The Candy Man Can

A dear and precious friend shared an allegorical tale with me the other day.  We had been discussing our longings and heart aches, wondering how the heavenly Father sees and handles them all.  This wonderful and creative lady created an image of God’s work in our lives. Let me see if I can build creatively on her story and encourage you by it as I was so wonderfully that day.

The Candy Man Can

The walk to The Treasured Sweets Shoppe is on a path so worn by us, that our eyes could be closed and we’d still make it right to the spot outside the window of the shop.  My friend and I have made the journey from home to our place against the glass every single day for the last few years. 

But, we’ve never gone in the shop. We’re not sure we’re allowed inside.  When we stand outside the shop with our faces pressed against the shiny window, we see kids of all sorts inside. Each one is smiling and laughing. The Candy Man keeps serving them treats from trays that are laden with chocolates, caramels, and candies.  Some in the corner even get ice cream sundaes with whipped cream piled so high it goes up their noses.  They laugh while they lick it off with up curled tongues.  It all looks so delicious.

And the Candy Man looks so nice.  Every now and then, He seems to look towards the window and smile at us.  But, we never know if He means we should come inside, or if maybe He just smiles to be nice, but really wishes we’d get our messy noses off His sparkling clear glass. 

He shares with the children so freely.  It’s funny, but we notice He doesn’t let the kids paw their hands all through the treats.  He looks all around His trays and seems to pick out the perfect treat He wants them to enjoy.  My mouth waters and I swallow hard sometimes when I see kids take the first bite of the delicacies offered to them.

Most of the kids inside seem thankful, and that makes the Candy Man so happy.  He rubs their heads with His big smooth hand.  I can almost feel what His hand would feel like on my shoulder when I see Him caress one of the kids on their own shoulders or arms.  I bet it feels warm and soft.  He seems like He’s always gentle.  Even when some of the kids drop their treats, or drip melted ice cream on the floor, He doesn’t’ get angry.  He just gently cleans up the messes, and serves more to those sloppy kids. 

There are a couple of kids who my friend and I notice don’t seem thankful for their sweets.  Boy, would we like to change places with them. We’d for sure be thankful.  That’s what we say to each other as we gaze through the glass.  The Man seems sad when kids aren’t thankful. When we watch Him, it doesn’t look like He scolds them at all, but He sure has a look on His face that says, ‘Sadness’.

We walk home every day wondering when we can go in the Treasure Shop.  It’s so frightening to wonder if the Candy Man would never want us inside.   What if He threw us out and said that only certain kids could come in and enjoy His special treasures?  Standing outside the glass, longing forever, would be easier than having Him tell us we can never come inside.  Sometimes, we get so scared of that thought, we are afraid that maybe we should just never go back.  Maybe this would keep the Man from ever rejecting us.

But, our hearts pull us to the Shoppe every day.  Our faces press on the glass, the steam from our breath clouding the glass so that we have to wipe it with our palms over and over again. 

Oh, look at today’s tray of goodies.  They look so much more rich than we’ve ever seen.  I don’t even recognize the chocolates.  Truffles, maybe?  I’ve heard of those, but I don’t know what they are.  The Candy Man isn’t passing those out, yet.

Uh, oh.  The Man is looking at us a lot today.  We are wondering if we should just back up and leave.  Are we making His glass too messy today?  He’s never scowled or anything, but today He keeps looking up at us.  Oh, no. He just put that  extra special looking tray back in the glass case and He’s walking towards the door.

My friend is shaking and my heart is beating so hard I think He can hear it through the glass.  I know she wants to run like I want to run, but it is too late.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling.

The bell rings as the Candy Man opens the door and steps outside.  Neither of us look up at Him. We just keep looking down at our feet now.

“My precious Children, would you like to come inside today?” He gently asks.

We both slowly turn our faces to Him. Did He just invite us in to share His treats?

“Little Ones, I’ve been watching you for so long.  I have not ignored your looks of longing.  You’ve been so patient, watching the others enjoy my treasures.  I could tell you wanted to be able to take part in them, too, but you’ve stayed outside the glass.  It’s been so long you’ve stood there.  Are you ready to share in my delicacies?  I’m ready to share with you now.”

My heart is still beating wildly.  The Candy Man is, indeed, speaking to us with love and an invitation. He isn’t shooing us away.  He isn’t telling us we can’t have what the others have been enjoying.  I can feel my friend’s  hand shaking in my own.  She squeezes me tightly. 

“Beloved, I’ve been waiting for just the right time to invite you in.  I knew you’d always be grateful for any treats. But, I’ve been saving a very exotic array of delicacies just for the day you’d be allowed in.  I ordered them especially for you on the first day you pressed your tiny faces against my glass.  These treasures are so costly and rare that they have taken many, many days to arrive.  I’ve not given them to the others.  Today, I want to give them to  you.  I am looking so forward to watching you as you gratefully delight in every single morsel that touches your tongue. For, I know this will, indeed, be your response to My long awaited treasures for you.”

“Come in, please.  Let me take you both to a spot waiting just for you.”

We both take one of His hands.  Yes, they are just as warm and soft as I imagined His hands would be.  When we get inside, He lets go of our hands, and we grab on to each other.  The smells in the Candy Shoppe are overwhelming. Such sweet aromas, such richness.  It is hard not to cry, it is all so powerful to every sense we possess. 

We slowly walk towards the glass counter where behind it the Man has stepped.  He takes out that tray; the one we saw earlier with all the exotic indescribable chocolates on it.  With His big, gentle hand, He slowly picks just the perfect one for each of us.  I noticed He gave my friend a different chocolate than my own, but once I tasted mine, I didn’t care.

I was overcome.  The sweetness, the delight, the joy…this treasured delicacy was like nothing I’d never tasted.  He’d had it planned for me all along. He said so. He was just waiting for the perfect day to invite me in to partake of it.  I stood outside that glass, thinking He didn’t even care whether I was there or not. I thought He noticed me, but didn’t know me.  He did know me all along.  He knew the treat that would be like gold to me. 

He planned to delight my heart all along.   And He knew my friend just as well. I watched her slowly nibble away on her sweet treat, and she was just as thrilled with hers as I was with mine.  And we were so happy for each other.  Together, we had walked the path of yearning, and together, we saw and felt The Candy Man reach out to us in our deepest longing moment, draw us in to His treasured place and feed us the richest of fare, prepared and planned just for us.

