Be Careful How Adultery is Tossed About

While studying Proverbs 6 this morning, I was struck by quite a few things.  Let me see if I can gather all my thoughts into some cohesive ideas here now.

Verses 16-19 list seven things that are an abomination to the LORD Yahweh.  This list includes the following:  haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises evil plans, feet that dash towards evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers, or family. 

Wow.  I don’t think I need to even set about to discuss any definition of those.  Self-explanatory.

Now, right after these four verses hails a long discourse on adulterous activities, the damaged caused by them, and the foolishness of being lured by someone with an adulterous heart. 

Bear with me as I configure this in my mind IN CONTEXT of how it is written.  It has been my practice the past many years to make sure I look at Scripture in context, looking at all surrounding teachings, cultural ideas presented, audience, etc.  For too long did I take a few verses, form an opinion I was sure matched God’s, developed a theology, or a philosophy all with those verses clipped away from any other words around them.  It causes me terrific grief to think I may have lead someone astray from truth when I dogmatically shared some teaching from scripture using my method of extracting verses from their context.  Even worse to me is the knowledge that I was so critical in my spirit of other believers who didn’t tow the line according to my understanding of a particular teaching of scripture; a lesson I assumed was the correct version since it was certainly from the Word of God, notwithstanding that it might not include the actual context of the teaching.  Ugh.  I grieve at this.

Proverbs 6 and 7 are full of wisdom teaching.  Prior to the list of abhorrent sins before God are many verses on life’s need for good decision making; lending money, signing for loans, laziness, hard work ethic, unethical speech, and so on.  Right before the ‘List’, I will call it, are verses about a person who is worthless, wicked – all because he speaks unrighteous speech, accuses others of sins that he is the one actually committing, continuously sows discord, and regularly plans evil works.  Calamity will eventually come upon such a person that will cause brokenness for him. 

The deal with this type of person, AND with all the sins listed here that make the Father feel abhorrence, is that he or she hurts people terribly.  Families, communities, businesses, church groups, neighborhoods, classrooms, social clubs, Bible studies, long standing relationships – all are damaged or destroyed by the person who is actively doing the sins in verses 16 through 19, or is like the man in verses 12 through 15, the one in the paragraph above this one.  This person lies, connives, disturbs, is aggressively damaging other people – former spouses, sisters, brothers, parents, bosses, children, coworkers – the relationship kinds are endless that are ruined by such people and their sin.  Activity such as these listed create the effect of a large stone tossed into a still pond, making ripples that spread across the entire surface and diameter of the water’s limits. 

Back to the end of chapter 6 and most all of chapter 7.  This portion of the passage counsels against the activity of adultery.  The reason this study captivated me today is that the word adultery is thrown about so freely in the church, among believers.  It is cast out so often that shirts with big, glittery letter As should be sold at churches and courthouses for believers who get divorced or remarried. 

We must be so careful how we define adultery here.  WE must understand context, culture, law of Moses, words of Jesus – all teachings – before we develop our convictions. And remember, a conviction isn’t just your opinion or idea.  It is a well-studied, thought out belief with foundations that have roots in multiple sources of information that is sound and accurate.  Taking a few verses, reading them, then declaring a conviction is not a wise method of forming your belief system. 

This Proverbs teaching on adultery is not referring to divorce or remarriage, though it has been used often to accompany other Old Testament teachings, and New Testament ones.  This passage is not wisely used for that study. 

Let me cut in here to say that I am discussing the idea of adultery as cast out against people like me, who went through horrendous pain in their marriage, then endured a ugly or traumatic divorce, THEN dated and remarried to have a partner in life, and a  healthy relationship with a spouse.  This passage does not apply to folks like me. 

Proverbs 6 and 7 are discussing adultery, na’aph transliterated from Hebrew, sexual relations with someone currently married to another.  These passages are talking about going in to sleep with someone while that person’s spouse is not home.  This is a woman who woos a man because her heart is evil, not loyal to her husband, lascivious, sexually immoral, and not a person walking out her faith in the eternal God and his spirit in her.  Or it is a man, who is married and has a wife at home, but he steals away to a hotel room with his secretary after seducing her with compliments all morning. 

