Solitude....Alone...or Lonely? Which is it?

When I consider my goal in writing this blog, ministering to those in the single world after divorce, or separation, I realize I am very short sighted.  Living out one’s life as a single person can come from many other sources as well.

We often think that only when a person is the sole adult in a home is he, or she, single or running a home alone.  But, this is far from the truth.  Being alone can come in many forms. 

I know a precious woman who shows strength that seems to have no bounds.  She serves, loves her grown children and grandbabies, works hard, smiles, prays for others….all the while her sacrifices in life running a home alone go unnoticed.  She is married, not physically alone, not divorced or anywhere near one.  This woman of strength is walking through the steps of single life while married. She runs a home alone. She shops alone. She worships at church alone. She mows the lawn alone. She maintains the property alone. 

This woman, and many like her, is caring for a very ill spouse.  His failing health means he is not a part of her day, or her activities.  Sleep is necessary in very large doses for him.  So, she is quiet, to let him get as much sleep as he needs. His meals are often served in bed to him.  She eats alone in the kitchen or in the bedroom with him. 

For those of us on the outside, we have to open our eyes to the many ways this gal’s life is like that of a single or widowed woman.  She needs encouragement and edification as much as any of us. 

Widowed women have the same heartaches and life changes as any single person.  Running a home and family alone is a powerfully heavy load to bear.  In any form the singleness takes place…..getting freedom from abuse,  a death of a spouse, an ill spouse, a spouse in long term hospital care, divorce, a spouse in the military….for its duration,  the time of bearing the load is one of great need for support.

Those folks married to alcoholics, drug addicts, or gamblers….these each bear much of the load of a home alone.  The addicted spouse is often so disconnected from the home and from reality, that the other spouse is sincerely carrying the weight of life alone. Children are raised by the sober spouse, bills are paid by the non gambling spouse, illnesses are nursed by the non­-addict while the addict hides in his or her drug of choice.  Loneliness inside a home results. 

These times of loneliness have extra pains connected to them.  Truly, they do.  Let’s see them through compassionate lenses.  Let’s not envy their being married when our own lives do not include a spouse.  There are marriage situations where one of the spouses is sincerely alone in hauling the household load.

For all of us walking the ‘road’, I want to look at the idea of being alone.  When we say ‘alone’, we often feel a sense of fear or dread.  And ‘loneliness’ is a painful term to dwell upon, as well.  But, there is a difference. 

We can go grocery shopping with no one with us in the car or helping to push the cart, yet not be lonely.  We are alone, but not lonely.  If we look at that time as time for solitude, or even time for seeing many of the friends we know, we do not have to have the sense of loneliness. 

Solitude can be a treasure for us.  It is time for worship, prayer, reflection, planning, dreaming, and hoping.  There is no fear or dread in any of these activities.  And, frankly, when we belong to the Heavenly Father, we are NEVER alone.  Never. 

When I have spent holidays alone, while the kids are with their father, I have often spent a great deal of the day in prayer, worship with music, writing, resting.  Those days have occasionally smacked me with a bit of pity, but, most often, God has blessed me with the thought of considering solitude as my gift from Him.  It means time with Him.

Please, let me state I do NOT believe in being alone all the time. We NEED fellowship with others. Our mental and emotional health are considerably encouraged by exchanges of laughter, chatting, praying, or serious conversation with other humans – family or friends…or even foes.

So, when you feel an overabundance of alone time to the point of feeling lonely, then please INVEST IN YOURSELF and go to a Bible study, go visit a friend, call a grown child for coffee, go to a knitting club, or chess club….go to church, serve somewhere. Volunteer at a school or nursing home.  God will fill your life with fellowship to minister to lonely places of your heart.

For those of you on the outside looking in to the lives of single friends or family members – look also at the man or woman caring for a sick spouse, who never has romance anymore, or date nights, or dinner at restaurants where dressing up is such a treat.  Consider that person married for companionship and is not experiencing it now.  Loneliness can be painful for these folks just as powerfully as it is for the separated or divorced. 

Oftimes, we must choose singleness for safety, for survival, for health, for children, or for sanity.  Very rarely, will you meet someone who chose the life just so they could have more alone time. More solitude.  Many of us thrive on solitude – we are re-energized by it, readied for facing more adventure in this world.  But, then, we all need to turn from the solitary moments and enter the world of humanity.  It is necessary.

If others cannot quite see us in this world – don’t realize we have pains as we dwell here - then let us each take care of ourselves – invest in ourselves as God’s precious treasures – and seek fellowship opportunities, or times of comfort with others.  

We are worth such investment.  And I know the Father agrees with me…He loves us and gave people to us for our health and edification.  And us to them.

I love you, dear reader….I’m praying for you as I write.

Gayle