The Man never took His eyes and heart from us, even when we had no clue He noticed.  He was always noticing.

And He’s always noticing.

Father, thank you that you are far beyond any Candy Man, but, this imagery makes me love you more desperately.  Thank you for always noticing my yearnings and planning for them far in advance of my own notice.

Abundant Opportunity

That title sounds like a good one, doesn't it?  Kinda makes your heart leap with excitement for some treasure awaiting, money to be earned, advancement to be gained, or job to be won. 

Think again.  I'm not talking at all about those sorts of opportunities.  My mind is set on stress today.  Not just my own. 

I have had letters from others going through stresses, pains, challenges and the hard times this earthly life offers in spades.  A friend ust lost a child, another lost health insurance and needs it, another wants to move forward in her single life, but her children are not understanding the transitions of such a move.  Multiple folks I know are battling cancer, marital discord, sick children, job loss, home foreclosure, and financial loss at exorbitant amounts.  There is no end to the stress that hovers over the globe.  Personally, locally and globally.

So, abundant opportunity.

To tell you the truth, sometimes I get so sick of stress, I have absolutely NOOOO desire to see it as an opportunity.  I just want to rant and rave a bit, maybe yell a few strings of powerful words...like 'Bugger', or some such verbal angst...I want to chew up my stress and spit it out.  Situations that are tough suck.  There is just no feminine way to express it.  I could say they  'vacuum', since vacuums suck. 

Nope, they suck.  They are tiresome, wearisome, burdensome and cumbersome. And some more of that, too.

Yeah, I just said that.  So, the word 'some' felt good at the moment.

I'm getting sarcastic now, which shows you where my  mind is today.  NOT in the opportunity mode, that is for sure.

But, Scripture speaks to me that as I think, so will I be.  That a transformed life comes from a renewed mind.  Hmmmmm....what's it called? 'Stinkin' Thinkin'!!!!

Abundant opportunity does exist in the stresses - my own and the kind I know my friends are facing today.  A dear friend went to awaken a child from what she thought was sleep, and found her daughter unresponsive. Now, that mom is in an emergency room with her daughter.  What opportunity exists there?  Prayer, trust, complete humility before God, receiving love from others. 

Another dear gal I know is wrestling with singlehood.  It can be fantastic, freeing, delightful. But, it also brings loneliness, exclusion from certain activities, aging alone, no children, constant comments and gossip from overly concerned onlookers who are sure you need a man or a woman.  The desire to just hide can be powerful in such situations...or stay out of the public eye. You don't want to go to church functions, the grocery store, Christmas plays.  And heaven forbid that you go to something of a 'dating' nature, like a movie, a play, a concert, or a fine restaurant.  What?  No Date????!!!  It strains at credulity, it does.

And it's painful.  What opportunity awaits there?  Trust, tears before the Lord, complete humility, knowing God like others do not because He is all you have, making friends of the sort married people cannot enjoy, freedom to serve and enrich your life with activities of your choosing or God's leading.

Cancer...what could possibly be opportunistic about that!!!??  Even the word is stressful and causes blood pressure to rise.  But, I've watched some really grace filled men and women bring absolute glory to God as they declare Him to be there strength in the war against cancer.  They have long extended prayer time as they take chemo; they write notes and cards for others; they can do nothing, but trust, because fretting does not one lick of good.  Not one.  One opportunity given is the chance to set all relationships straight.  A friend who had brain cancer made sure every word he wanted said was said, every apology made, and every relationship brought to right.  He knew death was coming as a certain visitor, so he acted on the opportunity to leave this world with all his relationships right before God.

I'm sitting here wondering how God wants me to be opportunity minded in my stress.  No one is dying at my house.  Giving thanks for such circumstances should be a response I have to that thought.  But, even more, in all the stress and confusion over finances, house selling, where to move, looking for higher paying work, etc. etc. etc. etc...I want to focus on how much my Father in heaven loves me.  I know for certain that the walk of faith is being forged into my limbs.  My feeble legs are being strengthened. 

Over the past few years of legal battles, marital loss, relationship changes, financial hassles, slander to my name, single parenting, homeschooling, et al. I have been weary beyond description.  Collapse has felt possible on more than a few occasions.  Yet, if I look at myself now and then take a gander back a few years, I can see very clearly that I was opportunity minded. God has been doing great things in me; strengthening my spirit, my faith and my hope.  He has filled me with such a love for others, I can't believe it.  Even when I was not aware of the abundance occuring in me, God was doing it.

Give yourself a break. Take a look at your stresses, try to see them as opportunities, but DO NOT go into I should, I should, I should mode.  Pretty soon,  you'll should all over yourself.  No...let God do the work of the abundance in you that will be a product of being still before Him in stress.

I have a tattoo on my shoulder with the numbers: 46:10. It is a constant reminder to Be Still and Know that God is God.  Those numbers rest inside a crescent moon which has a sun inside its curve. It is meant to show the reflection of the sun in the moon.  On a walk one day, when the moon shone in front of me, and the sun was bright behind me, I realized the moon is vital but gets all its glory and light as it reflects the light of the sun.  Well, guess what God said to me that day!!

"Gayle, your job is to reflect my son.  You are vital. The things happening in your life are vital.  But, unless you let me be your strength and glory, all those things will be futile.  Don't waste any moments of stress or joy.  Let them be mine to fill you with abundance and let my 'light' be reflected in you."

Father, you are always amazing..and always abundant towards me.

I love you.

Disguised as Heartache

A popular Christian song out right now is 'Blessing' by Laura Story.  It's powerful to say the least. The music is beautiful, moving - but the lyrics are the intensity of this song's emotive force.  And when I say 'emotive', I do NOT mean it is merely an emotional movement that the hearer experiences.  If allowed to, the lyrics will take you to a place deep in your spirit, the place where you yield your will to the heavenly Father's.   

Before I go on, I want to share the lyrics of Laura Story's moving song: 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

If music moves you as it does me, you will need to pull over in your car to the side of the road if this plays while you are driving. 

I recently shared this song with a dear man, whom I deeply respect, and I am not so sure it ministered to him in any way, shape, or form.  He'll let me know if I'm wrong, he's that kind of guy.  But, I think to him this song said that God is going to bring trauma and pain into your life to create goodness deep within....that we should see our trials as God saying they are the means he'll show his love, by letting you suffer, not taking it all away, and hoping you get the message in it all.  I'm sorry if I am interpreting my friend's point wrong..I'll print a retraction, or explanation....or he may post a response, if I'm not right.

