Can you trust again after having been lied to over and over again in a past relationship? Can you rest in promises made? Can you believe the words spoken to you, and rest in the heart of the one speaking them to you because you know he or she is worthy of your trust and will not lie to you like others have done before?
It is hard work to make the choices to say 'yes' to the questions above. Lied to once and trust is broken. Lied to often and trust is destroyed. Your mind is determined to protect you, to keep you from being screwed over again, betrayed again, made a fool of again.
I'm not talking about being lied to so a gift is kept secret; or plans for date night are kept quiet. I'm not even talking about the 'lie' that says, "Yes, thank you for that great gift, it was so kind of you to do that for me," when in reality you hate that olive green sweater knitted for you by Grandma Joe.
Lies that cover clandestine activities, communications, behaviors that would harm your relationship or your heart are the lies of which I speak. These are the ones that do the lasting damage. The damage that means healing will be required along with forgiveness.
Sometimes, and this is hard to write, it is just best to admit that feelings towards another person have come into a relationship; or confess, the action done that will hurt and will cause a huge fight, than to let it go months and months and finally admit you have been lying all along. Ask anyone who discovers an affair that has gone on for months, or an addiction that has gone on for years - they will tell you they wish they had known from the beginning. Let there be a huge argument at the outset, let there be a major upset because of disappointment and heartache. It will never match the one that will come when long term lying is exposed.
And do not blame someone else for your lie nor accept responsibility for another's deceit. How often have you heard, "I knew you'd react like that, so I didn't tell you!! You get out of control, so I didn't tell you. You always blow up, so I wasn't going to tell you."
Yeah. The lie is your fault because you would get upset. Hmmm....as if the deed done wasn't worth hurting over, either. You are the reason the other person HAD to lie. In the liar's mind, the lie was so necessary, he or she stops even believing a lie was even told. And you feel guilty somehow for being such a weak person that another had to lie to you in order to be in relationship with you. Yep. Been there. Done that.
Have you?
Lies about deeds aren't the only ones that destroy relationships. The other kind are the ones you are told over and over again that condition your thinking. "You are so stupid," "No one can stand to be around you," "All your friends have told me what they really think of you, and they agree with me that you are ridiculous," "You are ruining the kids. They will be mentally and emotionally destroyed because of you," "God can't love you because you are so messed up."
Sometimes, truth is hard to find when lies come at you so regularly. You begin to agree with the lies. You begin to be controlled by them. This is the longing of the liar. To control you. To condition you. To make you the guilty party. To make the lie your fault. To isolate you from friends and family that you need in your life. To keep you in fear.
Digging out of the pit, and it is a deep one, is hard work.
Thinking on truth can be a herculean task. Getting the liar out of your life may be the first humongous, earth shattering work you must do. I won't even discuss here the work of changing a relationship, divorcing, moving away from a dangerously unhealthy person in your life; that article could literally be a book, would completely enforce the idea of getting wise counsel for a very long time to help you through the work of that, and is a long term effort for sure.
What I want to focus on is the immediate task of making a hard choice to trust.
First, trust yourself. Trust God's word about you. When it comes to those lies about your character, your value, your quality - the truth has to become a focus for you or you will not thrive. If you need to find a good counselor, do so. If you need to post notes about you around the house, on mirrors, in books, on the refrigerator to remind you of your value, then do it. You are worthy of the blood of Christ being spilled for YOU; you are created in the image of God, being changed, daily, into the impress of Jesus - you are incredible. Believe such truths, not the lies that have filled your thinking for too long.
Now, the other trust...of people. Of a new love. That is a whole other level of moving onward and upward in your healing work. Believe me, I know.
Give yourself time before moving into a romantic relationship. Build strong friendships, get counseling, get to know the new, stronger you. Do not let the acceptance or attention of another love be the source of your healing and strength. These are some quick, basic statements, but powerfully needed ones. Reread this paragraph if you must; but believe the words, think deeply on them and take them to heart. They are vital bits of advice to be received and practiced before entering a relationship where trust will be required.
Breathe. Breathe. Enter a new relationship slowly. Know you will be challenged to accept the words of your new 'interest' as faithful ones. You will need to be aware of choosing a mate of strong, godly character; one of virtue and morality who values faithfulness even in a relationship where you end up as merely platonic friends. If you are thinking soundly, even romances that don't 'work out' will remain good relationships for you because the people were healthy, quality ones who will become good friends to you over the years, and you to them.
An important action I have had to learn in my own life and new marriage, is not to project my fear onto my husband. It is necessary in a new relationship to share, "Hey, I hate to admit this, but I am feeling anxious, scared you will just disappear on me. You have done nothing to perpetuate this sensation - your deeds give me no reason for alarm - but inside of me is the pattern of thought that is making me nutso right now."
Yep, sometimes you just have to admit such ridiculous sounding, but very real thinking. Notice I said 'real thinking' not truthful thinking. You may have these thoughts, but that does not make them truth for your relationship, currently.
See, being honest about your own feelings, is different than making an accusation against your new relationship partner. Telling him or her you are anxious is VERY different than projecting on to them a deed they have NOT committed, making them feel a need to defend themselves when they have done nothing. This is NOT healthy for relationships. Believe me, I know.
I hate to admit that, but I know from experience. Ugh.
One of the reasons I suggest getting counseling, or finding good strong friends, especially if your life of lies lead you to be isolated from others, is because you need to know you are not alone. A life of lies filling your head is usually full of such beliefs as 'you are all alone', 'no one cares', 'no one else is as pitiful as you'. Bull Caca!
You are worthy of friends, you can have people who care. This is important for you to know and to do - get into friendships - so that as you enter a new romantic relationship, you can know you will have support should you face pain again. You must know you have support when you are walking with a new mindset of trust. It is scary territory when you have been wounded by lies for a long period of time. Stepping out, taking actions of trust, is far less frightening when you are assured of strong friends or counsel should you face any setbacks, whether they be setbacks in your own emotional health, or even another relational blow if you happen to meet up with a new 'lying loser'.
Choose to trust. Getting hurt - well, it hurts. But, good relationships are worth the work, the healing, and the energy they bring to life. Just remember, YOU must get some strength first. You must learn to TRUST yourself and your own instincts about what is healthy for you, who is healthy for you - and what and who are NOT.
My prayers are truly consistent, as I write, for the folks who will read these posts. I so long for others to know healing, growth, and newness in life. God does, indeed, want us to prosper in life - and I do NOT mean house, land, and the lottery. I mean, He does long for us to walk in peace, truth, wholeness. These are the most vital of prosperous gains.
My love to you, friends.
Gayle
