More Ways to Grow During Divorce

Growth Through Divorce, Jim Smoke's book, offers more simple tidbits for healthy movement forward as you go through a divorce or separation.  As I write, I am doing so from the perspective that the divorce is inevitable, has happened already, and working towards reconciliation is not a goal, healthy, or even desired.  That sounds harsh to even type those words, but it is an acceptance of reality.  If you have walked in my shoes, then you understand this reality.

After the simplistic directive to deal with your divorce and all the very drastic life changes accompanying it one day at a time, comes the next piece of advice from Mr. Smoke. Again, I'll not plagiarize his writing, but share with you what I glean from it.

While giving yourself mercy and grace to heal, to move forward and live one day at a time, a step you can take to help this process is to make a very clean break from your former spouse.  When time has passed and you are able to fellowship around your spouse without an emotional reaction of some sort, then you will have more times of being around him or her. But, until that time comes, it is best to establish a very clear set of boundaries and stick to them.

This will include:

Follow visitation schedules to the 'letter of the law' set up through the friend of the court.  If you are in need of some alterations, try to make those calmly with your ex spouse, but if not, stick right to the written schedule, or let the court decide.  In my own case, I really felt it best to let the children see their father as often as possible, coming and going to his home as often as they desired since he'd moved in next door to us.  But, over the months, I realized this lack of clear boundaries and time schedules really created chaos and uncertainty for the kids and for their dad.  The children were never quite sure when they were supposed to stay with daddy and when they could come home.  Very sure boundaries are a guide for all and healthy for everyone's mental state.

Keep clarity about holidays and birthdays.  However your schedule for these things was set up at the time of the custody hearings, follow it.  This will spare you of unnecessary emotional upheaval at unexpected plans or kinks thrown into the gears.

There is no need to go inside or have your spouse come in when dropping off or picking up children for visitation.  When he or she comes to the door, that is where they should stay until the children are ready. Do not ask if a drink or snack is needed, just let the time be spent discussing any needs of the children's visitation time.  This will keep emotional turmoil to a low level.

If an issue over the children or support arises, discuss it calmly. If you cannot, let your ex spouse know it is not a good time to chat, you will pray about it and you can talk again at such and such time on such and such day. Set clear timelines and boundaries. letting him or her know you do indeed plan to continue the conversation; but, will only do so when you feel best prepared to make a sound decision.

This is a hard one, but try to do it for your own emotional health and for being able to move on.  If you get letters from an ex spouse or his family, do not read them.  Give them to a trusted counselor or friend to see if there is anything that needs to be addressed such as a support or visitation issue, but otherwise, don't be curious.  In our emotional growth and maturity during this process, we need to take on the mindset of famous movie stars who REFUSE to read tabloids about themselves.  These folks won't read the National Inquirer, or the critic's columns on their latest movies.  This spares their mind and emotions from battles and lost nights of sleep.  LET'S COPY THEM!!!  Besides being handsome, Brad Pitt is smart on this advice.

Don't be curious about what others think of you.  The folks in your life that are healthy and of value have already affirmed to you what they think. The rest, those who dog you and slander you, are truly messengers of the Enemy to discourage, malign, and steal your peace.  Let their thoughts be like chaff in the wind at harvest time.  You'll be more whole of mind because of it.  They shall give an account for every word spoken; especially those spoken with evil intent.  So, don't be curious over their invectives.  Curiosity killed the cat.  It'll kill your spirit, too. 

The other form of curiosity that will get you is the kind that makes you wonder what your spouse is up to in life.  If you've been betrayed, or hurt, or rejected by a former spouse, it is easy to always wonder about that spouse's activity and if he or she is setting you up again for some kind of hurt.  Or maybe you have considered reconciling and wonder if he's changed.  Don't let curiosity over his life get to you.  Do not drive by his house. Do not drive by his work.  Do not ask friends or neighbors what he or she has been up to socially.  Especially do NOT quiz your children about their other parent.  Trust that if you need to know something it will be revealed.  You divorced or separated for a reason.  Accept that reason and move forward.  Do not try to stay mentally attached through keeping track of your former spouse. Their new life is not your business unless it is harming your children at visitation.

Curiosity...overcome it where your former spouse is concerned.

These are just a few ideas to concentrate upon as you focus on growth, healing and maturity during your divorce and the many days, weeks, and months following.  It's a journey. And remember, journeys begin with one step, then continue for many more.  Take the first steps for your healing journey.

I'm praying for you....Gayle

Growing Through Divorce

                No, that title does not say, ‘Going through divorce’.  It does indeed say, ‘growing’.  And it is possible to do so – to grow though the process of your divorce.  Purposeful focus and direction are necessary for growth to occur, but that growth is a very real possibility for you. For me

                I’ve been reading a book by that very title, Growth Through Divorce , by Jim Smoke, written in 1985.   I don’t want to copy his work, but, I would like to share a few very helpful insights from him on getting your divorce and former spouse in focus for forward movement. For moving on.  For growth and a healthy mindset.

                The first advice Mr. Smoke offers is profoundly simplistic.  And I do mean simple.  Take the detachment ONE DAY AT A TIME.  Duh.  Why do we rush healing? Where do we get the idea that years of pain will be gone in days?   We cannot wish away days and weeks because we think we are ‘not going to make it’.  We are making it. We are still standing.  Do we hurt?  YES, is the resounding cry.  But, we are making it.  Is the future uncertain?  YES, again.  But, we CAN and MUST apply Philippians 4:6-7 to this uncertain future that can bring such worry:

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding and comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

                We waste so much mental, emotional and spiritual energy racing back and forth between the past and the future.  Rehashing the past exhausts us.  Fretting over the future fatigues voraciously.  Our energy must be used for the present.  What can we do NOW for healthy choices to move us onward?  How can we rest our minds NOW to bring that calm and serenity that we thrive upon each day?

