Old dogs must, indeed, learn new tricks. Let's see, if I am to refer to myself in this post as an old dog, I think I want to be a Yorkie, or a PomPoo, ooh, or a Pomsky...something cute, froofroo, soft, tiny, snuggable, lovable, and kissable. Either that or a beautiful chocolate lab. If I have to learn new 'tricks' for growth, survival, health, and renewal, I want to do so in as adorable a suit of myself as I possibly can.
The new tricks. What are they? I'm just learning some of them, and I am by no means a great magician. I'd like to perform new tricks with the same aplomb as David Copperfield, but, alas, I think I most likely appear with the grace that Archie Bunker might display as he tries to slice a woman in half, or swallow a flaming torch. Get the picture. Yep.
On to the tricks. What are they? The one I'm learning now is this: live in the new reality. Ta da. Five simple words. But the will power and endurance needed for it is in the realm of supernatural some days. Those of you who have been single or widowed after enduring much suffering and pain, much violation of your soul, and destruction of your self worth, value, and belief in yourself, know that past reality very easily meanders into your current life or relationship. Your entire being.....heart, skin, mind, stomach, lungs...respond to daily situations in today's reality as though they will produce the same pain, stress, fear, and trauma of yesterday's, yestermonth's, yesteryear's. Every broken relationship produces pain. I completely acquiesce to that truth. And it is truth. But, not all broken relationships, or divorces, or reasons for singlehood, have included the words that destroy, the onslaught of a voice daily telling you of your ugliness of soul, the waste you are of breath, the mess you make of others' lives. After many years of words like these, the soul has been shaped by them. Worthlessness, ugliness, gracelessness - these are reality to you.
This is the reality I speak of when I say you must live in a new one. You may not realize the need is within you until you are in a new relationship or married again, as I am. When you are told you are beautiful, you wince, sure that those words are a lie or that they are spoken merely to get you to do some deed wanted by the speaker. When you meet your spouse's old friend of the opposite sex, you are sure that person will be included in some joke about you by your spouse just to put you on the spot. When an argument about any silly old topic arises, your immediate thoughts jump to the old truth that you will not be listened to, respected, heard, cared for - and just as badly, you will be mocked, laughed at, have eyes rolled at you, belittled, told of how awful your character tends to be, and how much you need to get your spiritual self in order.
Breathe. Breathe. Just thinking of these things makes my heart start to race.
When the intense sensation of stress or pain arises in these situations, I must stop and think. What is happening in this very moment? Why do I feel the way I do? This person is NOT attacking me as I am accustomed to being attacked? But, my heart is pounding; I want to run: I want to put my dukes up and be ready for a fight of the most intense emotional brawl type. Wait. No. Breathe. Do NOT push the feeling away. What is it? What is its source? Am I being hurt now or does this conversation or event just bring memories right up to my hair follicles? Breathe. Do NOT blame your partner or friend. Feel the feeling, but do not act upon it. Recognize it for what it is: your past reality. Cry. Pray. Breathe. Journal. Accept it is a truth you lived. You live it no longer now that you are free from that past.
Please know I am NOT saying this is an easy set of steps. It is beyond wrong, even biblically wrong, to just tell someone to get over something, to just move on. Weeping happens. Mourning happens. Facing fear and dealing with it must happen. Saying to just move on is not compassionate and unwise. Being disgusted with yourself is not wise either. Validate the truth that you are a person in the long process of healing. Impatience with that only makes it much worse. I am also NOT advocating sitting in a slough of despondency. But take time to face the feelings, account for them, mourn in them, call them what they are - anger, fear, betrayal pain, lied to over and over again pain - ask yourself what these feelings are doing; say they are real; ask yourself what you are going to do with the feelings; make a decision on what you will do and how you will face them each time they arise.
Taking your thoughts captive requires a great strength of mind and heart. I know that if you are mentally, spiritually, and emotionally weary and worn, that strength seems beyond your grasp. Find a patient, trusted friend who will always speak truth to you and remind you of your new reality. Tell them you know it is difficult to keep helping you, that you do NOT intend to stay in this place or to manipulate attention from it, but let them know you need their counsel to guide you to the path of your new, true reality. Until you are strong, this might be your best source of healing.
Reminding yourself each time pain leaps out at you, when you are least expecting, or wanting it, will come more and more quickly as you strengthen your inner self, your sense of value, and your definition of yourself as a loved, lovable, and precious human being. Be patient with yourself, even if others are not. I know I don't NEED to say it again, but I'm going to: this is not free license to swim in pity pools. It is a gift of relief from guilt that you hurt, that panic attacks arise when you never want them to because you feel the old reality is present with you now. You are working towards the time when these things will happen so rarely you almost chuckle at them. It just isn't time yet. That is okay. Don't let anyone tell you you must be there. You are not a toy. You are not play dough easily shaped at a whim. You are a human soul in the healing forge.
Don't be afraid to do the work of this process. An old dog leaning a new trick requires patience from his master. Let's give ourselves, and those we love, that same gift. And remember, as you recognize your NEW reality, see your new partner, husband, or friends in that same new light. They are not part of your old reality, either. Don't hold them captive to it anymore than you want to be.
Woof, woof. I love you, Friends.
Gayle