I see this song as something so different.  Life on earth is so full of pain, heartache, stress, trauma, delight, messes, crap and sucky things.  God never one time promised us He would remove them just because we trust in Him. Perfection is for heaven...for eternity.  Not for earth.  Our Christianity only makes us able to face each trial with hope..hope for eternity, knowledge of the truth that there is a better day coming.

But, in the meantime, each trial, each tear...each day of mourning..can be a step along the pathway that leads us to the feet of Jesus, to His image in us, to knowing Him.  Isn't that the goal all along?  Believe me, I know the pain of being challenged about my desire for eternal good versus this earth.  When I think of being married again to a great husband, I am challenged to wonder about eternal happiness rather than earthly happiness.  Challenged to consider one thousand years from now after having lived for God's glory alone, rather than a few short eighty years here on earth lived for my glory. 

I know the pain of such a thought and a challenge.  I'm not saying AT ALL that having delight on earth is wrong.  No way!!! Don't believe it.    What I am saying, is the absence of delight is not a measuring stick of God's love for you and His work in your life. 

What if shattered dreams were the pathway to greater dreams that have their source in Him?  I'm challenged to this question by Larry Crabb in Shattered Dreams.   What if, instead of thinking of crappy moments, tears, days of sorrow and heartache as some horrible, nasty time to trudge through with lamen,t we instead think of them as dark nights of the soul that lead us to the light of knowing Jesus more, of knowing God cares for every hurt and ache, He weeps over us with love, He yearns for our trust in Him, our trust that He has a greater good...He doesn't give us our desire for lesser things when He knows they pale in comparison to His desires and plans for us?  What if?

None of these thoughts is shared tritely.  I assure you of this.  My life's story is filled with traumas and aches that led me to become a trembling woman on the side of a bed, daily rocking back and forth, begging God for deliverance.   Really.  So, as I write, it is not as one who knows no heartache enough to be able to speak from the place you may feel now, or in the recent past, or near future. 

Know that the Father in heaven can redeem every loss in this life; make it of incalculable worth for eternity - which is quite a bit longer than our eighty or so years on earth.  Hard to fathom, heh?

Pain is pain, heart ache, trauma, sucky things, crappy feelings, anger comes .......but, we get to choose if we let God turn tears to His work of Mercy; or trials to His blessings of lessons learned, compassion gained, characteristics of Jesus made known in us....or do we get bitter and angry at Him.

 Will we see through the disguise?

Finding yourself again

Going on a sabbatical to 'find myself' is not my kind of trip.   Plus, the trip would have to be a really long one.   I'm not into the psychobabble of finding myself in order to make excuses for some newfound, zany activity or attitude.  What I am discovering is that after having been defined by marriage and its accompanying heartache I need to discover who I am, what I like, my passions, pursuits, etc. so I can move forward as the newly set free to be healthy ME.

How many of us go through the painful days of a very battle filled marriage, a home full of strife that is constant, and the abuse to our souls that causes the death of our very selves. And for those of you who have been in those arenas, you know I do not speak with dramatic flair for effect. Death of the soul is a given if one is to survive physically in such circumstances. 

It is so easy, and often necessary, to just give up oneself to survive in daily trauma.  If a man or woman cannot leave such a situation, or does not presently see a way of escape or rescue, then staying and surviving are the two most valid choices. Even walking in great faith and hope does not always change circumstances enough to make them bearable.  Abuse is abuse, no matter how spirit filled one tries to be. And being a Christian does not take away such pain.  It gives hope for eternity in such situations, but it does not ease them. 

God never promised it would. 

As people give themselves over to a relationship in healthy means, then a wonderful, thriving couple can develop over the years into a companionship and love that is the most powerful force on earth. But, giving oneself over to an unhealthy relationship can be the most powerfully devastating act of life as the antithesis of the former.

People become defined by the trauma and stress of life.  There is no 'I', 'me', 'my', no personal interests, no hobbies, no rest and relaxation without always keeping one eye open, no personality strengths, no favorite foods or colors.  One forgets such things in survival mode.  When stress is constant, souls die.  Slowly, indiscernably -  like the frog heated in water to the boiling point....dead before he knows what hit him. 

This dark night of the soul comes subtly, like the powerful undertow of gorgeous Lake Michigan's shining surface. 

But, I'm here to say to you that resurrection is coming.  The soul defined by a painful past, a horribly hurtful marriage...it can be redefined, awakened and renewed.

What is your favorite color?  Have you experienced food that makes your senses tingle, or your facial surface tingle with the zest in the flavor?   Are you taking in sights, sounds, smells and touch like a newly awakened coma victim?  Do it!!!!

Go to the beach.  Listen to the waves. Smell the fishy smell of the spray and waves as they head toward shore.  Watch the gulls dive for a snatch of food left by a beach goer.  Feel the heat of the sun on your face, the brightness that seeps through closed eyelids.  Listen to music that stirs your passions..makes you think of a delightful lovemaking session, or a soulful time of worship before your heavenly Father.  Let music take you to dancing or playing air guitar.

Take a class. Teach yourself to paint. Sing in the car. Paint your nails and toenails, too.  Read any book you set your eyes upon.

Do whatever your heart leads you to do.  Taste what your tongue craves.  Listen to what your mind longs to absorb in music or sound.  Engage in healthy, soulful conversations with old friends, and new.  Debate theology.  Build that deck.  Start that business. Sell your house.  Use a dating site. 

Move ahead. Become the YOU God created you to be.  Find the ministry HE has designed for you, worship at His feet as HIS creation, His child as a believer; reach out to love others with all the love He put in you, but was stifled while you were merely surviving.

Be fabulous.  Be you. 

My favorite color is flaming burnt orange.  I want to wear as much of it as possible.  (No, I'm not dying my hair that color...)  I'm finding myself.  The definition of me, Gayle Hansen, will never again be boxed in by a marital measuring rod.  Me is who God designed me to be - with healthy boundaries, a forward thinking mind, a heart set on God alone as my guide, and passions He has put in me.

I love you, Lord.

I'm alive in YOU, and I find myself in who YOU created me to be.

Come find yourself in God with me.  It's a trip worth taking.
Let Him define you. 

A single mom's hardest day.....