                Wishing for tomorrow and healing to get here NOW does NOT make today go away.  Emotional healing is a much slower process than any physical healing could ever be.   Even cancer treatments are shorter than healing from emotional woundedness.  We must choose consciously to live in the NOW….as my great friend says, “Breathe in, breathe out and move on.”  Now.  Today only.  NO breaths for tomorrow’s worries.  Just today’s.

                Immediately following the breakup of a marriage, feelings, resentments,   and emotional struggles run high.  If children are involved, constant contact with the former spouse means ongoing reminders of the painful situation.  With proper boundaries in place, child support established, well thought out visitation schedules, etc. the contact can be consistent and the confrontations of pain lessened.  Over time, if both of you choose healthy behavior and responses, the aggravation levels can lower. 

                This takes healthy responses from both of you.  I am sorry if your own situation does not involve healthy minded individuals.  This is a frustration of great weariness. 

But, overall, with a healthy mindset towards healing, you can achieve it.  One day at a time.  Nothing worth attaining in life is ever easy.  I remember that quote from my English teacher in seventh grade.  And it is still true.  Emotional healing will be yours.  Do not rush it.  Let it happen with each choice you make, each new day.

 With the dawning of each new day comes new mercy.  This is true of God.  Let it be true with yourself.  Show yourself fresh mercy each day.   You have changed your role in life, maybe your name even, your identity from married to single, you’re a single parent, the changes have been drastic.  Give yourself grace to settle in to all this altered life.

Grant mercy to yourself as you build reservoirs of strength for all your tomorrows while you face the changes of today. 

You are alive.  You are healing.  You will make it through today.  That is all you need know.

You are still standing.  Keep standing.  Establish your new self one day at a time.

Saturday Sunrise

I just have to start off by saying, "God is amazing."

My drive to work at six thirty this morning was a lovely one because God painted the sky with burgundy clouds, mist rising from fields in swirls and worshipful dance; I was taken to my own place of worship as I looked at it all.  My Father is so abundantly good to me - the One who created and controls all this natural beauty is the One who designed and created me.

Awe inspiring, isn't it?

As I drove, I was thinking about a conversation I had last evening with a young woman in a local shop.  The topic of a wedding being held in last night's cool, drizzling weather was brought up and led this gal to remember her own wedding ten years ago this October.  She said, "I would have been married ten years this next month, but we didn't make it.  My sister and I are both divorced, but she is remarried and happy.  I failed my parents, I'm still single."
You can hear where the thougths in my head are going, can't you?

I shared with this girl that I understood that failure flash.  Recalling my parents' fiftieth anniversary party, I shared the story with this gal of how my own mom was expressing such pride in her four children, their strong homes, terrific grand children. solid marriages, etc. Then four weeks later, my former husband was out of the house.

How do you tell family that your marriage is broken? When do you try to explain it to them, because you are sure they are going to want to know how to explain it to their friends?  Does the feeling of failing them go away eventually?

I know I was afraid to tell my folks.  My siblings.  Aunts, uncles.  Would they be shocked? Disappointed in me?

But, now, a couple years down the road, I realize it doesn't matter.  My marital circumstances are not changed, helped, or distorted by my family's response to one of their own being no longer in an all-American, strong foundational marriage.

Family can support or tear down. My own has been very supportive and prayerful.  Words of encouragement from them have been like gold to me.  I ache for those who do not have family back up. 

Family can interfere and make an already painful situation exhausting and traumatic.  This sort of family backing is so disappointing.  Sad that others don't see the pain they cause, but, humanity is humanity, isn' t it!

While we long for support, the truth is that we must be strong for making our decisions about our marriages.  It is we who face judges, court conciliators, counselors, teachers, employers, etc. etc.  We have to explain relationship changes to our children.  We walk the miles and miles of adventurous trails called singleness.

So, our hearts must speak truth to us that we are not failures.  Our marriages were broken.  We may have failed in some part, but we need not wear a nametag that screams, "FAILURE"!!!  We are not responsible for both sides of a relationship, and cannot take on the burden of our former partner's actions and responses in our marital struggles. 

We broke, experienced trauma and heartache; we cried, we fought, we embarrassed ourselves, we were humiliated and humbled, we tried, we went to counselors. But we are not failures.

None of us married with the goal of falling apart one day.  Hopes are higher than the mountain tops on wedding days.  Not a person on earth can anticipate the zany, crazy, insane issues that can enter a home like a sneaky little mouse that finds a crack in the foundation of a house.  Marriage can be blindsided and crumbling with the damage of a termite's power before you even realize the walls are powder, joists are rotted, and the roof is caving.

Failure is never the goal on a wedding day.  Brokenness happens. We are in a fallen world and perfection will only be experienced in eternity.  Brokenness is not failure.

Being in a marriage that does not make it for all eternity does not make us failures.  We must embrace this truth.

We have not failed our families.  We have been hurt, heartbroken, humbled, and horrified at our circumstances.  But, we are not failures.

I love you, readers....truly.  I'm praying for you. God is so in love with us; let's hold on to that truth.

Who Am I?

Identity:

•  a particular mode of being of a person or thing; existing state; situation with respect to circumstances

• the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another

• the individual characteristics by which a person or thing is recognized

• the state of being the same as a person or thing described or claimed

In a recent note I received via email, I was challenged to consider my idea of divorce, separation, and singleness in a different light.


