As a writer, I notice the composition style and mannerisms of other writers whether they be on a blog, a magazine article, a news clipping, or a Facebook post. It sounds awful of me, but I notice grammatical errors, spelling faux pas, and poor word choices. More than these, though, I notice when someone authors a piece with a specific agenda in mind; a targeted audience of many or just one.
There are times that a topic must be addressed in writing, and an agenda is in the forefront of the writer's mind. Topical essays, letters to the editor, magazine articles - each has very appropriate times when an agenda is the purpose of the composition. Appropriate is a key word there. Ofttimes, when a person speaks or writes with an agenda in mind, it is done with a titch of cynicism, with a goal of 'making a kill' to a particular person, club, or group. This always gives me a discomforting feeling, as though somewhere down the pike, some grace went missing.
I've hoped and purposed as I've written this blog to NOT be agenda minded, to NOT try to score any points against anyone in my life. Being gracious and classy is more important to me. Really.
But, today, I might slip a bit. My heart and mind have been aching too much to not speak of a topic that concerns me and hurts me. The topic is gossip.
I am not sure what makes people desire to be unkind in their speech. Or what makes people need to find out information that is absolutely not one shred of their business. There is a complete awareness on my part that I am not the first, nor will I be the last - what a shame - divorcing or maritally battling person to be discussed in whispers or rooms where I am not present. If someone really and sincerely wants to know something about my life, should they not ask ME instead of a neighbor, distant family member, fellow church member?
People going through divorce, separation, or marital strife are truly stressed. Usually, if a couple gets to the point of separating or divorce, the marriage has gone beyond basic agitating behaviors or personality clashes. Would it not be better to sincerely pray for those people, have compassion, than to sit and discuss them in your front parlor or the women's bathroom at church?
Father, please forgive me for this sin if it has been in my past. Please bring it to mind if I have done this. I want to make it right with anyone I've hurt.
Single people - by choice or by forced action on them - are going through hell and high water. To add hurt to their already stressed days by speaking unkindly of them, questioning their decisions and actions and activities - what is the purpose or value of such deeds by you? Ask yourself this the next time a name comes to the tip of your tongue and you want to speak harshly, judge critically, or make a sweeping assessment of the life of that person. Should you keep talking, or stop mid-sentence and ask for self control?
If you are sincerely concerned and not just curious about a single person's life, then ask them with genuine, authentic compassion. Pray for them. Hug them. Listen to them. Do NOT take what they tell you and use it for morsels of sweetness to feed to another person where those words will turn sour in their soul. Protect your single friend; protect your family member going through tough times.
If you have NOT walked in the shoes of a single person or single parent, then you have no idea about the reasons WHY they make household or parenting decisions they must make for pure survival, financial risk, or household peace and sanity. If you have NOT tried to parent, work, maintain a car and home, keep a pantry full, a school schedule covered, children disciplined and getting along, pay bills, look for better work, sell your house, go to school...all without the aid of a good spouse, then please do NOT think you might have better ideas for the single person.
If you have prayed for them and the heavenly Father gives you a creative solution to a household issue, repair, finance problem, then please share it with them. The opposite of this true help is to discuss with other people the problem you see in the home, how you think the single friend is missing the boat, how you have a much better solution and how you would never make that same mistake. Oh, how the Father in heaven has humbled me from such pedestals of pride in my own life. When I was a young mother, I was sure my children would NEVER do what other bratty kids did. NO way. I had better methods of mothering. When I watched other husbands and wives lose their way, I was sure that would never be me, I had the Holy Spirit, I would always be strong and could always make things work with enough spirituality in my life.
How wrong I was on both counts. I can sincerely say I am thankful for the merciful humbling God has brought to me. He has not been harsh with me as He's shown me just how ugly my heart was in its critical state. My gratefulness for the love He's filled me with is overflowing....really. I can say that with honesty, even though crap still happens.
This post is more harsh in nature than my usual writing. It is focused at some personal pains of late, words I've heard cast at my reputation, my name, my activities....but never to my face, just the 'she said, she heard that you such and such'. Oh, really. SHE never asked me. SHE or HE never talked to me about any of this.
I have asked God to convict my heart when I hurt others this way. Please, Father, keep me from harming people. It is so hurtful. Even though we are told that what others think of us is not our business; or don't worry what others think of you - having your name and character and choices and activities judged, critiqued, and discussed is not an easy flaming arrow to douse.
Taking thoughts captive is what I always pray to do if I hear bad things about myself. But that takes energy, prayer and an attitude of forgiveness. Truthfully, if it wasn't happening, the energy would be spared for more substantial issues in life.
Spare your friends and family this energy robbing mental battle. Shape your speech with compassion and genuine care directed AT your single friend. Don't let your words about them travel through the air to ears that need NOT hear them. Speak only to your stressed and busy friend, and when you do, have the goal of love from a pure heart, like Paul did when he instructed his followers.
I love you friends, I want NO distance, no hurts in the air. I am positive your other friends do not either. Love with your words.
Love you truly, Gayle
