Fellowship of friends...vital to thriving as a single person

This morning, I spent an hour in the company of so many good friends.  I'd dropped my children off at Sunday School and was then planning to leave for my workplace a bit early for my shift. But, instead, I stayed and chatted with many dear folks God has sent into my life.  I left the church feeling richer for each second spent in hugging, chatting, and sharing.

One of the conversations left me with a greater understanding of just how vital these moments of fellowship are for healing, thriving, and moving forward as a single person.

After  I received tight squeezes from one couple, a conversation was started between us regarding my blog and how it touches the lives of people.  We began discussing the hunger for love that exists in so  many men and women  that are single after a painful marriage and divorce.  So often, in a very troublesome marriage, the hearts in it are hurting and very empty.  Many times, abusive words and actions have caused scarring and aching that cut deep into the core of the soul.  The loneliness and yearning for love in such situations is a force with which many  must battle like Gandalf battled Saruman in The Lord of the Rings.  If you have seen those movies, you will know the power thrown about in that fight was intense, injurious, and life threatening.

A heart broken by words that damaged it is hungry -  like a ravenous lion preying about for anything to fill its belly.  The problem is that a starving lion will eat rotting meat, not just a fresh kill.  A dying animal will chew upon a creature covered in maggots, not caring about the condition of its meal, just that its stomach pangs are satiated.

Pretty unsavory images there, aren't they?  And exactly how does that connect to the conversation I had this morning with two very dear people?  I think you can sense where I am headed, can't you?

When a man or woman is left alone after a divorce, whether by no choice of his or her own, or by the choice to seek freedom and healing; this person is usually starving for a connection that will fill all the aching spots within that have gone without feeding for far too long.  Left starving for affection, tenderness, kindness, and genuine care, a heart is emaciated, dry, and screaming for something, anything, to fill its tortured emptiness.

You know I am going to tell you that there is only ONE who can ultimately fill the deepest ache of your heart.
Jesus is the sole lover of your soul who can satisfy your intense need. And do NOT get me wrong - the need is INTENSE and it is REAL.

Love is a horribly vital desire of the human spirit, heart and soul. The kind that satisfies, though, is only found in Christ Jesus.  No human on earth can fill your hearts emptiness.  You will forever be disappointed by a man or woman if you look to them to heal your heart's lonely places.  You will be giving them an impossible task to  carry out for you as they try to show you love.

Before you grab onto, or grasp the hand of offered love, fall at the feet of the heavenly Father, receive His unending, never changing, sovereign, merciful love for you.  Allow Him to fill you, heal you, feed you, and hydrate your dry, parched heart.

It will take great strength of heart, which you most likely won't feel you possess, to stand firm against the rush of feelings that come over you when a kind word is spoken, a sweet gesture if offered, or someone of the opposite sex even offers you respect.  Do not leap at these morsels for the filling of your emptiness.  They are morsels, not full banquet feasts.

One day, a feast of human love may come your way, but, it will only be filling to you after you have satiated your hunger at the banquet of  the Father's love for you.  Give yourself some healing time to let his love overwhelm you. Kindness, respect, friendliness, romance - these all feel like water on a parched sponge after it has lain in the desert for months.  But, be wise.

I am NOT suggesting you reject all offers of love or kindness; do not act embittered towards the opposite sex. I am speaking of not leaping at the first tidbits of kindness or flirtation that come your way because they seem like water to a parched tongue!!!  You are worth the time taken to heal and become strong.  Your heart is worth the richness you will gain as you grow in love with Jesus before grasping at the love of a human being.

Loneliness hurts.  I know.  Life feels better somehow when shared with a lover - a stroll on a beach, a walk in the mall, a drive in the country - all feel more wonderful when you can hold the hand of someone you love.  But these same events can be a wealth of adventure and memory making when shared with a group of friends or your children, or parents.  Or even alone.  Yes, alone.  When you know you are accompanied by the One who loves you most of all, each event is never really one where loneliness has to be the mindset with which you face it.  Being alone...not in the company of another human...is not a precursor to loneliness.  Remember, I do not advocate always doing things alone.....being with friends is healthy, warranted, wanted, enjoyable...all sorts of adjectives and adverbs.  But, sometimes, doing something, just you, is okay.  When you know you have your Bridegroom along beside you.

So, don't leap at offerings of romance or kindness like a dying animal might leap upon a carcass in the road.  Your next love need not be road kill.  You don't need to be that hungry.  Let your soul and heart be healed and loved by the Ultimate Lover. Then, when love comes as a banquet feast for you, you can approach the buffet table and choose those delicacies suited to your palette, your greatest delights, and your hearts deepest desires.