One of my essays, located at the bottom of this blog page, details the adjectives I have felt applied to my life as a 'not married', separated, going through legal issues woman.  Dirty was one of the words I used.  I never imagined the dirtiness I would feel from accusations, blame, slander, gossip, and lost relationships.  Actually, I never imagined any of that happening at all, let alone the sensations that would accompany it.


But, this recent email I received from a kind gentleman friend, directed my thoughts to something other than ugly adjectives for myself.  He used the word 'identity'; that word up there with all the various definitions after it.  I've been considering it ever since we chatted about it.


I am not dirty.  I have merely changed identity.  This change in identity also includes loss, which makes it painful, but pain is not soiled.


I was once a wife.  Now I a separated woman, with a name, but no connection to a man I once called 'husband.  A marriage license no longer connects my heart to that role.  My identity has changed.  This does not make me dirty.


How have you changed identity?  Did you, too, change marital status? Are you an empty nester, now?  Did you lose or change your vocation?  Have you always identified yourself as Mr. or Mrs. So and So, or someone's Daddy or Momma, or a doctor, a baker, a banker, a teacher?


Our titles may change. But, our character does not.  No longer being married is not an avenue to disaster and smudging of moral character or value.  Losing a job, or no longer caring for any children in the home is not a change in who you are.  It is an alteration of title, of position, not validity or uniqueness.


Yet, I know the loss of these parts of what you do in life is a painful thing, and can even be heartbreaking.  Single, widowed, grieving parent, jobless, parapalegic who was once a sports hero....any number of scenarios cry out the angst of such losses.  But you are still able to be who you were created to be.


Are you becoming THAT person....the one God created you to be?  If you are a believer in Him, you are His Child...not only His creation, but His very relation. That identity will never be altered.  You stand complete in Him no matter your marital, parenting or money making status.


Each of us is created in the image of God....His creativity, His divine attributes of longing for fellowship, talents, love of nature, art, music, wonder...love..He has put each of those within us, in our identity as His image bearers.


My marital status does not change that.  Nor does yours.


I am no longer Mrs. _____ _________.  I am Gayle Kuhnle Hansen.  Made in the image of God. I am creative, loving, kind, outgoing, spastic, funky, compassionate, easily tearful, a hugger, madly in love with Jesus, a writer, a singer, a painter...a friend, a parent, a sister, a mother, a daughter.  None of those parts of who I am have changed because I am no longer a man's wife.  I am the Beloved of Christ Jesus.  As His child, you are, too.


My identity in Him, as the woman He created my to be is solid.  It will not change.  My titles may, my character will not. Marital status does not steal these things from me. I am not dirty.  I have an identity rooted in My Creator, My Redeemer, My Beloved Bridegroom Jesus.  I am whole.

I'm not learning...

Psalm 46:10.."Be still and know that I AM God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all kingdoms."

And in my life, Lord.

Oh, really?

Just how still are you being and letting God have his perfect work in You?
When, exactly, have you stopped thrashing around trying to figure out all the details of life and how each one will play itself out for you?

What did you get that tattoo for, the one that reminds you to be still before God...to let Him BE God in your life? 

I'm wondering now, because I surely haven't been a good student in this ART 101....Art of Being Still Before the Father.  I have tended to jump ahead in my assignmemts and not waited for the details He wants to explain to me for each one.  So, that has meant I've included items that He never intended to be part of the art project. 

Really, this is not a personal butt whoopin' time.  I don't need guilt trips, and I don't thrive on 'should haves', 'oughts' and 'what ifs'.  But, the reality of striving has been shown to me. 
My own striving.

Another version of Psalm 46:10 says, "Cease striving and know that God is God."  Cease striving, stop wiggling, quit being agitated, don't try to figure out life so much; all things I've caught myself doing recently.

How about you?  Are you wrestling with life and the adventures it is throwing at you? Do you fret over the details when there is no possible way you could control them?  Are you believing God is at work in circumstances around you?

Sometimes, I strive. Sometimes I trust.  I prefer the trust option. It offers so much more serenity.

Be still. Stay in a state of serenity. 

Hope Deferred

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." 

That simple truth is in the Bible.  Since that is true, I'm having the most awe struck sense that the heavenly Father knows our hearts' pains, understands them, anticipates them, and created us with such intensity of emotion to give us the chance to experience those sick moments, as well as those moments of incredible delight.

A precious new friend is on my mind tonight.  And lost love.  

Oh, how hard to direct one's heart when it has gone wild with love, commitment and desire.  That time when your mind, will, and very soul decide that you are intent upon watching someone grow old, walking through life with him or her, yearning for his best and the role you will play in making that happen for the one desired by your heart.  Then it happens.

Your one heart's desire turns to another.

Can there be a greater hope deferred?  Death seems to be. Yet,death is not a choice.   Death comes without invitation or being drawn away from us by another lover.  So, there is great loss in death, but not the deferred hope of rejected love.  Death steals from us, but doesn't betray us.  There is a grave difference.  And I mean no pun there.

Unrequited love.  I remember reading about it in high school.  English literature class....much unrequited love in the great writings of old.  This love not felt by both parties was the topic of many a classic - Jane Austen, Elizabeth Gaskell, even Shakespeare.  Heartache and longing always accompanied such a kind of love as that unrequited.

But, what about the love once offered, freely given, expressed, and shared - then taken away?

Can there be any more intense pathway to hurt, unfulfilled hopes, and sickness of heart?  How is one to go on without sickness of heart, when the heart wrenching truth is evident that the love you once experienced is now being given to another?  Love that belonged to you?