Yesterday, I watched a dear friend, a single mom, carry the heaviest load any parent could ever bear.  She walked through the day as a grieving mother who had to release her son from  life.  She, in vain, did CPR for a half hour on a son she knew would never respond to it, but she could NOT let the chance go by that her efforts might make a difference.  This dear lady worked to physical exhaustion, but her might was not enough.  Her nineteen year old son was gone. 

I arrived at her home as the coroner left with the young man.  My stomach almost released its contents.  How would this mom press on? 

The rest of the day was spent making necessary phone calls, making food, doing dishes, going to pick up other children - who were miraculously gone during the trauma - that needed to be told the horrible news of their older brother's death; praying, and, eventually, just sitting together offering the sacrifice of praise in worship songs as we closed the day with singing around the dining room table.

I was more than humbled by the honor of being allowed to stay at the home, be with the family, to be given the chance to take part in their darkest hour, rather than be kept at arms length.  These people do not know the treasure they offered me in letting me share in their grief, letting me be exposed to the most raw and vulnerable moments their lives could endure.   My heart was overwhelmed by the grace I observed in the grieving mom, as she walked through the day.  Her heart was concerned for each of her other children.  She was worried about her ailing parents, the grieving grandparents of this young man.  Yes, she was in shock, she'd just seen and experienced horror beyond description; but it was not her shock that made her so gracious. This is a woman of faith; her strength was from  a heavenly Father that filled her with all she could not humanly have exhibited without His filling and upholding her.

The manifestation of HIM in HER was overwhelming. And real.

I watched miracles yesterday.  I witnessed moments like those we speak of when we say, "I don't know how I'd handle it......Oh, you only get grace for such moments when you really need it."   I saw those moments come to reality. Witnessing grace and strength for the time of need was poweful.  I saw God at work.  Tangibly. Visibly.  Within my grasp. 

My grieving friend is in the end of a very painful divorce.  Her life has been filled with heartache and trauma.  Nothing like yesterday, but, painful nonetheless.  Her former husband, the heartbroken father, was numb when we faced him with the news of his son's death.  But, harder than watching the grief on the faces of these two people, was watching them walk down a garden path to a home where their youngest daughters were staying to go deliver the news of their brother's death.  Those two parents, spouses no longer connected by love or companionship, walked with heads down, a foot apart, not able to reach out to each other with even a gentle stroke on the arm or shoulder. 

Their grief was palpable, raw, overwhelming. But, they could not share it.  There was no ability to minister to each other in it. 

This was the undoing of my emotions yesterday afternoon.  I had not sobbed before that moment.  It was not my place to take all sorts of tears to the house....I wept with this mom, I held her, prayed with her. But, I was not going to talk about how this whole idea of losing a child was 'hitting me'.  Not the time or place at ALL.  But, I let the tears fall heartily as I watched her walk away from me, with her former husband, yet so alone. 

At that moment, I became very aware of another facet of the gem called 'single parenting', 'single life'.  One of the parts not so pleasant.  Not so peaceful.  My heart felt sick for this precious woman, then.  And for every single parent that has done, or will do, the same walk of grief.

Oh, God, please give grace for every such moment.

Yet, she was not alone.  No, she did not have the support of a husband walking through her grief.  But, God has forged a bond between her, myself, and a band of Christian sisters who love each other with a fierce passion.  That bond was forged more powerfully yesterday.  As single women, we MUST seek and join ourselves to dear friends - ones who will journey along with us on every road we walk.  The group I mention is such a companion for the journey.

Some of us converged upon this mom's property as soon as the call of emergency was put out over phones and internet connections.  There was no asking if we should be there, no permission, no wondering...we just went.  Police officers were taken aback by the support shown.  They indicated that they don't usually see such a band of support in such situations as occurred at the home.  The counsel team said they definitely knew she and her family would need counseling and aid at some point after such a trauma, yet, they knew she had a support system unlike most they had ever seen.

What a treasure from God.  And what a blessing to me, at this very moment, to declare that I know those same ladies would flock together for me should I face such trauma. 

God was at work there yesterday.  The glory displayed in the love shown was absolutely astounding.  I watched grace at work.  The darkest day of this woman's life was not one she walked alone.  This lady was NOT alone. 

Oh, Father, thank you for such a gift for such a dear woman.  You love her more than we ever could, and You made us aware of that on August 16th, 2011.

I say to every single woman out there; immerse yourself in friends, enrich your life and love with people of faith, strength and grace, give yourself to them and open your life humbly to their care over you.  You will reap benefits beyond what money could afford.  The gain in your life as you give yourself, as you vulnerably open your life to them, as you receive their care and their open vulnerable selves as well, will be of more value than gold, diamonds, or precious treasures. 

Then, when you walk through the darkest days of life....death of a child, death of a parent, cancer, catastrophe, trauma of any sort....you will see the glory of God as He lays at your feet His tangible self in the form of those friends running to your door to hold onto you so you are NOT alone.

The Single parenting mode...

Okay, where do I go to resign?  I never once signed a single sheet of paper or legal work that committed me to single parenting!!!!  Who forged my name?  Somebody must have, because I have the job now. 

Dang. It's tough.  Where is my Superwoman cape?  Hurry, find me one fast.   Do those even come in my size?  I doubt it...large petite?  Is that an oxymoron?  Am I just a moron?  I'm feeling like one today.

Geepers, I never imagined parenting to be so difficult as it is now.  I am the sole legal and physical guardian of my children.  And in such a role, I feel as though I am under a microscope for examination, and often found to NOT be carrying out the role according to instructions.

What instructions is what I want to know?  Who said they had better ideas than me?  Who knows my family better than me?  Goodness. I'm weary from the second guessing of others.  I wear myself out enough with it, and am learning to NOT do it so often. But, then, when others add to it, my mind and heart are intensely wearied.

Well, Lord, I need wisdom and strength.

Single parenting is exhausting.  Powerfully, to the core, exhausting.  I never imagined......I'd have imploded had someone warned me and been able to show me the fatigue I would face.  Running away would have been a thought....and maybe, still could be....oops, no, not an option. Darn.

Kids all having needs at once, rebellious teens, discipline, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, paperwork for finances, school, camp; arguments, teen years, routine schedules....cars leaving the driveway every few minutes of the day....counseling appointments, hurt hearts, broken dreams, Army plans, wedding talk, girlfriend trouble, graduation openhouses, court battles,  etc. etc.  I'm tired.  And it doesn't end. There is no break from it all.