This large section of verses is detailing activity that is carried out by persons who are already not good of heart or spiritual health.  They are NOT discussing the woman who is divorced, free from an unhealthy or frightening marital situation who remarries a man who accepts her children and her life as his own.  Much damage is done to the people of Jesus and all of  humanity when such passages of scripture are used to beat down women and men who have sought to remarry after a horribly many years of traumatic marriage.  But, countless times have I heard or seen passages like these used to teach against remarriage as adultery. 

I am not addressing a full discourse on divorce and remarriage here.  Books by the thousands address that study and social issue.  Here, I am pointing out that Proverbs 6 and 7 should NOT be used as foundational teaching passages for your belief on divorce and remarriage.  They are not in that context.

There is that word again, context.  Let me slip back into the entire passage here, and not just the verses on adultery.  I hope my point is made on that topic.  As I consider the sins listed here, the ‘not adultery’ ones, I am struck that these sins do far more damage to the entire globe than divorce ever could.  Yes, divorce, remarriage, and true adultery as listed here, create pains that are heartbreaking.  But, quite frankly, many divorces and remarriages would never occur if the sins that God abhors didn’t take place so pervasively. 

How many times do you hear whispers about someone getting divorced, someone left his or her spouse, the divorcing person made out to be so cold hearted to leave the marriage.  But, has anyone confronted the one in the marriage who was a finger pointer, the one who devised evil, the husband who trashed his wife and threw her under the bus far too many times, the wife who gripes and causes constant strife in the home, the spouse with a mouth that uses words that kill his or her spouse’s spirit over and over again so that there is no chance of life left in a being? 

When we discuss divorce and remarriage in the context of adultery, we must be careful which scripture we use as our conviction bearer.  Dare I also say that when reconciling all Scripture to develop our belief system on issues bearing down on the Church, we must also consider such passages as Proverbs 6:16-19 as part of our understanding of what and who causes great damage to people, relationships, marriages, churches, businesses, communities, families, etc. by behaviors that God abhors.  Divorce and remarriage seem to be focal point topics amongst churches and Christians as ‘key’ determinates of the liberalism in your soul depending on which stand you take.  They are the words tossed about as family destroyers, as the key things God hates.  But, I beg to differ with that idea.

The sins of Proverbs 6:16-19 destroy.  They kill.  They rob. They devastate far more than divorce or remarriage.

Believe me, I know.

Can You Trust Again? It Takes Work and Hard Choices

Can you trust again after having been lied to over and over again in a past relationship?  Can you rest in promises made?  Can you believe the words spoken to you, and rest in the heart of the one speaking them to you because you know he or she is worthy of your trust and will not lie to you like others have done before?

It is hard work to make the choices to say 'yes' to the questions above.  Lied to once and trust is broken. Lied to often and trust is destroyed.  Your mind is determined to protect you, to keep you from being screwed over again, betrayed again, made a fool of again.

I'm not talking about being lied to so a gift is kept secret; or plans for date night are kept quiet.  I'm not even talking about the 'lie' that says, "Yes, thank you for that great gift, it was so kind of you to do that for me," when in reality you hate that olive green sweater knitted for you by Grandma Joe.

Lies that cover clandestine activities, communications, behaviors that would harm your relationship or your heart are the lies of which I speak. These are the ones that do the lasting damage. The damage that means healing will be required along with forgiveness.

Sometimes, and this is hard to write, it is just best to admit that feelings towards another person have come into a relationship; or confess, the action done that will hurt and will cause a huge fight, than to let it go months and months and finally admit you have been lying all along.  Ask anyone who discovers an affair that has gone on for months, or an addiction that has gone on for years - they will tell you they wish they had known from the beginning.  Let there be a huge argument at the outset, let there be a major upset because of disappointment and heartache.  It will never match the  one that will come when long term lying is exposed.

And do not blame someone else for your lie nor accept responsibility for another's deceit.  How often have you heard, "I knew you'd react like that, so I didn't tell you!!  You get out of control, so I didn't tell you.  You always blow up, so I wasn't going to tell you." 