When evidence of such betrayal of hopes appears, a flash of searing heat runs its lightning fast course through your body.  Vomiting comes to mind.  Shaking in every limb begins.  And you sit with heaviness of heart, mind, soul, limbs ...every inch of your body.  You hang your head and cry.  Weep. Sob.

You must forge ahead.  Work must be done.  Homes must be maintained. If you have them, children must be raised.

But how? Even God knows that deferred hope makes a very sick heart.  Sick.  It is a sickness that can blindside you at any turn of the day or night.  In traffic. At work.  At church. While on the phone.  The loss hits you. The love you feasted upon now is the banquet table of another.

Oh, Father, why did You create us with such intense longing? With the ability to feel such fierce trauma to our senses?   Father, it hurts.

I hear you whispering to me, Father.  You know the heartache.  You grieve over the hurt because you do love us so desperately.  That is what I hear you gently speaking in my ear.  I can go on, my friend can go on..because you sing a song of delight and love over us.  Your love is not tangible as a fresh love, a soft kiss, a comforting hug. But, it is profoundly real.  Your love is always stable. Always present.  Always my own. Always.

I'm hearing that song, Father:

You're My beloved, you're my bride.  To sing over you is my delight. Come away with me, My love.

Under My mercy come and wait, until we are standing face to face.  I see no stain on you My child.

I'll take you to my quiet waters, I'll restore your soul. Come rest in Me and be made whole.

I sing over you My song of peace, cast all your cares down at My feet.  Come and find your rest in me."

Love deferred, given to another when it once belonged to you, is still heart wrenching.  But, there is a greater love.  A love that will never betray.  A love that is ever safe, ever true and faithful.  These are not trite phrases. They are truth for our very souls full of wracking pain. 

The Father loves us as a faithful Groom delights in His bride.  Jesus adores us.  His love is solid. It never betrays.  He never gives it to another lover, only His Bride. 

We are His Bride...He loves us and sings a song of delight over us.

Remember this when that heartache of hoped for love that is now deferred hits you with a ferocious blast.  Let the pain have its work of making you strong, making you gain compassion for other hurting hearts, causing you to learn a level of forgiveness in a manner you've never needed before now.  But, within that work, KNOW the Groom's passionate love for you is constant.  Sure. Faithful. Real.

It is a love that will NEVER bring sickness of heart. 

Father, thank you for such a love that is the undoing of my very soul.  You are amazing.  Even in profound pain, you bring me to my knees in worship as I consider your love.

My precious new friend, know this passion is yours.  Human love is fickle.  Love founded with foundations in the Father's love is rarely so. But, the love OF the Father shall never be fickle.  It is sure.  It is yours.

An Audience of One

I love The Message.  I know this version of the Scriptures is sometimes considered not 'legit', or lacking in power...but, oh, the sense of just being spoken to gently by the Lord...I get that from this Bible.

I Corinthians 4:3-4 in the Message says this:

"It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion.  I don't even rank myself.  Comparisons in these matters are pointless. I'm not aware of anything that would disqualify me from being a good guide for you, but that doesn't mean much. The Master makes that judgment.  So, don't get ahead of the Master and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all the evidence is in. When He comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of - inner motives and purposes and prayers.   Only then will any one of us get to hear the "Well done!!" of God."

In another version, the NASV, we read this:

But to me it is a very small thing that I may be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself. For I am conscious of nothing against myself, yet I am not by this acquitted but the one who examines me is the Lord. Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men's hearts; and then each man's praise will come to him from God."

Do live your life for an audience of one?

Throughout the years of raising children, as they have wanted to do 'great' things publicly, I've often challenged their motives by asking them,  "Are you willing to perform for an audience of One?  Because when you are, then you are ready to play for a much larger audience."

My advice to them was to make sure their motives for fame were based in glorifying God with their talents and not just being big stars one day.  But, this inquiring counsel can also be flipped and used to clear confusion rather than just settle motives.

I was challenged with this idea over the weekend regarding my life decisions, the constant interventions and unsought counsel I receive, and even the counsel I ask for when making decisions. Do I take such counsel and just lay it at the feet of the heavenly Father, waiting upon Him to clearly direct me in ways that have their motive based in pleasing Him and no one else?

Oftimes, as we raise children, make decisions that are not popular, carry out life as single parents, making major household and relational decisions, our decisions are critiqued quite severely.  This has been the case in my own life.  Has it been so for you?  Do you feel under the microscope lens of someone in your life?  Are you incessantly faced with input from folks who malign your decisions, second guess you and cause confusion?  OR have you sought counsel from wise, chosen advisers only to have them give you conflicting advice which brings more confusion than when you started?

Have people in your life passed on gossip they have heard about you as you walk the hard roads you travel?  Are you feeling very judged for your actions, yet you have never wanted to sin in them?

Well, like me, those verses of Scripture above are for you. 

You perform for an audience of One.  The Only One who truly matters.

Common is the action of allowing ourselves to be confused by conflicting advice, even from trusted advisors whom we seek, or by critical counsel unasked for from others, and our own inner voices of second guessing.  There is no peace in such a mental, emotional, or spiritual state.   These are some of the energy robbing reasons we need to perform our life tasks before an audience of One Critic. 

Do you notice I keep using that same phrase?  Audience of One?

When we live our lives with Him in mind as our most beloved observer, we can be at peace.  Many times, He is less demanding, more merciful and less confusing than any human watching our lives could be. 