As you await that banquet, feast upon the richness of dear friends, family, and folks who feed your soul with their precious love and care in Jesus.

I love you, friends....Gayle

I know you want to be loved, but......

In a majority of the cases, divorced or widowed people would like to be remarried again, or at least a partner in a monogamously commited couple.  It is natural to want to be loved again, and to offer the love one has in his or her own heart.

After months or many years of being 'alone', or not part of a loving couple, the human soul longs to connect in ways beyond friendship.  The relationship that is friends first, then wonderfully leads to romance, is the longing of many a human heart. 

But, in the longing to be loved by another, are you loving yourself enough first and foremost?

By this question, I mean, do  you love yourself enough to demand that the person you connect to in love will also love YOU with respect, honor, and, the behaviors that would show that same respect and honor?
Are you settling for qualities that you do NOT want to live with the rest of your life?

You want love, but are you settling?

Settling has a negative connotation, doesn't it?  It's not a peaceful, satisfying acquiescence to a condition; it is an unsatisfied, gotta take what you can get sort of decision.

Are you afraid no one else will want you?  Do you think that a new love who pays attention to you, but is often rude or angry, is the one you must accept for love because another chance at a relationship may never happen?

Do you allow someone to make you battle feeling belittled?  Stupid?  Your ideas are unimportant?  They won't admit to a deed when your feelings have been hurt?  They won't discuss a painful occurance to you, because ultimately, it means they have to confess a wrong doing or an actual sin against you?  He or she can be flirtatious with the opposite sex, but if you even greet a friend of the opposite sex with a hug, you are being inappropriate?

If any of these questions cause you to say, "Yes," then move on my friend.  Stand up and love yourself.

Tell yourself you are WORTH loving, respecting, and treating well.   Do NOT believe the lie that no one else will want you, or take you as you are, so you must accept rude behavior, callous comments, belittling words, or disrespect in any form.

Love yourself as God loves you.   He has given you value by creating you in His Image, and by letting His son die for you.  This world is full of brokenness caused by the fall of man, not God....but, there are men and women who choose wise, loving, honorable behaviors who can fall in love with you so that you have NO need to giving in to a relationship that will always hurt you.

Now, please, do not get me wrong. In any relationship, there will be moments of weakness, hurt feelings, and words for which someone must apologize. But, if those words and behaviors are the NORM, and not the abnormal, and someone does not want to discuss those things in order to apologize for them, then RUN to the nearest exit and wait for the BEST for you. 

You are worth waiting for the best.  Each of us has a best.  Look yourself in the face as you gaze in a mirror, tell yourself you are worth more than gold; you will not SETTLE for less than a love that thrills your heart, encourages your spirit, makes your soar with delight in your soul,  and gives you smiles at every thought of it.

Do NOT allow your heart to be ruled by a love that causes you to need to walk on eggshells in order to keep someone else happy, non-argumentative, and nice to you.  Choose healthy, sound love.  Be aware of any words or behaviors that send red flags flying before you eyes.  Yield to those red flags.  Don't let them keep waving over you, flaring in your face - lower those flags and walk away.

You are worth all the efforts and the sense of temporary loss you might experience as you choose to wait for a better love.

Wait for the best. 

Settle for nothing less.

I love you, friends....Gayle

Valentine's Day Schmalentine's Day

February 14th.  The 45th day of the year.  Just another day, really.  Hallmark Holiday.  There is not a law in humanity that says we must celebrate how wonderful love and relationships are on this particular day.  But......

Societal pressures abound.  Where do you go that you do NOT get inundated with cards, chocolates, flowers, hearts hanging from every surface - all in colors of pink, white and shades of red.  You must profess your love and affection for the object of said love and affection.

What if you don't have one?  What if you have no special love for whom to buy a heart shaped box of chocolate?  No one to whom you can send a romantic card?  No one who will send you one?  No flowers arriving at your door via FTD delivery man?

Well.  Let's not despair.  Really.  It's possible not to do so.  We can decide not to mope about this lack of romantic interest in our lives, or we can mope, eat a whole box of chocolates ourselves that we bought for ourself.  Which will it be?

We single folks can also decide to celebrate a day that focuses on love with all those we love in ways other than romantic.  Myself?  I bought cards for my  kids, and for other single friends who will not have romantic cards sent to them.  My cards will tell them how precious they are as friends.  My children will also get individual notes in each of their cards, letting them know how unique each one of them is and how desperately I love them.

Another terrific idea would be to have a fabulous party...a wine tasting, a potluck, a dessert extravaganza...for all your single friends, or folks who don't have family near.  Just having an excuse for fellowship is a terrific way to celebrate the holiday of love.