Yeah. The lie is your fault because you would get upset. Hmmm....as if the deed done wasn't worth hurting over, either. You are the reason the other person HAD to lie. In the liar's mind, the lie was so necessary, he or she stops even believing a lie was even told. And you feel guilty somehow for being such a weak person that another had to lie to you in order to be in relationship with you.  Yep.  Been there. Done that. 

Have you?

Lies about deeds aren't the only ones that destroy relationships.  The other kind are the ones you are told over and over again that condition your thinking. "You are so stupid," "No one can stand to be around you," "All your friends have told me what they really think of you, and they agree with me that you are ridiculous," "You are ruining the kids. They will be mentally and emotionally destroyed because of you," "God can't love you because you are so messed up."

Sometimes, truth is hard to find when lies come at you so regularly.  You begin to agree with the lies.  You begin to be controlled by them. This is the longing of the liar.  To control you.  To condition you.  To make you the guilty party.  To make the lie your fault.  To isolate you from friends and family that you need in your life. To keep you in fear.

Digging out of the pit, and it is a deep one, is hard work.

Thinking on truth can be a herculean task.  Getting the liar out of your life may be the first humongous, earth shattering work you must do.  I won't even discuss here the work of changing a relationship, divorcing, moving away from a dangerously unhealthy person in your life; that article could literally be a book, would completely enforce the idea of getting wise counsel for a very long time to help you through the work of that, and is a long term effort for sure.

What I want to focus on is the immediate task of making a hard choice to trust. 

First, trust yourself.  Trust God's word about you.  When it comes to those lies about your character, your value, your quality - the truth has to become a focus for you or you will not thrive.  If you need to find a good counselor, do so.  If you need to post notes about you around the house, on mirrors, in books, on the refrigerator to remind you of your value, then do it.  You are worthy of the blood of Christ being spilled for YOU; you are created in the image of God, being changed, daily, into the impress of Jesus - you are incredible.  Believe such truths, not the lies that have filled your thinking for too long.

Now, the other trust...of people.  Of a new love. That is a whole other level of moving onward and upward in your healing work.  Believe me, I know.

Give yourself time before moving into a romantic relationship.  Build strong friendships, get counseling, get to know the new, stronger you.  Do not let the acceptance or attention of another love be the source of your healing and strength.  These are some quick, basic statements, but powerfully needed ones.  Reread this paragraph if you must; but believe the words, think deeply on them and take them to heart.  They are vital bits of advice to be received and practiced before entering a relationship where trust will be required.

Breathe.  Breathe.  Enter a new relationship slowly.  Know you will be challenged to accept the words of your new 'interest' as faithful ones.  You will need to be aware of choosing a mate of strong, godly character; one of virtue and morality who values faithfulness even in a relationship where you end up as merely platonic friends.  If you are thinking soundly, even romances that don't 'work out' will remain good relationships for you because the people were healthy, quality ones who will become good friends to you over the years, and you to them.

An important action I have had to learn in my own life and new marriage, is not to project my fear onto my husband.  It is necessary in a new relationship to share, "Hey, I hate to admit this, but I am feeling anxious, scared you will just disappear on me.  You have done nothing to perpetuate this sensation - your deeds give me no reason for alarm - but inside of me is the pattern of thought that is making me nutso right now."

Yep, sometimes you just have to admit such ridiculous sounding, but very real thinking.  Notice I said 'real thinking' not truthful thinking.  You may have these thoughts, but that does not make them truth for your relationship, currently.

See, being honest about your own feelings, is different than making an accusation against your new relationship partner.   Telling him or her you are anxious is VERY different than projecting on to them a deed they have NOT committed, making them feel a need to defend themselves when they have done nothing.  This is NOT healthy for relationships.  Believe me, I know.

I hate to admit that, but I know from experience.  Ugh.

One of the reasons I suggest getting counseling, or finding good strong friends, especially if your life of lies lead you to be isolated from others, is because you need to know you are not alone.  A life of lies filling your head is usually full of such beliefs as 'you are all alone', 'no one cares', 'no one else is as pitiful as you'.  Bull Caca!