Please understand I am NOT discussing those choices in life where your actions affect others in ways that would inconvenience, harm, irritate, or take advantage them.  I am only directing my thoughts towards those actions that are about you, your life, your household and your relationships.  These ideas I’m sharing are directed at the arena of life where you are pressed by others to perform in a manner that would please them, appease them, be approved of by them, and satisfy their need to control you, or make sure you are carrying out your spiritual life their way.

When we feel this pressure, we are most miserable and confused. 

But, let our hearts and actions be laid out before the One that loves us most, and our decisions will be easier, less stressful and completely settled in our minds and motives.  No second guessing needed.

I’m preaching to the choir, here, you know.  The motivation for writing tonight is my own frailty in this world of being judged by others and letting them throw me off course.  It is ME that those Scriptures above spoke to so powerfully. 

I serve the One who created me, gives me breath and life, and sent a beloved child to die for me.  His applause is the applause I want to hear the loudest.  What would it matter to hear the roaring praise of a crowd on earth, if my Father is not in that crowd cheering the loudest?  Do I really yearn to please Him enough that if His is the only set of hands I hear clapping, I’d be whole enough to keep performing for Him, even as others booed or threw a tomato or two?

I’m challenged by my own writing here.  I hope you are as well.

For whom do you make your decisions?  As others toss in their advice on your life, or you seek counsel from a few counselors you trust, are you still willing to lay it all at the feet of the heavenly Father and let Him sift through it with you to decide what is best for you, and what will most honor Him in YOUR life?  I didn’t say the life of a friend, or the pleasure of a counselor.  I said, ‘…honor Him with YOUR life.’

He is a merciful Audience.  Perform for Him, and for Him alone.

Your audience of one.

Love you beloved one…Gayle

Fatigue, Faith and the Father

The week has been long, tiring, full of new happenings at every turn, and a real inspiration to practice my faith.

After twenty-three years of home schooling, my last five children started public school this week. We survived. There were a few tired tears, but we conquered.  Since school was in session, my second job as a director of a program for children after school is dismissed was begun as well.  There were a couple days of my needing to be at work at 6:45 a.m., working until three, and then straight to the church for the second job hours until 6:00 p.m.  I felt pushed right to my limits those days, and I kept thinking about women and men who have done such things as two jobs, single parenting, and surviving it all. Many have gone before me who have been victorious in life changing times, so I was encouraged to remember such truths.

So, now, my household is one of homework, football games, activities, signing sheet after sheet of paper with some notice upon it, youth activities, working mom, dishes piling up, and laundry multiplying and running around the house while we are all gone throughout the day.  (I'm sure I saw a pair of shorts run down the hall and drop down on the floor as I entered the side door the other day....they thought I didn't notice, but I'm positive I saw it happen.)

As I've been sitting in my car at the end of the day, feeling too tired to walk to the door, I've been forced to do nothing but pray.   My heavenly Father knows my fatigue.  My faith in Him tells me that He knows what I need before I know myself.  He loves me that desperately. 

A dear friend and mentor knew of my fatigue and offered the gift of paying for a clinical massage for me this week.  Money for breakfast was even included in the card that informed me of my massage date and time.  Scriptures to read and enjoy with the Lord were offered as suggestions for me to dwell upon as I had my breakfast.  My heavenly Father knew I needed those things, and He inspired my friend to minister to me.  I know it is true. 

I'm hoping as you pray in your weariness, you see answers from Him...that your faith in Him lets you see every gift He sends, no matter its size.

There are different forms of weariness, I know.  Adult life just lends itself to fatigue.  Physical tiredness comes from long hours of work.  Mental fatigue follows sitting at the table and figuring out your taxes.  Spiritual fatigue slips in as you wrestle with God over a painful trial.  Most exhausting, in my opinion, is emotional fatigue or exhaustion; that worn out heart and soul that have faced too many battles too close in succession, or too much pain and loneliness.  This weariness of soul comes wrapped in various sized and shaped packages. 

This week, I received an 'anonymous', unsigned letter in an envelope with a copy of Bible book,  James, chapter one, with verses highlighted that the writer thought were appropo to my sinful life.  Then, also included was a 'Dear Abbey' article on a divorced wife keeping her business to herself.  I'm used to such things as I travel this road of hard choices in my marital separation and divorce choice.  But, they are wearisome still.

Many of you, too, I know, face emotionally draining challenges to your walk of faith, to your strong stands in life, and to your relationships.  Single, divorced, even married, the challenges that arise in relationships can be the most wearisome of all.

But, even in these, I know the Father is faithful and merciful.  I know that letter I received was nothing to be alarmed by; I 'considered the source'.  You know, if you are walking in faith, praying for wisdom, seeking counsel, then the stresses that come from outside sources are ones to be ignored heartily.  We each have to press on in faith, doing what we believe is best, wisest and healthiest for our families and ourselves.  It is exhausting to worry what others think all the time, and it is more exhausting to take the junk of others and let its weight rest upon our lives.  We can set it aside, rest in the Father's guidance and care, and move on. 

These actions bring rest to the soul. When we try to bear too much of the crap that comes our way, then we are sincerely exasperated and fatigued to unhealthy levels.  But, knowing God draws us to Himself, wanting to have us let Jesus bear our yoke of heaviness, and that He will settle all the junk in our lives - this knowledge can bring rest to our lives.  Yes, we still walk through the mine field of mess, but we do so with the peaceful sense of knowing the Father has prepared the way.  He has known our need at this place in life long before we encountered it.  His plans for us have lined the road we travel.  Do you trust Him this much?

