Okay, where do I go to resign? I never once signed a single sheet of paper or legal work that committed me to single parenting!!!! Who forged my name? Somebody must have, because I have the job now.
Dang. It's tough. Where is my Superwoman cape? Hurry, find me one fast. Do those even come in my size? I doubt it...large petite? Is that an oxymoron? Am I just a moron? I'm feeling like one today.
Geepers, I never imagined parenting to be so difficult as it is now. I am the sole legal and physical guardian of my children. And in such a role, I feel as though I am under a microscope for examination, and often found to NOT be carrying out the role according to instructions.
What instructions is what I want to know? Who said they had better ideas than me? Who knows my family better than me? Goodness. I'm weary from the second guessing of others. I wear myself out enough with it, and am learning to NOT do it so often. But, then, when others add to it, my mind and heart are intensely wearied.
Well, Lord, I need wisdom and strength.
Single parenting is exhausting. Powerfully, to the core, exhausting. I never imagined......I'd have imploded had someone warned me and been able to show me the fatigue I would face. Running away would have been a thought....and maybe, still could be....oops, no, not an option. Darn.
Kids all having needs at once, rebellious teens, discipline, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, paperwork for finances, school, camp; arguments, teen years, routine schedules....cars leaving the driveway every few minutes of the day....counseling appointments, hurt hearts, broken dreams, Army plans, wedding talk, girlfriend trouble, graduation openhouses, court battles, etc. etc. I'm tired. And it doesn't end. There is no break from it all.
The job was not meant to be done alone. I'm pretty sure that is why I'm extra tired.
But, this is healthier than the alternative of a totally unhealthy dynamic in the home when I was married. Seems odd to say that, but I'm at peace with it.
I often tell God I just can't do this, I wasn't made for this job. He always reminds me of His power at work in me; always lets me know He is my strength when I am weak - oh, so weak; and He always reminds me that this world is not my true home...frustrations are only for a moment in light of eternity. Troubles as a single parent, with rebelling teens, angry children, disappointed hopes...all these point me to the Best Parent in the world..another 'single parent'....my Heavenly Father.
Every tear of frustration reminds me I need Him so much. Every exhausted sigh is a breath upon His cheek as He holds me so closely to His chest and heart of love for me.
I love you, Papa God..you are the best when I am not.
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