The job was not meant to be done alone.  I'm pretty sure that is why I'm extra tired. 

But, this is healthier than the alternative of a totally unhealthy dynamic in the home when I was married.  Seems odd to say that, but I'm at peace with it.

I often tell God I just can't do this, I wasn't made for this job.  He always reminds me of His power at work in me; always lets me know He is my strength when I am weak - oh, so weak; and He always reminds me that this world is not my true home...frustrations are only for a moment in light of eternity.  Troubles as a single parent, with rebelling teens, angry children, disappointed hopes...all these point me to the Best Parent in the world..another 'single parent'....my Heavenly Father. 

Every tear of frustration reminds me I need Him so much.  Every exhausted sigh is a breath upon His cheek as He holds me so closely to His chest and heart of love for me.

I love you, Papa God..you are the best when I am not.

I'm growing up...

Yep.  I'm growing up.  I've put my big girl panties on, and I'm dealing with life as it rolls right at me. For instance, today I manhandled a bat.    Or, is that 'woman handled'?  Either way,  there is now a bat smashed in a garbage bag at First Congregational Church in Stanton, Michigan. 

I was there doing some work for my new job when I walked into the children's library to do a little research on materials available.  I flipped on a light, walked a few feet into the room...saw a brown blob on the floor..."EEEEEKKKK, SAMUEL....help me, there is a bat in here!!!"

Calling my fourteen year old son didn't help me one bit.  He, and the other children I had with me, told me I was on my own!!!! So, take care of that bat, I did.  I have no idea if that bat was sleeping, or what state he was in ...but I took a broom and a large piece of wood trim to his backside and smashed a plastic bag over his body.  Now he's all tied up in the garbage.  I still shiver at the thought of scooping him up in the bag...ooey, soft body, stiff claws. But, I did it.  I conquered the beast.

Big girl panties were fully pulled up for that adventure.

All five of the youngest children are registered and ready for school to start in September.  I lived through that process, paper signing, transcript typing, meetings with counselors, principals, mopey teenager, and I'm still standing.  Or at least still alert and alive. For many of you, that is old news to handle school issues.  For me, it is a brand new adventure.  I've homeschooled for 23 years, remember.

My panties are getting lovelier....power panties, now...no more cotton...all lace.

I'm boldly meeting new people, setting good boundaries, learning my weaknesses by letting God expose me and my heart to myself - hearing His counsel on relationships.  More growing up, more dealing with real life.

Thank you, Father...your love is powerful in me.

As I have faced this past few days and even weeks, I can look back at them and see God's constant paving of the path before me.  He has prepared the way in each circumstance.  Phil's graduation party, listing the house, finding a great realtor in Spencer "Pep" Geisen, meeting new friends, great people at the schools, fantastic folks at work at the college, ease in registering the children, over and over again God has calmed my heart as I have seen Him stroll before me and line the way with His serenity and peace. Wow, God...you make me drop to my knees before you as I consider how much you must love me in order to do these things for me.

He has sent people to tell me they are praying for me; a small group of ladies - my Samsonite Sisters - to holler they all love me as they call from a cell phone at the top of our state; a sister who expresses love over and over again; people who have supplied finances for me as I have had expenses that need covering....oh, Father, you have shown me your watchful hand over me.  I've seen it with my eyes, felt it with my hands and heart. 

Thank you, Father...every good and perfect gift is from you...a nice counselor, a friendly principal, gas money from a friend, a coffee at McDonald's, a bat that put up very little fight for this frightened warrior, and your perfect love.

You're astounding, Father. Thanks.
Gayle

He goes before me....prepares the way

After 23 years of homeschooling my children, having graduated the first five with five more to go, I registered those last five kiddles in public school this past week. Whhhheeeeewwwww....you cannot imagine the angst this caused me.  Have a failed them? Could I have done a better job of organizing my time and life to handle teaching them at home?  Will they make 'the grade' in school?

On top of this change in life, the house is for sale, I've taken on two jobs I've mentioned before, and I've made a church change.  So much alteration to life.  Two kids are moving out, one going into the Army, another is starting college, ......it all feels like too much.  So, God offered me some ease in all the changes; some affirmations that we will be okay here in the Hansen household.

Friday, I went to the Central Montcalm school complex in Stanton.  I registered the elementary kiddles and picked up the paperwork for the older kids.  First, God sent Heather Guelzo for me.  She is the elementary school secretary, but also a gal I've known of for many years.  She walked me through the process of registration, grabbed my hand and told me 'this is going to be okay'.   Then, I met a counselor who was so compassionate to my concerns.

 Over the next couple days, I met principals, a board member, some students, was told of Bible studies held during lunch hour with local youth pastors, met little kiddos who loved, loved, loved the teachers my own children will have this fall....affirmation and confirmation just kept coming my way.

When I drove to the school Friday morning, I felt as though I could vomit. But, when I left the parking lot, I was rejoicing.  God had prepared the way for me. He had brought people into my path to assure me He was in this decision I've made, He's on my side, He's working for the family good, and He just plain old cares that I'm stressed over multiple changes taking place now.

Life is full of decisions that can make us drop to our knees with confusion, pressure and ambiguity.  If it is not our desire to sin, and none of the choices involves sin, then we don't always know which is the best, right, wisest, etc.  We just have to move forward.  Pray. Ask for wisdom. Then decide.  Nothing is set in stone.  Cement does not harden up around our choices most of the time, so if something does not work out, we can back up and try another direction.  We are allowed.  Personally, I need to learn to give myself permission to do this.

As I sit here writing now, I am just so thankful God knew that this particular decision about school for the kids was a biggie for me.  A crazy biggie.  He knew my need.  He met my need.

Each time I hear another comment, or get another insight, I am secretly delighted and having a party inside - knowing God has touched my cheek again, and said, "It's okay, Gayle. I'm going ahead of you.  I'll go ahead of the children, prepare the way, and lead you, and them, in love.  Trust me.  I love you."

God is just so grand.  He blows me away.

The Psalmist and Me

One of the things I love most about the Psalms of Scripture is how the psalmist writes with such angst and yearning for relief, or deliverance.  He yearns to see the hand of His heavenly Father, to know Him tangibly.  Each verse is filled with longing, with pleading and supplication to SEE the hand of God, to see his rescue from enemy hands or trials, to experience His care in a very visible manner.  Yet, at the end, the Psalmist always comes back to His awe in His Father.   The writing changes from yearning to yielded.  From supplication to spiritual worship. From worry to worship.  From fear to faith.