Many have written to me to say that this emotional fatigue, or loneliness, or pain in all the areas I've discussed before in this blog, are also very common to married folks as well.  I know this is true.  I've been short sighted to only direct my comments to single people, divorced or separated, or widowed.  Stress hits us all.  In so many forms.  But, as individuals of faith, we can dwell in such places of emotional exhaustion with the knowledge that our heavenly Father sees and intends to bring a form of deliverance to us that will be a balm to our wearied places of the heart. 

I do believe, though, that God also wants us to be resting before Him...being still and knowing He's God and will be exalted.  (Psalm 46:10)  He wants us stopping our fast paced lives and sitting at His feet, or taking naps, letting a messy kitchen sit while we rest, getting good exercise, fellowshipping with healthy friends, ....God loves us, cares for us and brings intercession. But, He does mean for us to take care of ourselves as well. 

So, when fatigue hits, and you pray for help or deliverance or rescue, wait upon God for it.
But, take that nap whenever you can.  Sit and worship with music to soothe a pained heart. Chat with a trusted friend who will edify your spirit.  These things just might be the methods of deliverance God brings as you go to Him in faith, trusting Him to answer your cries of exhaustion.

Don't feel guilty, either, loved one.  That is NOT a gift from God at all.  Stand against it. And stand against any source of nasty guilt from others that only brings emotional weariness to your soul.  You know who those treasures are from, and it isn't your Father in heaven.

Rest your souls, beloved readers.  Fatigue is real. The Father who loves you beyond description is MORE real.  Really.

Love you...Gayle

What to say....

Wow, this past many days have been full of so much 'food for thought'. 

I've been encouraged to press on in my writing because it bugs the masses of naysayers.  I've been critiqued on the validity of my faith.  Others have questioned the value of writing versus the pain I face in the battle of words over my own words and sharing.  One very supportive man just gave me food for thought in his support of my heart, my faith, and my purposes in sharing. 

One thing is certain, I have struck a chord.  A very resonant one.  A small stroke of the 'enter' string on this harp of a computer, and 'POW', the sounds ring out.  Sounds of discord, sounds of support, sounds of cheer, harmony of praise and thanksgiving, cacophony of strife stirring.  Wow.

But, I will press on in writing. My goals are the same tonight, as when I began a few weeks ago.  I want to open my heart to you as God is giving me so much.  HE is filling me, changing me, humbling me, allowing heartache and disappointment that I am sure are driving me to His feet.  And I KNOW others are experiencing the same lessons...so let us share our burdens, our lessons, our delights in the Lord, our pains that cast us at God for care. 

Misunderstanding will occur.  Judgment will happen, of that I am sure.  Critique will cry out. Nasty words will be written. Blessings will rise up.  Prayers will be petitioned.  And I hope to grow from every one of those responses to my writing.  Do you hope for the same in your trials?

Naysayers do not keep me from growing.  I just pray to always be willing to be hurt by them but never become like them.  Let that be your prayer as well if you are going though events in life that others have NO CLUE of the details and make judgment in ways that they know not any truth.  Whether it is divorce, separation, marital counseling, events you choose, actions you take....do all to the glory of God, and let others be left on the sidelines doing their griping if that is their choice. You keep your eye on the prize of following Jesus, glorifying Him as you go. 

That is my prayer after all the responses I've received to my writing lately. 

Support and prayers are gracious gifts of saints and friends.  How good is God to give us pieces of Himself in such edifying moments and words.  Wow, God. You are awesome towards us.  There is NO way I believe God would use nastiness to share His truth.  Oh, I do believe HE uses painful words to guide us. Not all counsel is easy to hear or act upon. But, when His Word is twisted with lies to make a point, I can't believe HE approves such purposes.  He is ALL TRUTH. Satan is all lies.   Mixing one with the other is all lie. 

Truth can be tainted with lies, hypocrisy and venom.  We all must learn to discern the error in these messages. This is vital because as we walk with the Lord, yearning to be obedient, sensitive to wanting to be walking in a manner that glorifies Him , it is easy for us to be sidetracked by cloudy truth.  We yearn for truth so much, we can be persuaded by half truths if we are not careful.

In our positions of already being second guessed, or confronted on our decisions as single moms, folks going through divorce, etc. we have got to be firm in our mindset on truth and right thinking.  If we let every half truth deceive us, or confuse  us....as I have often done...we live in a muddled, chaotic, exhausting mess. 

Make sure the voices you heed are full of truth.  NOt half truth.  Not anger. But, grace and truth.  Ask God for wisdom to know the difference...test those spirits to see if they be of God!!!! 

I'll continue to share my heart as I learn these simple lessons along with you.  And I will be praying for all the readers who comment that they too will walk in truth, no confusion and no pressure to conform to strife filled oppression.

Press on, loved ones....let's keep going. Keep our eye on the goals of glorifying God..of knowing our lives are all about Jesus. Not us.  All things...all is about Him.  We do nothing apart from Him.  We don't breathe, we have no faith, we have no character of strength without Jesus. 

Let us NOT be distracted as HE leads us.  Even in painful paths.

Love to you..Gayle

I just have to say it...

....no matter our place in life; married, separated, divorced, struggling, single, widowed, young, old....we have the great privilege of knowing Jesus, being filled and led by His spirit, and being loved deeply by the Father in heaven. 

Hurts come in all sizes, shapes, forms, sounds, smells and tastes. Every person has them.  But, goodness, God is aware of every one of those hurts in His children's lives.  His eyes are always upon us; His ears always attentive to our prayers - even when to us it seems He is deaf.  He is NOT.

Never will be.

