Alone by choice….
2011 will be arriving in about one hour and forty minutes. I sit here alone, in my big empty living room, where I usually enjoy the solace of peace and quiet. Serenity of mind and atmosphere is commonly an amazing gift to my soul. But, tonight it is not.
It is New Year’s Eve for gosh sakes. In the past, my family has often hosted party after party for such a night. Many a year, this big room, or other homes we have lived in, has been the chamber of food, fun and fellowship for crowds of up to sixty or more. This year, it sits quietly. With only me in it.
The children are scattered. Older, college aged children are on their way to Atlanta, Georgia, for the Passion 2011 conference. It is a real spiritual energizer to them. I envy their ability to go, to have the money for the tickets, the hotel and the time to go unencumbered by responsibility that holds them at home. My younger children are at their father’s home, partly for the New Year, and mostly because it is his weekend visitation with them. I sent over sparkling grape juice, and made a fun dinner earlier.
Today, I was thinking that I could invite someone over, but I wasn’t sure who. Most people I know are part of a couple, or part of big family here in town. My family is far from me. I can’t just bebop over to a beloved, supportive sister’s house, or to my folks’ home. Too many miles. And some friends are not quite sure what to do with me yet. I still have company over for dinner, whole families, but the invitations are only returned rarely. I have no man for a husband to visit with, so I just consume the time of the wife if I visit. Oh, well.
I am alone by choice. I took steps to create a legal separation between my former husband and myself. I am not his wife, but I am not free to be anyone else’s wife either. I am divorced in every way legally, except in freedom to remarry. So, when I have no one to kiss me at midnight to welcome the new year with passion, I have only my own choice to blame. But, in angst and great frustration, I wail, “Did I really have a choice?”
This makes me wonder how many other people are alone tonight. And why.
It seems that there are many divorced or single adults in Michigan alone, not giving any thought to the rest of the globe. As a woman sitting home tonight, I would love to be laughing with a group of friends, or as part of a couple with a gentleman. The sensation of a midnight kiss, or a hand in my own would be breathtaking.
When others are alone, do they enjoy being alone? There are those in this world, who truly have no desire to be inconvenienced by being part of a couple or a family. A person such as this likes to come and go as he or she pleases, keep a home as wanted with messiness or neat-freakness in just the right amounts, and only be bothered when it is convenient. I know people like this. Many were spoiled as a young person is something I have realized when I hear their life stories. They never did get used to sharing a home, routines, the work of children, and most especially their time and attention. Considering the feelings of another being was just too much work. So, aloneness is preferred until these types of people want some fellowship. Then they let someone in, or they step into another’s world for a night or two.
Sometimes, I observe a person alone and long to know if he or she is pining away for a lost love. Will they not let another person into their lives, someone of the opposite sex, because they truly long for the love they lost? The one that forced aloneness upon them? Will they pine until the day they die? Always longing to return to the lost love, being wanted by the single person on earth and letting not one other person fill their heart? There is great honor shown in such dedication, yet such sadness and loss when another desires to love them so completely. If that longing heart would only open to another.
Then, there are others who are alone, not pining for a lost love, not yearning for someone unattainable, but longing nonetheless. Humans were not created for oneness; unless it is the oneness created by the unity of two hearts merging into one with a single purpose. Oddity is how I would describe someone who has no longing at all to be connected to the opposite sex for companionship, love, sensuality, friendship and wholeness. The human heart seems to be specifically formed for such connections. Specifically. It is a powerful longing.
The last aloneness I think of as I consider the plight, is the one that exists in the human heart who knows longing and desire for connection to another soul and it dwells in the physical reality of being alone, yet, that heart lives in a partnership that fulfills its every desire. That heart is the one in union with the Beloved, Christ Jesus; living as a soul so satisfied in Him that whether alone or in a crowd, it is in pleasant company. It is this heart most at peace. This is the heart that feels no sting or pang when the nation celebrates a Hallmark holiday or a traditional event while it is singly at home, enjoying the solace of solitude. This is the soul that knows fellowship and love of a deep variety, love that touches the core, the marrow, the life flow. Aloneness of this level is not easily attained; it usually comes at great cost to its bearer. Yet, from what I understand, the cost is worth every moment of the learning.
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