Going on a sabbatical to 'find myself' is not my kind of trip. Plus, the trip would have to be a really long one. I'm not into the psychobabble of finding myself in order to make excuses for some newfound, zany activity or attitude. What I am discovering is that after having been defined by marriage and its accompanying heartache I need to discover who I am, what I like, my passions, pursuits, etc. so I can move forward as the newly set free to be healthy ME.
How many of us go through the painful days of a very battle filled marriage, a home full of strife that is constant, and the abuse to our souls that causes the death of our very selves. And for those of you who have been in those arenas, you know I do not speak with dramatic flair for effect. Death of the soul is a given if one is to survive physically in such circumstances.
It is so easy, and often necessary, to just give up oneself to survive in daily trauma. If a man or woman cannot leave such a situation, or does not presently see a way of escape or rescue, then staying and surviving are the two most valid choices. Even walking in great faith and hope does not always change circumstances enough to make them bearable. Abuse is abuse, no matter how spirit filled one tries to be. And being a Christian does not take away such pain. It gives hope for eternity in such situations, but it does not ease them.
God never promised it would.
As people give themselves over to a relationship in healthy means, then a wonderful, thriving couple can develop over the years into a companionship and love that is the most powerful force on earth. But, giving oneself over to an unhealthy relationship can be the most powerfully devastating act of life as the antithesis of the former.
People become defined by the trauma and stress of life. There is no 'I', 'me', 'my', no personal interests, no hobbies, no rest and relaxation without always keeping one eye open, no personality strengths, no favorite foods or colors. One forgets such things in survival mode. When stress is constant, souls die. Slowly, indiscernably - like the frog heated in water to the boiling point....dead before he knows what hit him.
This dark night of the soul comes subtly, like the powerful undertow of gorgeous Lake Michigan's shining surface.
But, I'm here to say to you that resurrection is coming. The soul defined by a painful past, a horribly hurtful marriage...it can be redefined, awakened and renewed.
What is your favorite color? Have you experienced food that makes your senses tingle, or your facial surface tingle with the zest in the flavor? Are you taking in sights, sounds, smells and touch like a newly awakened coma victim? Do it!!!!
Go to the beach. Listen to the waves. Smell the fishy smell of the spray and waves as they head toward shore. Watch the gulls dive for a snatch of food left by a beach goer. Feel the heat of the sun on your face, the brightness that seeps through closed eyelids. Listen to music that stirs your passions..makes you think of a delightful lovemaking session, or a soulful time of worship before your heavenly Father. Let music take you to dancing or playing air guitar.
Take a class. Teach yourself to paint. Sing in the car. Paint your nails and toenails, too. Read any book you set your eyes upon.
Do whatever your heart leads you to do. Taste what your tongue craves. Listen to what your mind longs to absorb in music or sound. Engage in healthy, soulful conversations with old friends, and new. Debate theology. Build that deck. Start that business. Sell your house. Use a dating site.
Move ahead. Become the YOU God created you to be. Find the ministry HE has designed for you, worship at His feet as HIS creation, His child as a believer; reach out to love others with all the love He put in you, but was stifled while you were merely surviving.
Be fabulous. Be you.
My favorite color is flaming burnt orange. I want to wear as much of it as possible. (No, I'm not dying my hair that color...) I'm finding myself. The definition of me, Gayle Hansen, will never again be boxed in by a marital measuring rod. Me is who God designed me to be - with healthy boundaries, a forward thinking mind, a heart set on God alone as my guide, and passions He has put in me.
I love you, Lord.
I'm alive in YOU, and I find myself in who YOU created me to be.
Come find yourself in God with me. It's a trip worth taking.
Let Him define you.
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