Lately, I am thinking a lot like the Psalmist. 

So much has been going on in daily life.  As a single parent, I am busy so that every second feels used right down to nubbins.  My children all have needs at various levels, seeing as how I still have eight of them living at home.  My oldest at home is 22, working two jobs and finishing college; my youngest is seven, busy, fun and a tremendous delight.  He was a gift God knew our family needed. But, the needs of such a range of ages is tremendous. 

This summer, I started two part time jobs.  One of my sons graduated, so an open house was held.  The house needs to be sold so I can move into something that I can manage, so I have listed it and done all the work for getting a house prepped for sale.  I have had court issues with my former spouse; decided to put my children in school after homeschooling for 23 years; done the study, leg work and registration for that choice, made transcripts for my new college student, changed churches, been planning curriculum for the program my second job requires.....so my brain has been running on non stop activity.  It has felt fried like those old 'don't do drugs commercials'.  Remember those....the narrator holds up an egg and says, "This is your brain." 
Then he drops it in a sizzling hot frying pan and says, "This is your brain on drugs."

That's me....the egg in the sizzling hot frying pan.  I can hear the butter popping and sizzling out of the pan, burning the arms of the cook...the edges of the egg are getting brown and crispy.

I long for some serenity in life.  I cry out for rescue from stresses of court orders and motions filed and personal protection orders violated by a former husband.  My mind wants peaceful conditions and a slower pace.  Money for all the bills and upcoming taxes would be so great.  Each bit of money that is given or paid to me is such a treasure, but is used immediately with current needs or to fill in past holes already made by some other bill.

Crying is becoming a gerund I do often.  The act of crying...when I'm supposed to be learning the art and act of being still before my heavenly Father.  But, it is to Him I cry out.  'Father, some relief please.....change me, make me strong, rout out my enemies..don't hurt them or make them suffer, but please just make them go away....please let my children understand all I have done for them, all I have given up, all I do and handle that they have no clue about at all;  please let me not care what others think on how I am handling so many life changes.  Please, God, please.'

I'm the psalmist in these moments. Speaking in angst, crying out, doubting, wondering, yearning.

But, then.

Then, I see God's glory in a hummingbird.  I hear a worship song that takes me right to His feet.  I taste His goodness towards me when I just remember how merciful He has been.  I feel this secret inner delight in the truth that while life hurts and is stressful, I am so deeply loved by the Father.   And I smell the sweet aroma of Christ that is being worked into my life in each moment of strife and pain.

How can I cry out in such distrust when I know the love of a Father so desperately given to my success in His kingdom?  How can I wonder if He sees?  He does....He sees all of me, all of my anxiety ridden, over packed moments.  The eyes of my Father have not once been closed to me.  This is truth.

He does not change every circumstance, He does not rid my life of confusion over choices....yet, His care over me has never once ceased.  There is not a cell in my body that does not cry out with this reality. 

I want to sing like the Psalmist that my Redeemer lives, He loves me, His mercy and love are ever lasting.  And fresh every morning as I rise. 
Father, you are amazing.  I love you, Lord.  There is nothing you miss, nothing you lack in your care over me.  I'm blown away by you, Jesus.

I belong, I belong, I belong....to YOU!!!!

Sometimes, it is hard to be single and not belong to anyone.  I'm feeling that way tonight.  And rather mopey about it, too.  Not a pity party really, but rather a realization of my 'place' in life. 

I'd like to believe I could win the heart of a kind, gracious, loving, winsome man....that he'd love me well, and let me love him like crazy.  But, that is not happening, and I don't believe it will for many years, if ever. 

Blah.  That is not a good feeling.

As I worked around the house and yard tonight, getting ready for a real estate agent to show the house tomorrow morning, I yearned for the companionship of a helper, someone to work along side me, to dream with me on what we'd do if the house sold, where we'd go, what we would pitch, what we'd put in a moving sale, and all the days of excitement that might lie ahead.

But, I weeded alone.  I cleaned toilets and folded laundry alone.  But, I sang.  And one song kept coming to mind.  "I Belong".....over and over again, the song repeats the phrase, the spiritual mantra...."I belong, I belong to You, I belong, I belong to You, I belong, I belong to You..."

The first few times I heard this song, I thought it rather redundant in its lyrics, rather simple. Yet simple is powerful sometimes. And this is one of those times.

As I worked alone, and sang to the Lord, I was overcome with the fact that I do, indeed, belong to Him.  No matter who does not work beside me, or want me, or like me, or love me...I belong to and am loved by the One who can love and care for me best.  No, He's not tangible, and He doesn't mow the lawn or weed the garden areas with me, yet, He's more.  So much more.

He is the lover of my soul for its very best.  He loves me too much to give me lesser things. And the things I want, but He does not allow,must be the lesser things He will not bring into my life.

This is truth.  He loves me best.  He likes me best.  His design for my life is best.

I belong.

Jesus, you are a wonderful bridegroom, a faithful lover, a tender and merciful confident for my heart and soul.  Thank you..I love you.

Thoughts I thunk at the New Year.....

Alone by choice….

2011 will be arriving in about one hour and forty minutes.  I sit here alone, in my big empty living room, where I usually enjoy the solace of peace and quiet. Serenity of mind and atmosphere is commonly an amazing gift to my soul. But, tonight it is not.

It is New Year’s Eve for gosh sakes.  In the past, my family has often hosted party after party for such a night. Many a year, this big room, or other homes we have lived in, has been the chamber of food, fun and fellowship for crowds of up to sixty or more.  This year, it sits quietly.  With only me in it.

The children are scattered. Older, college aged children are on their way to Atlanta, Georgia, for the Passion 2011 conference.  It is a real spiritual energizer to them.  I envy their ability to go, to have the money for the tickets, the hotel and the time to go unencumbered by responsibility that holds them at home.  My younger children are at their father’s home, partly for the New Year, and mostly because it is his weekend visitation with them.  I sent over sparkling grape juice, and made a fun dinner earlier. 