If you don't have friends, or some family you'd have for a party...how about  giving a card or chocolate to your neighbor, a co-worker, a pastor, an old teacher, a nursing home resident, your mailman or paper delivery boy. Someone in your life would love attention on Valentine's Day as much as you would appreciate it.  Give, celebrate loving people like Jesus does.

Speaking of Jesus, could there be any greater love to celebrate than His?  Is He not the best Valentine there is?  If you will be alone on February 14th, why not make yourself a special dinner, a glass of wine, a treat for dessert - and then sit and rejoice in the Father's love for you, in the gift of Jesus to your life - listen to worship music, dance in your kitchen, light candles...and celebrate the most fabulous love in your life. The truest lover of your soul; Jesus.

You are His Beloved, His Bride..He sings over you with delight when you are His.

Love to you My Valentine's...really.....

We are not alone...we have each other as we are on this quest called, 'Single'. 

What Did You Learn About Yourself In Your Divorce?

The other day, I wrote a bit about  moving on into a new relationship
after a divorce.  But, since then, I have had a few more thoughts that
I'd like to add to those of my earlier post.

Before considering a new relationship, take the time to contemplate
yourself.  What have you learned about YOU while going through your
divorce?  What are the things about you that proved to be strengths?
Weaknesses?  As you faced each hearing, each trial, each confrontation
with your former spouse, each email or phone call, how did you react?
How did you recover from each activity that brought stress for you?



 There are dozens of questions you could ask yourself...and every one
 is worth asking.



The reason I suggest this is so that you will examine the health of
your heart, mind, body and soul.  You don't want to head into a
relationship with old illness of heart lingering, or soul woes still
clinging to you.  It is vital that you have been on a healing road
that has originated from discovering your weaknesses, the actions and
attitudes that existed in your former relationship that need to be
changed or removed from your habits altogether, and honestly assessing
the actions you will NOT repeat and those you will continue to carry
out in relationships.


 Let's consider a couple typical areas of relational dynamics that you
might want to examine.  Think about your past behaviors and responses
to your former spouse.  Were you co-dependent?  Did you always try to
make excuses for your spouses behavior?  Did you walk on eggshells to
make peace at home?  Did you give up much of your hobbies,
your friends, your interests, your SELF in order to make your spouse
feel okay about himself or herself?  If so, then this is an issue you
from which you want to learn some powerfully needed lessons and new
thinking patterns.  Get counseling for such unhealthy living styles
and habits.  Realize your need to be free to think, breathe, relax and
live vibrantly in your own home..in your own skin, even.  When you are
strong enough to stand for yourself in such ways, then you have
learned well and are ready to move into a relationship.  Until then,
don't.  You may very well repeat the same unhealthy, very negatively
charged behaviors in your next relationship.

How about perfectionism?  Have you seen any of that in yourself as
you've considered yourself in your last relationship?  Are you
expecting perfection from a person?  Won't happen. Realize that the
Heavenly Father shows you an abundance of mercy and compassion. Be
willing to pass it on to your next mate.  I'm not speaking in
contradiction to the above paragraph about co-dependence.  I am
speaking of true mercy where needed. The kind in which you don't
pressure someone to be YOUR version of them.


 Happiness?  Let's think about you and your happiness.  Have you looked at yourself and made sure you will never, ever, ever again think anyone but you can make you happy?  Examine your past relationship.
Were you painfully disappointed in your spouse because he or she never made you happy?  Did you look outside yoruself for a source of happiness?  Happy begins with you; in you.  There is nothing outside of you that can make you happy.  No one can do this for you. 

The Heavenly Father has abundantly blessed us with peace, provision, serenity. refuge, grace, mercy, salvation - in this state, we are so rich.  Happiness can be found when we recognize these things from God, but also become comfortable in our own skin, our own gifts, talents, in our own self.  Until you realize that you alone are responsible for your happiness, you are not ready for another relationship.  You will need too much from someone, and they will always be a disappointment to you as you seek something which cannot be found in them. 

Look inside you.  Look for happy there. It cannot be found outside of you.   Develop this wonderful art of being happy as you thank God for YOU, for your life, your heart, your creativity, your graciousness, your personality...you are wonderful, well equipped for life, and fabulous.  Be happy in these truths about you.  Delight in simplicity, the sun on your face or the rain droplets on your tongue. Either way, you can be happy.  No person can give that to you.  You must hide these treasures within yourself. When you get to that private, pleasurable place in your heart, then you are ready to share life with another person. 

Come, ask, "What have I learned about ME in this adventure called divorce," join me in the search of the heart, the discovery of the best self available....and let's become that fabulous person, ready to live singley, or share life with another.  Either way, we are good.
Love you, Gayle