Joys come in all shapes and sizes, as well. And from every direction. We can find them if we but look, search, and desire.  If your heart truly longs to find joy in all God has for you, then you will discover it in a breeze across your face - sensing His touch on your life; in the sound of waves crashing on a sandy shore - realizing His awesome power in all things; in the lightning and thunder that crash after midnight - seeing His constant work in patterns over and over again in nature and in loving us through struggles - always following through with grace, just like the thunder follows the flash; in the taste of delicious foods- seeing that every good and perfect gift is from Him, even a wonderful cheesecake; in a table filled with you family all about it - where He has made you rich beyond measure.  In each of these places, and many more, God sends tidbits of joy to relieve the pains of every day hassles.  They are reminders of deeper things. Eternal things.

His delight in us is powerful - He does truly love us with desperation - and yearns for us to know Him and love Him the same way. 

Sitting before the Father in prayer is precious time spent.  There, you will sense His great love, His guidance, His quiet voice whispering to your heart......the most tender Lover with Whom your soul will ever be intimate. 

Father, thank you for inviting me in to your presence in prayer; for holding me gently through each word I lay in your lap, for catching my tears when I weep, and for hiding me in Your shadowed protection.
You are so merciful, so unfailing in Your love.  Thank you.
I love you, Father. Daddy. Abbagod.

Gayle

Solitude....Alone...or Lonely? Which is it?

When I consider my goal in writing this blog, ministering to those in the single world after divorce, or separation, I realize I am very short sighted.  Living out one’s life as a single person can come from many other sources as well.

We often think that only when a person is the sole adult in a home is he, or she, single or running a home alone.  But, this is far from the truth.  Being alone can come in many forms. 

I know a precious woman who shows strength that seems to have no bounds.  She serves, loves her grown children and grandbabies, works hard, smiles, prays for others….all the while her sacrifices in life running a home alone go unnoticed.  She is married, not physically alone, not divorced or anywhere near one.  This woman of strength is walking through the steps of single life while married. She runs a home alone. She shops alone. She worships at church alone. She mows the lawn alone. She maintains the property alone. 

This woman, and many like her, is caring for a very ill spouse.  His failing health means he is not a part of her day, or her activities.  Sleep is necessary in very large doses for him.  So, she is quiet, to let him get as much sleep as he needs. His meals are often served in bed to him.  She eats alone in the kitchen or in the bedroom with him. 

For those of us on the outside, we have to open our eyes to the many ways this gal’s life is like that of a single or widowed woman.  She needs encouragement and edification as much as any of us. 

Widowed women have the same heartaches and life changes as any single person.  Running a home and family alone is a powerfully heavy load to bear.  In any form the singleness takes place…..getting freedom from abuse,  a death of a spouse, an ill spouse, a spouse in long term hospital care, divorce, a spouse in the military….for its duration,  the time of bearing the load is one of great need for support.

Those folks married to alcoholics, drug addicts, or gamblers….these each bear much of the load of a home alone.  The addicted spouse is often so disconnected from the home and from reality, that the other spouse is sincerely carrying the weight of life alone. Children are raised by the sober spouse, bills are paid by the non gambling spouse, illnesses are nursed by the non­-addict while the addict hides in his or her drug of choice.  Loneliness inside a home results. 

These times of loneliness have extra pains connected to them.  Truly, they do.  Let’s see them through compassionate lenses.  Let’s not envy their being married when our own lives do not include a spouse.  There are marriage situations where one of the spouses is sincerely alone in hauling the household load.

For all of us walking the ‘road’, I want to look at the idea of being alone.  When we say ‘alone’, we often feel a sense of fear or dread.  And ‘loneliness’ is a painful term to dwell upon, as well.  But, there is a difference. 

We can go grocery shopping with no one with us in the car or helping to push the cart, yet not be lonely.  We are alone, but not lonely.  If we look at that time as time for solitude, or even time for seeing many of the friends we know, we do not have to have the sense of loneliness. 

Solitude can be a treasure for us.  It is time for worship, prayer, reflection, planning, dreaming, and hoping.  There is no fear or dread in any of these activities.  And, frankly, when we belong to the Heavenly Father, we are NEVER alone.  Never. 

When I have spent holidays alone, while the kids are with their father, I have often spent a great deal of the day in prayer, worship with music, writing, resting.  Those days have occasionally smacked me with a bit of pity, but, most often, God has blessed me with the thought of considering solitude as my gift from Him.  It means time with Him.

Please, let me state I do NOT believe in being alone all the time. We NEED fellowship with others. Our mental and emotional health are considerably encouraged by exchanges of laughter, chatting, praying, or serious conversation with other humans – family or friends…or even foes.

So, when you feel an overabundance of alone time to the point of feeling lonely, then please INVEST IN YOURSELF and go to a Bible study, go visit a friend, call a grown child for coffee, go to a knitting club, or chess club….go to church, serve somewhere. Volunteer at a school or nursing home.  God will fill your life with fellowship to minister to lonely places of your heart.

For those of you on the outside looking in to the lives of single friends or family members – look also at the man or woman caring for a sick spouse, who never has romance anymore, or date nights, or dinner at restaurants where dressing up is such a treat.  Consider that person married for companionship and is not experiencing it now.  Loneliness can be painful for these folks just as powerfully as it is for the separated or divorced. 

Oftimes, we must choose singleness for safety, for survival, for health, for children, or for sanity.  Very rarely, will you meet someone who chose the life just so they could have more alone time. More solitude.  Many of us thrive on solitude – we are re-energized by it, readied for facing more adventure in this world.  But, then, we all need to turn from the solitary moments and enter the world of humanity.  It is necessary.