You are worthy of friends, you can have people who care.  This is important for you to know and to do - get into friendships - so that as you enter a new romantic relationship, you can know you will have support should you face pain again.  You must know you have support when you are walking with a new mindset of trust.  It is scary territory when you have been wounded by lies for a long period of time.  Stepping out, taking actions of trust, is far less frightening when you are assured of strong friends or counsel should you face any setbacks, whether they be setbacks in your own emotional health, or even another relational blow if you happen to meet up with a new 'lying loser'. 

Choose to trust.  Getting hurt  -  well, it hurts.  But, good relationships are worth the work, the healing,  and the energy they bring to life.  Just remember, YOU must get some strength first.  You must learn to TRUST yourself and your own instincts about what is healthy for you, who is healthy for you - and what and who are NOT.

My prayers are truly consistent, as I write, for the folks who will read these posts.  I so long for others to know healing, growth, and newness in life.  God does, indeed, want us to prosper in life - and I do NOT mean house, land, and the lottery. I mean, He does long for us to walk in peace, truth, wholeness.  These are the most vital of prosperous gains.

My love to you, friends. 
Gayle

Trusting God Under Accusation

Wow.  Moving forward in a healthy manner has been a goal of mine for a long while now.  Separating from my former spouse four years ago in November was a step in life I never planned, but worked itself into my life story through circumstances too intense in detail to recap here.  Since that time, I have read books, prayed, counseled, gone to court, and gone head to head with yuckola to just move on. To take the next step. To get healthy.  To be strong. 

But, even after almost four years, yuckola still comes to thwart me in my goal of sane living.  No kidding.  Just yesterday, I received a letter from someone exerting their opinion, will, and judgment into my life.  Please understand, this letter was from no one who holds authority, love, connection, care, counsel, or regular communication in my sphere of living.  Even so, the letter was no surprise.  This kind of person just needs to write those kinds of letters. 

Though I know these letters should be laughed at at this stage of my life, they are still joy robbing.  They make me aware of just how unpleasant life has been in the past, how people can be cruel when you aren't even expecting a shot from anywhere.  So, the letter I received left me feeling like a bus had driven by and splashed mud on me as I stood at the bus stop.  Yuck. 

When will this insanity stop. 

I bet you ask yourself that question sometimes, don't you. You find yourself in circumstances that just seem loooooong, unending, requiring endurance you aren't quite sure you possess.  Or endurance you want to expend on such unnecessary interference in your life.  You mind your own business, go about your life, and,"BAM!", someone thinks they need to toss a stink bomb on your path.  Dang.

This post isn't about the stink bombs.  It isn't even about the strife stirring people in your life.  It is about God's fabulous goodness in it all.

Facebook is this era's communication power.  I am under the assumption it began as a computer site for students, or young folks, to keep in touch. But it has evolved into the world's connecting spot.  Business, school, musical groups, authors, friends, family....home to home, city to city, state to state, country to country, it has erupted into a fabulous tool for touching lives..be they close knit kin, or mere strangers with a common interest.  It is Facebook that God used to remind me of some truth.

Thank you to my Facebook friends who posted some great truths to point me northward in my thinking when dealing with ugly accusations written in ugly letters. 

Phillipians 4 tells us, when we are stressed, to think on that which is true, lovely, of good report, of value, and praiseworthy.  God used Facebook to bring me to such a place of thinking.  Here is the first writing put before me that spoke to my heart in the places the Enemy was working to discourage:

You might feel like your testimony has been stripped away but God is still unfolding your life story. Don't let the enemy convince you that you don't have a message to share.

Wow, isn't that fabulous truth.  No, there is no chapter and verse to post with it, but it is powerfully true from a scriptural perspective. God works in brokenness, loss, woundedness, suffering, persecution, and accusation.  He does NOT turn his ear or eye away from those who are seeking Him, from those longing for Him from a heart that is sincere and pure in its motives.  He is at work in you until the day of Jesus Christ. 

If you have suffered a divorce, slanderous gossip from folks who do NOT know your whole story, destructive acts against you from those bent on your absolute misery, then you know the discouragement that can be heaped upon you as you wonder if God could be at work, if He could possibly ever use you in His kingdom work, if you truly have any purpose before Him.  Yes, you do. 

