August 10,2011
Praise God for strengthening weak knees…He did it for the Psalmists and He has done it for me.
Today, I felt as though my knees and my very heart might collapse. The pressures of change, making big decisions alone, and doing too many of them all at once, weighed down heavily. So heavily that my chest ached with pressure and difficulty taking deep breaths. Sitting calmly at my desk, just praying silently, was all I could do for any relief and stillness. School choices, figuring out the school routine, two part time jobs, listing the house today, people not agreeing with my choices and letting me know of my ‘mistakes’ for the children – all these things were pressing in on my mind. Breathing was a difficult task….breathe in, breathe out, move forward, Gayle.
The realtor came…a great guy named Spencer Geisen…’Pep’ is his nickname. He was here over three hours. But, a good deal of that time, he spent in giving advice, or insight, for my choices about selling, renting, buying, moving towards places where goals could be met. What a Godsend this man was to me today. A fantastic gentleman I’ve met, Mike Larson, recommended some of the same ideas….and God confirmed the ideas today. As Pep spoke, I felt my shoulders relax….I have options. I do not have to make major decisions right now. Veering off the course, say by renting for before settling on buying, is not a sin or a set in stone choice. Yay, God for letting me off the hook for a bit.
So, if my house sells, I am thinking on renting close to my current work and school for kids. But, as I look for higher paying work, I can consider other areas, and just move to one of those later. Wow…how simple a decision, yet how profound for an overloaded mind like my own.
During the process of becoming single, after 28 years of marriage, I realized there were many facets of the single life that I could not have imagined ahead of time. Making decisions all alone is one of those. I have sole legal and sole physical custody of my children. I’ve been doing hard work alone for many years. But, making all decisions alone is scary, overwhelming, and a good deal of pressure. Bills, choosing insurance companies, selling a house and for how much, choosing a school over homeschooling, looking for work, where do we move, buying a vehicle, needing a repair man or buy a new gadget, involving kids in sports, discipline, dating kids, can I date again, choosing a new church, etc. etc. Not one of those is a life threatening choice, but all done together; they create quite a level of toxicity for the mind.
No one prepared me for the new level of loneliness that singleness brings. I was alone so much, even with my former spouse in the home. Any individual from a broken marriage knows the loneliness that can occur in the home, even in your own bed, when you live with a stranger, or an abuser. But, there is something different about being the only adult in a home, the only parent, with all the weight of choice on your shoulders. Gads…the weight is titanic at times.
After many years of a painful marriage, being alone has a great sense of relief in it. But, there are many nights I would love to go to bed, lay on a husband’s chest and discuss the day, the choices to be made….’should we put the kids in school?’, ‘should we check into cheaper insurance, or stick with our old faithful company?’….then snuggle and discuss as we fall asleep. I long for that. That kind of being alone is lonely.
Yet, as I sit here thinking about my longing for such times, I have just become humbly aware that God met my need today. He knew I needed a sounding board, a listening ear, a word of counsel. He sent it. God used Mike and Pep to guide me, to clear up confusing considerations in my mind. Is God astounding, or what!!!
I felt so undone today by a mind full of too much thinking, too much to consider for making decisions. God knew this. I told Him I could not do it alone. And in a simple real estate appointment, God sent a voice. Counsel.
Wow, God. You are fabulous. Your love is sincerely amazing towards me, isn’t it?
Psalm 94:19, I think is the address of the verse, says, “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, but the pleasantness of one’s friends springs from their earnest counsel.”
God sent counsel and pleasantness to my soul today, to calm my yearnings to not face decision making alone.
He is still always Good. And always God.
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