Today, I was thinking that I could invite someone over, but I wasn’t sure who.  Most people I know are part of a couple, or part of big family here in town.  My family is far from me.  I can’t just bebop over to a beloved, supportive sister’s house, or to my folks’ home.  Too many miles.  And some friends are not quite sure what to do with me yet.  I still have company over for dinner, whole families, but the invitations are only returned rarely.  I have no man for a husband to visit with, so I just consume the time of the wife if I visit.  Oh, well.

I am alone by choice. I took steps to create a legal separation between my former husband and myself.  I am not his wife, but I am not free to be anyone else’s wife either.  I am divorced in every way legally, except in freedom to remarry.  So, when I have no one to kiss me at midnight to welcome the new year with passion, I have only my own choice to blame.  But, in angst and great frustration, I wail, “Did I really have a choice?”

This makes me wonder how many other people are alone tonight.  And why.

It seems that there are many divorced or single adults in Michigan alone, not giving any thought to the rest of the globe.  As a woman sitting home tonight, I would love to be laughing with a group of friends, or as part of a couple with a gentleman.  The sensation of a midnight kiss, or a hand in my own would be breathtaking.

When others are alone, do they enjoy being alone?  There are those in this world, who truly have no desire to be inconvenienced by being part of a couple or a family.  A person such as this likes to come and go as he or she pleases, keep a home as wanted with messiness or neat-freakness in just the right amounts, and only be bothered when it is convenient.  I know people like this.  Many were spoiled as a young person is something I have realized when I hear their life stories.  They never did get used to sharing a home, routines, the work of children, and most especially their time and attention.  Considering the feelings of another being was just too much work.  So, aloneness is preferred until these types of people want some fellowship. Then they let someone in, or they step into another’s world for a night or two. 

Sometimes, I observe a person alone and long to know if he or she is pining away for a lost love. Will they not let another person into their lives, someone of the opposite sex, because they truly long for the love they lost?  The one that forced aloneness upon them?  Will they pine until the day they die?  Always longing to return to the lost love, being wanted by the single person on earth and letting not one other person fill their heart?  There is great honor shown in such dedication, yet such sadness and loss when another desires to love them so completely. If that longing heart would only open to another.

Then, there are others who are alone, not pining for a lost love, not yearning for someone unattainable, but longing nonetheless.  Humans were not created for oneness; unless it is the oneness created by the unity of two hearts merging into one with a single purpose.  Oddity is how I would describe someone who has no longing at all to be connected to the opposite sex for companionship, love, sensuality, friendship and wholeness.  The human heart seems to be specifically formed for such connections.  Specifically.  It is a powerful longing.

The last aloneness I think of as I consider the plight, is the one that exists in the human heart who knows longing  and desire for connection to another soul and it dwells in the physical reality of being alone, yet, that heart lives  in a partnership that fulfills its every desire.  That heart is the one in union with the Beloved, Christ Jesus; living as a soul so satisfied in Him that whether alone or in a crowd, it is in pleasant company.  It is this heart most at peace. This is the heart that feels no sting or pang when the nation celebrates a Hallmark holiday or a traditional event while it is singly at home, enjoying the solace of solitude. This is the soul that knows fellowship and love of a deep variety, love that touches the core, the marrow, the life flow.  Aloneness of this level is not easily attained; it usually comes at great cost to its bearer.  Yet, from what I understand, the cost is worth every moment of the learning.

Pleasant relief from being alone...thanks, God

August 10,2011

Praise God for strengthening weak knees…He did it for the Psalmists and He has done it for me. 

Today, I felt as though my knees and my very heart might collapse. The pressures of change, making big decisions alone, and doing too many of them all at once, weighed down heavily.  So heavily that my chest ached with pressure and difficulty taking deep breaths.  Sitting calmly at my desk, just praying silently, was all I could do for any relief and stillness.  School choices, figuring out the school routine,  two part time jobs, listing the house today, people not agreeing with my choices and letting me know of my ‘mistakes’ for the children – all these things were pressing in on my mind.  Breathing was a difficult task….breathe in, breathe out, move forward, Gayle.

The realtor came…a great guy named Spencer Geisen…’Pep’ is his nickname.  He was here over three hours. But, a good deal of that time, he spent in giving advice, or insight, for my choices about selling, renting, buying, moving towards places where goals could be met.  What a Godsend this man was to me today.  A fantastic gentleman I’ve met, Mike Larson, recommended some of the same ideas….and God confirmed the ideas today.  As Pep spoke, I felt my shoulders relax….I have options.  I do not have to make major decisions right now.   Veering off the course, say by renting for before settling on buying, is not a sin or a set in stone choice.  Yay, God for letting me off the hook for a bit.

So, if my house sells, I am thinking on renting close to my current work and school for kids. But, as I look for higher paying work, I can consider other areas, and just move to one of those later.  Wow…how simple a decision, yet how profound for an overloaded mind like my own.

During the process of becoming single, after 28 years of marriage,  I realized there were many facets of the single life that I could not have imagined ahead of time.  Making decisions all alone is one of those.  I have sole legal and sole physical custody of my children. I’ve been doing hard work alone for many years. But, making all decisions alone is scary, overwhelming, and a good deal of pressure. Bills, choosing insurance companies, selling a house and for how much, choosing a school over homeschooling, looking for work, where do we move, buying a vehicle, needing a repair man or buy a new gadget, involving kids in sports, discipline, dating kids, can I date again, choosing a new church, etc. etc.  Not one of those is a life threatening choice, but all done together; they create quite a level of toxicity for the mind.

No one prepared me for the new level of loneliness that singleness brings.  I was alone so much, even with my former spouse in the home.  Any individual from a broken marriage knows the loneliness that can occur in the home, even in your own bed, when you live with a stranger, or an abuser.   But, there is something different about being the only adult in a home, the only parent, with all the weight of choice on your shoulders.  Gads…the weight is titanic at times.

After many years of a painful marriage, being alone has a great sense of relief in it.  But, there are many nights I would love to go to bed, lay on a husband’s chest and discuss the day, the choices to be made….’should we put the kids in school?’, ‘should we check into cheaper insurance, or stick with our old faithful company?’….then snuggle and discuss as we fall asleep.  I long for that.  That kind of being alone is lonely.

Yet, as I sit here thinking about my longing for such times, I have just become humbly aware that God met my need today.  He knew I needed a sounding board, a listening ear, a word of counsel.  He sent it.  God used Mike and Pep to guide me, to clear up confusing considerations in my mind.  Is God astounding, or what!!! 