I do not speak for God.  I am not one to think my opinions are God's opinions.  But, truth is truth.  God's word speaks over and over of His work in broken lives, changed plans, lost dreams.  Thwarted plans of man are often used by God for His glory.  It is the design of Satan himself, the father of lies, the murderous spirit, to steal your hope in God's work in you.  To kill your enduring spirit as you wait upon God for vindication, for His vengeance on foes, and for Him to work out His ways in you. 

God is putting His message in you as you trust in Him.  Mark those words, "..as you trust in him...".   I'm not saying that just because you have heartache or people gossiping about you, you have a message or story to tell.  We could all tell our stories.  Every human has a story.  It is a message you want to be worked out in you. A message from your life that brings glory to God as you wait on him, respond as Jesus would, trust and wait upon God as he very slowly and patiently carries out the details of your life. 

You want a message, not just a story.  You want the work of God in you to be left with people after you walk away.  And it will be.  It will be.  No one can steal from you what God is doing.  It is the enemy who makes you think your message is gone, destroyed, worthless.  It is a lie.  Don't fall for it.  Don't let the letters, facebook posts, emails, anonymous messages, etc. convince you that your loss, your broken dream, your forgiven sin, your hard choices, or your quiet actions mean you have nothing to offer God, nothing He can use.

Don't do it.

And remember this second Facebook truth: 

 I am in no competition to be better than anyone else.  I need not play a game that pressures me to be like anyone else.  I am merely trying to be better than the person I was yesterday.

Wow.  Yes.  Just focus on bettering the me God is doing His work in daily.  I am no one else.  I need not compete to be like anyone else.  I need not look at anyone with envy, with fear of being undone or outdone, or with complete inadequacy. 

I am the workmanship of the creator of the universe.  The one who named the stars, put mountains in place, and told animals when to birth their young, everytime, at the same intervals. That organized, powerful, beauty loving God is my author, designer, and maker. 

The enemy of creation tells us to look about and feel inadequate.  Look around and fear that you will never measure up..for God or anyone else for that matter.  Remember it is him, satan.

Stand strong against him. And it does take strength.  He is a relentless thief.  A deviant liar.   He robs of joy in such damaging ways.  It is a heart of endurance that is needed to face him. But, remember who gives you that longsuffering soul, the internal spirit of fortitude.  Your Father in heaven, your creator. The author and finisher of your faith.

Thank you, Father, for speaking to my heart, to our hearts, from such simple places as computer websites. You can use anything you want to transform our hearts, to refocus our minds, and energize our spirits.  You are mighty. Thank you for friends who share words of wisdom and hope.  You are so worthy of honor, Lord. We love you.  I love you.

And I love you, Friends, as we walk through trials together.  Press on.

Gayle

New Reality....Live In It

     Old dogs must, indeed, learn new tricks.  Let's see, if I am to refer to myself in this post as an old dog, I think I want to be a Yorkie, or a PomPoo, ooh, or a Pomsky...something cute, froofroo, soft, tiny, snuggable, lovable, and kissable.  Either that or a beautiful chocolate lab.  If I have to learn new 'tricks' for growth, survival, health, and renewal, I want to do so in as adorable a suit of myself as I possibly can.  
     
     The new tricks. What are they?  I'm just learning some  of them, and I am by no means a great magician.  I'd like to perform new tricks with the same aplomb as David Copperfield, but, alas, I think I most likely appear with the grace that Archie Bunker might display as he tries to slice a woman in half, or swallow a flaming torch.  Get the picture.  Yep. 
     
     On to the tricks. What are they?  The one I'm learning now is this:  live in the new reality.  Ta da.  Five simple words.  But the will power and endurance needed for it is in the realm of supernatural some days.   Those of you who have been single or widowed after enduring much suffering and pain, much violation of your soul, and destruction of your self worth, value, and belief in yourself, know that past reality very easily meanders into your current life or relationship.  Your entire being.....heart, skin, mind, stomach, lungs...respond to daily situations in today's reality as though they will produce the same pain, stress, fear, and trauma of yesterday's, yestermonth's, yesteryear's.  Every broken relationship produces pain.  I completely acquiesce to that truth. And it is truth.  But, not all broken relationships, or divorces, or reasons for singlehood, have included the words that destroy, the onslaught of a voice daily telling you of your ugliness of soul, the waste you are of breath, the mess you make of others' lives.  After many years of words like these, the soul has been shaped by them.  Worthlessness, ugliness, gracelessness - these are reality to you.
     
