to them and open your life humbly to their care over you.  You will reap benefits beyond what money could afford.  The gain in your life as you give yourself, as you vulnerably open your life to them, as you receive their care and their open vulnerable selves as well, will be of more value than gold, diamonds, or precious treasures. 

Then, when you walk through the darkest days of life....death of a child, death of a parent, cancer, catastrophe, trauma of any sort....you will see the glory of God as He lays at your feet His tangible self in the form of those friends running to your door to hold onto you so you are NOT alone.

The Single parenting mode...

Okay, where do I go to resign?  I never once signed a single sheet of paper or legal work that committed me to single parenting!!!!  Who forged my name?  Somebody must have, because I have the job now. 

Dang. It's tough.  Where is my Superwoman cape?  Hurry, find me one fast.   Do those even come in my size?  I doubt it...large petite?  Is that an oxymoron?  Am I just a moron?  I'm feeling like one today.

Geepers, I never imagined parenting to be so difficult as it is now.  I am the sole legal and physical guardian of my children.  And in such a role, I feel as though I am under a microscope for examination, and often found to NOT be carrying out the role according to instructions.

What instructions is what I want to know?  Who said they had better ideas than me?  Who knows my family better than me?  Goodness. I'm weary from the second guessing of others.  I wear myself out enough with it, and am learning to NOT do it so often. But, then, when others add to it, my mind and heart are intensely wearied.

Well, Lord, I need wisdom and strength.

Single parenting is exhausting.  Powerfully, to the core, exhausting.  I never imagined......I'd have imploded had someone warned me and been able to show me the fatigue I would face.  Running away would have been a thought....and maybe, still could be....oops, no, not an option. Darn.

Kids all having needs at once, rebellious teens, discipline, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, paperwork for finances, school, camp; arguments, teen years, routine schedules....cars leaving the driveway every few minutes of the day....counseling appointments, hurt hearts, broken dreams, Army plans, wedding talk, girlfriend trouble, graduation openhouses, court battles,  etc. etc.  I'm tired.  And it doesn't end. There is no break from it all.

The job was not meant to be done alone.  I'm pretty sure that is why I'm extra tired. 

But, this is healthier than the alternative of a totally unhealthy dynamic in the home when I was married.  Seems odd to say that, but I'm at peace with it.

I often tell God I just can't do this, I wasn't made for this job.  He always reminds me of His power at work in me; always lets me know He is my strength when I am weak - oh, so weak; and He always reminds me that this world is not my true home...frustrations are only for a moment in light of eternity.  Troubles as a single parent, with rebelling teens, angry children, disappointed hopes...all these point me to the Best Parent in the world..another 'single parent'....my Heavenly Father. 

Every tear of frustration reminds me I need Him so much.  Every exhausted sigh is a breath upon His cheek as He holds me so closely to His chest and heart of love for me.

I love you, Papa God..you are the best when I am not.