If others cannot quite see us in this world – don’t realize we have pains as we dwell here - then let us each take care of ourselves – invest in ourselves as God’s precious treasures – and seek fellowship opportunities, or times of comfort with others.  

We are worth such investment.  And I know the Father agrees with me…He loves us and gave people to us for our health and edification.  And us to them.

I love you, dear reader….I’m praying for you as I write.

Gayle

For me, the purpose in joining the blog world is NOT to post personal journal items such as my day to day happenings.  My goal in writing has been to share the lessons I’ve learned in a new phase of life called singleness.  I hope to encourage others with my own experiences as I have entered the new, and painful world, of  being a single woman and parent. 
Often, married folks take for granted the gazillion tasks carried out daily in a household that are ultimately done together.  Even without considering it, when married, a partner usually has the back up of the other in decision making, doctor’s appointments, ER visits, childcare routines, sports activity schedules, etc. ad nauseum.  Having another  adult in the room, or even on the property, takes a lot of weight off of one’s shoulders.  I’m feeling the weight of not having that sound, soulful, healthy partner in life. 
 I am carrying out the tasks of raising children alone, disciplining them alone, handling their pains and anxieties alone, planning their activities and education alone, paying bills and figuring out finances alone, taking them to hospitals for emergencies alone, often even making money alone when support and alimony are behind due to health concerns for my former husband.  It is me alone who faces the battles of selling a large home, of thinking where to move, how to find more income producing work. And , most especially, it is me alone who faces the small town scrutiny of my actions, my choices, my relationships, my educational choices for my children, my time use, and my lack of explanation for any of the above.
Living in a very small community  -  where you don’t dare speak badly of anyone, because surely, someone in the room will be related to them -  is like living on a microscope slide.   My town is connected and webbed together with families all marrying to one another, going to churches together, working in factories together, and all shopping at the same grocery store for decades.  Be careful, because you might walk into a ladies’ restroom and hear your name being discussed.   This all means that, at any time, you will be subject to scrutiny of every decision, weight gain, purchase, hair color change,  and relationship change you experience. 
For me, this has meant a good deal of microscopic, and often myopic, viewing of my every deed.  The past two years of living as a single parent has meant a good deal of change and, hopefully, forward motion on my part and that of my children.  But, because I’m a woman alone, it is often intimated that I do not make these forward moving decisions with wisdom or proper motivation.   Not only this, but I also often deal with people who do not respect boundaries, so my life is especially, persistently critiqued by folks who do not do such critiquing with proper motives or the desire to encourage me in my walk with God or my leading of my family.
My relationships are often questioned, my actions, my dress, even my writing on this blog.  Many of you, who have walked through messy divorces or separations, have probably experienced the very same painful interference in your lives.  It seems the small community mindset says our lives must be laid bare for others to determine if we, in our newfound singleness, are making proper choices.  Or could it be we have all flipped our female lids and gone off the deep end of sane thinking and sound decision making? 
It is beyond  frustrating to have one’s decisions discussed publicly; to have pressure to defend every action and decision.  If I lived in Chicago, or even, perhaps Grand Rapids, this small town, gossipy scrutinizing might not exist.  But, alas, I’m in a community knit closely with connections that almost seem parasitic at times. 
It is only recently that I have realized that if I am at peace with God, I have no need to explain anything to anyone.  No person has this need.  When led by God, who else must you pacify with an explanation?  Please, know, I am not talking about blatant unhealthy behavior or boundary-less behavior that affects many others.  If I was doing cocaine in front of my children, I hope someone would call me on it.   I speak of the choices in life that are not for others to take part in for mere speculation. 

Recently, my own life has been overshadowed by the ugliness that comes with the separation/divorce world.  I am reminded that I am not the first to travel this road.  Many have gone before me, throughout history, and been subject to slander, maligning, gossip, and deviant behaviors that cause nothing but stress in an already stressed life.  What is the purpose, I do not know.   Some people just need to cause heartache as they travel through life.  We cannot change them.  I cannot -have not - and you cannot. 
So, today, I write to say,
 “Let us trust that the heavenly Father does indeed see all things.  He is not blind to sin or strife causing activity.  He says he hates strife makers.  Let us not copy such behavior.  Let’s ask Him to strengthen us to have no need of retaliation or revenge.  Let’s trust Him to carry out His will for those who grieve Him desperately with desperate deeds.  May we truly trust His hand in our lives; trust that He has plans when we do NOT see Him taking immediate action, trust His heart in allowing the activity to continue unabated.  He is so good and trustworthy, even in this world of brokenness.   He does NOT plan the sin of these people in our lives; He knew it would happen once the world was broken by Adam and his Eve.  These hurtful people are nothing new to God.  Not at all. Do you believe this?  That sin such as theirs has existed since creation’s fall is absolutely true.  Think Cain and Abel.  Bitter jealousy led to murder.   Today,  bitter jealousy and greed often lead to the murder of another’s character.  This might be happening to you.  Are you willing to trust God in such pain? “
That is my prayer today,  even as I write
I trust you, Father.  You know and see all things. Your heart grieves.  You love me so desperately and know me intimately.  Even better than I know myself. Thank you, Father.  You blow me away.  I seek your face for direction every day.  It is You who guides me – You who empowers me to press on amidst strife.  I love  you, Lord.
I will continue to blog, write my life lessons from the Father,  share the experiences that are so profoundly changing me into a woman of strength, character, adventure, creativity, and spunk.
Thanks, God, for doing such a work in me. I give you credit for all things.  You are amazing, God.