     This is the reality I speak of when I say you must live in a new one.  You may not realize the need is within you until you are in a new relationship or married again, as I am.  When you are told you are beautiful, you wince, sure that those words are a lie or that they are spoken merely to get you to do some deed wanted by the speaker.  When you meet your spouse's old friend of the opposite sex, you are sure that person will be included in some joke about you by your spouse just to put you on the spot.  When an argument about any silly old topic arises, your immediate thoughts jump to the old truth that you will not be listened to, respected, heard, cared for - and just as badly, you will be mocked, laughed at, have eyes rolled at you, belittled, told of how awful your character tends to be, and how much you need to get your spiritual self in order.  
Breathe. Breathe.  Just thinking of these things makes my heart start to race.  

     When the intense sensation of stress or pain arises in these situations, I must stop and think.  What is happening in this very moment?  Why do I feel the way I do?  This person is NOT attacking me as I am accustomed to being attacked?  But, my heart is pounding; I want to run: I want to put my dukes up and be ready for a fight of the most intense emotional brawl type.  Wait.  No.  Breathe. Do NOT push the feeling away.  What is it?  What is its source?  Am I being hurt now or does this conversation or event just bring memories right up to my hair follicles?  Breathe. Do NOT blame your partner or friend.  Feel the feeling, but do not act upon it.  Recognize it for what it is:  your past reality.  Cry. Pray.  Breathe. Journal.  Accept it is a truth you lived.  You live it no longer now that you are free from that past.  

     Please know I am NOT saying this is an easy set of steps.  It is beyond wrong, even biblically wrong, to just tell someone to get over something, to just move on.  Weeping happens.  Mourning happens.  Facing fear and dealing with it must happen.  Saying to just move on is not compassionate and unwise.  Being disgusted with yourself is not wise either.  Validate the truth that you are a person in the long process of healing.  Impatience with that only makes it much worse.  I am also NOT advocating sitting in a slough of despondency.   But take time to face the feelings, account for them, mourn in them, call them what they are - anger, fear, betrayal pain, lied to over and over again pain - ask yourself what these feelings are doing; say they are real; ask yourself what you are going to do with the feelings; make a decision on what you will do and how you will face them each time they arise.  

     Taking your thoughts captive requires a great strength of mind and heart.  I know that if you are mentally, spiritually, and emotionally weary and worn, that strength seems beyond your grasp.  Find a patient, trusted friend who will always speak truth to you and remind you of your new reality.  Tell them you know it is difficult to keep helping you, that you do NOT intend to stay in this place or to manipulate attention from it, but let them know you need their counsel to guide you to the path of your new, true reality.  Until you are strong, this might be your best source of healing.  

     Reminding yourself each time pain leaps out at you, when you are least expecting, or wanting it, will come more and more quickly as you strengthen your inner self, your sense of value, and your definition of yourself as a loved, lovable, and precious human being.  Be patient with yourself, even if others are not.  I know I don't NEED to say it again, but I'm going to: this is not free license to swim in pity pools.  It is a gift of relief from guilt that you hurt, that panic attacks arise when you never want them to because you feel the old reality is present with you now.  You are working towards the time when these things will happen so rarely you almost chuckle at them.  It just isn't time yet.  That is okay.  Don't let anyone tell you you must be there.  You are not a toy.  You are not play dough easily shaped at a whim.  You are a human soul in the healing forge.

     Don't be afraid to do the work of this process.  An old dog leaning a new trick requires  patience from his master.  Let's give ourselves, and those we love, that same gift.  And remember, as you recognize your NEW reality, see your new partner, husband, or friends in that same new light. They are not part of your old reality, either.  Don't hold them captive to it anymore than you want to be.  

      Woof, woof.  I love you, Friends.

Gayle