I felt so undone today by a mind full of too much thinking, too much to consider for making decisions.  God knew this.  I told Him I could not do it alone.  And in a simple real estate appointment, God sent a voice. Counsel.

Wow, God.  You are fabulous.  Your love is sincerely amazing towards me, isn’t it?

Psalm 94:19, I think is the address of the verse, says, “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, but the pleasantness of one’s friends springs from their earnest counsel.”

God sent counsel and pleasantness to my soul today, to calm my yearnings to not face decision making alone. 

He is still always Good. And always God.

Single Trials....a new beginning

The Art of Being Still…..and Knowing God is God

August 8, 2011

Winston Churchill spoke these words:  If you’re going through hell, keep going.

When does the journey through hell end?  Is there a point at which it turns to a delightful adventure rather than hell?  I’ve asked this question of God so often.

He hasn’t answered me yet.

But, I know He’s still good.  Amazingly, bone deep good.  Sometimes I wish I had a greater grasp of the Greek language that has multiple words for the same idea, yet, with differing connotations, intimations, intensities and settings.  Good. The kind of Good that God reveals in Himself.  It’s mine from Him.  How else can I explain it and make it clear in the way my heart understands it?

There are four numbers, or one number with four digits, that are very precious to me.   I know,  How can a number be precious?  It’s abstract.  One, One, One, Three.  1113.  My favorite number.  I have often asked God to use it as my sign from Him like Gideon asked for a fleece.  Eleven thirteen.  November thirteenth….eleventh month, thirteenth day.  Those are the numbers of my deliverance.  My life changed, altered, took shape, began on that day.  It is the day my former husband was asked to leave the house.  The home. 

On that day, oxygen entered the rooms of the home.  Safety and security felt like tangible goals on that day.  I breathed in and I breathed out.  My shoulders relaxed.  Sleep came like a soft breeze, delivering comfort and calm.  There was an odd sadness, but it was overcome by peacefulness.  A smile of relief rested on my lips.  I’d been delivered.

Delivered.   A simple word that might make a person think of milk on a porch, a baby in his momma’s arms, a newspaper thrown into  a yard, or mail placed in the box at the end of the driveway.    If deliverance brings to mind a child’s birth, then I know I was birthed into a place of freedom. Freedom from stresses that were beginning to eat my dying soul.  If delivered means the mail in the box, I was put in a box where someone was glad to see me when the door was opened; and I was not afraid to be moved from the box into the hands of my reader.  If deliverance brings to mind the newspaper delivery, then I was no longer tossed wildly, lacking direction, no purpose, no plan; I was carefully handled, folded and tossed in the proper direction by well-trained hands that know how to get the paper right where it needs to be in the yard.

I was delivered. Set free from a form of pain that I never could have imagined had someone prophesied it for me in my early marriage.  Set free from daily tears. Set free from trembling in my home daily.  Set free to breathe, think on my own,  have my own hobbies, make decisions as simple as choosing a color to paint a room.  Set free to wear nail polish on my toes and smile at the bright cheer it brought to me.   Set free from a master never intended to hold such sway in my life. God did not mean for marriage to be slavery of a woman to a man. But  my marriage was  a cotton plantation owned by a forceful, angry master.  I was a slave, bought with the price of a wedding ring and diamond.  Marriage in my home did far more damage than tear the skin of my hands as I plucked the cotton from bushes that tore at my face.  It wore down my soul. Stole my spirit and resolve.  Slavery stole my ability to think.  Thinking only brought harsh consequences.  It was safest to give up such a luxury.  I was safer that way. 

Yearning for safety became a daily, almost hourly, hunger I experienced.  I was not safe in a bathroom, a bedroom, the car.  No matter where I was, no matter the time of day, I was harassed until my emotions were raw and my mind in a dark place of confusion, no confidence and constant disturbance. This created the conditions for my mind to be always scattered in its ability to function;  my mind was weakened, unable to handle stress, forgetful, without decision making strength for each day.  Even making dinner was  a task my mind grew too weary to handle.  Emotional abusers love this state of mind for their victims; beat a victim down, get her so weary she succumbs to your tactics and folds to the pressure.  Totally yielded to the abuser, having given up the fight, no survival skills left.   This was my life.

But, on November 13^th I was delivered.  That is not to say that the last years and months have not been rife with stress. Stress is a boarder in my home that I did not invite and would desperately like to have move along to some foreign country where I shall never visit. Yet, the stress is different.  It is not scary, or without relief.  And I am confident that this stress is the instructor for me to learn the art of Being Still.  Being still and knowing God is God…He will be exalted in the Universe and in my life.  Psalms 46:10  He IS God, the only true and loving God.

C.S. Lewis once said, “Experience- that most brutal of instructors. But, you learn, my God, do you learn.”

Professor Experience has taught me the taste of pain, the heartache of betrayal, the fear of treading any more heavily on earth than I might on eggshells, the anger that accompanies lies and slanders, the power of boundary-less people, and the energy sapped when one tries to battle bitterness like a deadly enemy. 

Greater lessons than these, though, have been at the crux of my instructor’s desires for me.  And the lessons are not just academic in nature; not just head knowledge.  Lessons of such valued treasure have knitted themselves to my very soul.  Lessons of God’s astounding, unending love for me; His handhold upon my heart and life keeping me from sin,  His guarding of my heart as I give it over and over again to Him; an acknowledgement of my absolute need of His salvation in Jesus; humility learned as He mercifully exposes my heart and motives to me….a knowing that He has equipped me for all that He has called me to do as His child.  The foundational confidence these lessons have offered make me able to stand strong, proud, and with confidence; not in myself alone, but in Christ in Me.

I am His, and He is mine.  I know that now. No one can steal that truth from me, though the enemy often did before.  And now, the journey continues…the adventure awaits.

Hell on earth still exists, but it is the only hell I will ever experience, because I have a greater hope beyond this earth.  So, I’ll keep going.  Going through the hellish leftovers of a marriage with a very broken dynamic and foundation; going through the hell of fear and worry raising kids alone; financially hellish days.  But, oh, the glory of God that meets me now in these places.  I know I do not travel through any hellish deserts without Him now.  He is always mine, always with me, always my peace …..He loves me desperately, and I love Him.  Life is hard, but He always gives perfect peace, perfect love and perfect stillness of soul as I rest in Him.

This is truth.  Absolute truth.