The Art of Being Still

For me, the purpose in joining the blog world is NOT to post personal journal items such as my day to day happenings.  My goal in writing has been to share the lessons I’ve learned in a new phase of life called singleness.  I hope to encourage others with my own experiences as I have entered the new, and painful world, of  being a single woman and parent. 
Often, married folks take for granted the gazillion tasks carried out daily in a household that are ultimately done together.  Even without considering it, when married, a partner usually has the back up of the other in decision making, doctor’s appointments, ER visits, childcare routines, sports activity schedules, etc. ad nauseum.  Having another  adult in the room, or even on the property, takes a lot of weight off of one’s shoulders.  I’m feeling the weight of not having that sound, soulful, healthy partner in life. 
 I am carrying out the tasks of raising children alone, disciplining them alone, handling their pains and anxieties alone, planning their activities and education alone, paying bills and figuring out finances alone, taking them to hospitals for emergencies alone, often even making money alone when support and alimony are behind due to health concerns for my former husband.  It is me alone who faces the battles of selling a large home, of thinking where to move, how to find more income producing work. And , most especially, it is me alone who faces the small town scrutiny of my actions, my choices, my relationships, my educational choices for my children, my time use, and my lack of explanation for any of the above.
Living in a very small community  -  where you don’t dare speak badly of anyone, because surely, someone in the room will be related to them -  is like living on a microscope slide.   My town is connected and webbed together with families all marrying to one another, going to churches together, working in factories together, and all shopping at the same grocery store for decades.  Be careful, because you might walk into a ladies’ restroom and hear your name being discussed.   This all means that, at any time, you will be subject to scrutiny of every decision, weight gain, purchase, hair color change,  and relationship change you experience. 
For me, this has meant a good deal of microscopic, and often myopic, viewing of my every deed.  The past two years of living as a single parent has meant a good deal of change and, hopefully, forward motion on my part and that of my children.  But, because I’m a woman alone, it is often intimated that I do not make these forward moving decisions with wisdom or proper motivation.   Not only this, but I also often deal with people who do not respect boundaries, so my life is especially, persistently critiqued by folks who do not do such critiquing with proper motives or the desire to encourage me in my walk with God or my leading of my family.
My relationships are often questioned, my actions, my dress, even my writing on this blog.  Many of you, who have walked through messy divorces or separations, have probably experienced the very same painful interference in your lives.  It seems the small community mindset says our lives must be laid bare for others to determine if we, in our newfound singleness, are making proper choices.  Or could it be we have all flipped our female lids and gone off the deep end of sane thinking and sound decision making? 
It is beyond  frustrating to have one’s decisions discussed publicly; to have pressure to defend every action and decision.  If I lived in Chicago, or even, perhaps Grand Rapids, this small town, gossipy scrutinizing might not exist.  But, alas, I’m in a community knit closely with connections that almost seem parasitic at times. 
It is only recently that I have realized that if I am at peace with God, I have no need to explain anything to anyone.  No person has this need.  When led by God, who else must you pacify with an explanation?  Please, know, I am not talking about blatant unhealthy behavior or boundary-less behavior that affects many others.  If I was doing cocaine in front of my children, I hope someone would call me on it.   I speak of the choices in life that are not for others to take part in for mere speculation. 

Recently, my own life has been overshadowed by the ugliness that comes with the separation/divorce world.  I am reminded that I am not the first to travel this road.  Many have gone before me, throughout history, and been subject to slander, maligning, gossip, and deviant behaviors that cause nothing but stress in an already stressed life.  What is the purpose, I do not know.   Some people just need to cause heartache as they travel through life.  We cannot change them.  I cannot -have not - and you cannot. 
So, today, I write to say,
 “Let us trust that the heavenly Father does indeed see all things.  He is not blind to sin or strife causing activity.  He says he hates strife makers.  Let us not copy such behavior.  Let’s ask Him to strengthen us to have no need of retaliation or revenge.  Let’s trust Him to carry out His will for those who grieve Him desperately with desperate deeds.  May we truly trust His hand in our lives; trust that He has plans when we do NOT see Him taking immediate action, trust His heart in allowing the activity to continue unabated.  He is so good and trustworthy, even in this world of brokenness.   He does NOT plan the sin of these people in our lives; He knew it would happen once the world was broken by Adam and his Eve.  These hurtful people are nothing new to God.  Not at all. Do you believe this?  That sin such as theirs has existed since creation’s fall is absolutely true.  Think Cain and Abel.  Bitter jealousy led to murder.   Today,  bitter jealousy and greed often lead to the murder of another’s character.  This might be happening to you.  Are you willing to trust God in such pain? “
That is my prayer today,  even as I write
I trust you, Father.  You know and see all things. Your heart grieves.  You love me so desperately and know me intimately.  Even better than I know myself. Thank you, Father.  You blow me away.  I seek your face for direction every day.  It is You who guides me – You who empowers me to press on amidst strife.  I love  you, Lord.
I will continue to blog, write my life lessons from the Father,  share the experiences that are so profoundly changing me into a woman of strength, character, adventure, creativity, and spunk.
Thanks, God, for doing such a work in me. I give you credit for all things.  You are amazing, God.