I don't know.
Well, that should be the end of this post, shouldn't it? But, I'm going to attempt to go on and offer wisdom and hopefully, common sense.
Moving forward after a divorce is always the best choice....keep taking steps towards healing, towards a good mindset, towards healthy choices for your body, mind and spirit. Seek counseling. Fellowship with good friends and others who will understand your plight as a newly single mom, dad, or person, in general.
Read good books that encourage your spirit and mind. Exercise. Eat with making good choices for your body...and for the right reasons. Don't eat emotionally; eat because you are hungry. Period. Don't use drugs or alcohol to calm yourself down, unless you truly need physiological help in doing so. There are definitely times for SSRI's or other medications, but if prayer, meditation, counseling, exercise or rest help, then use those first. Moving forward in healthy ways is possible in a variety of efforts.
Moving on is another story. Moving on from your former spouse into a new relationship - how long do you wait and how do you approach such a task.
Well...let's see.
First, don't rush. Being without a mate is not the end of the world. You might be alone, but you can do things to prevent loneliness. Be active with friends. Be involved at your church. Have company over often. And while this sounds cruel, it is still a healthy thing...become at peace with solitude. Solitude is not lonely. It is a serene state of mind, being at peace with yourself, knowing you are okay as a solitary human being. You need no one to complete you other than the Father in Heaven through Jesus Christ. Yes, I know it is hard to go to weddings alone, to go to parent/teacher conferences alone, to go to parties alone, to be every place you ever go ALONE! I know how that feels. But, the functions attended alone are no reason to rush into a relationship.
Secondly, decide what type of person with whom you want a relationship, and stick to your guns. Do NOT set yourself up for failure and look for perfection in every area...none of us fulfills that standard. But, do insist on character qualities that are important to you, and if you have children, qualities that would match your needs as a single parent.
Also, be very aware of your tendencies to be co-dependent. This term applies to that type of person who is a nurturer in more than healthy means. Nurturing and caring for someone are parts of relationships. But, if you think you could nurture someone's pain away, or care enough to love them right out of his or her defensive, angry mode, then you are co-dependent, and that is NOT healthy. You cannot make someone healthy. They need to be healthy before you get in a relationship with them.
Last of all for this particular little blog, is do NOT look for someone to make YOU happy. Don't do it.
Get your own self happy before getting into a relationship. Be whole in Christ Jesus before looking for someone to bring delight and fun into your life again. Love yourself. Get counseling if you need to - you are worth it. No one can complete you totally until you are a healthy individual in your own skin. You will suck the life from someone if you look to them to be the ONE to make you whole, happy, alive again.
This is not an exhaustive list of ideas. I'm sure counselors and relationship experts have written book after book, and article after article, detailing such healthy moving on techniques. But, I do know the few ideas about which I've written are indeed necessary before moving on into another relationship after divorce.
Be healthy, respect yourself. Value yourself enough to wait for a great match. Wait for God's best for you in this area of life. Be prayerful. God does know your longing. Trust Him, wait upon Him, and let Him love you as you move forward and move on.
My love to you...Gayle
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Unfathomable Peace
Undone by the Unfathomable peace of God. I am there.
My heavenly Father is fabulous, merciful, and working in me to make me mature, well developed in Jesus, and not deficient in any way.
Going through divorce makes the opportunity for this work of God in me.
I never imagined myself going through a divorce. In fact, I insisted the action was an absolute SIN before God, it did NOT fit in any box God would ever use or even look into, and, it was never going to be a word connected to me. Fear of disfavor or disconnection from God was the ultimate foundation for this thinking. In truth, the threat of disconnection from God was often one used on my mind and heart as my own marriage went through so much pain and strife.
Divorce grieves the heart of God. Any lost marriage is beyond description in its sadness. Many marriages are still being carried out in a house, but they are so far removed from God's description of the union that an emotional, spiritual and mental divorce has already occured. I sincerely believe it makes no difference to God the legal status of the marriage if the marriage is in a destructive state. He is grieved either way.
No person marries with the plan of divorcing. I just don't believe this happens. Who would be so foolish to sign up for such pain, disappointment, mess, hassle, and confusion??? Any person who finds themselves in an attorney's office, working out divorce settlement issues, is dumbfounded, aching, yearning for reasonable answers to this constant question filled place in life - What could have been done? Did I do all I could? Am I as bad as he says I am? Was the other woman really better than me? Wasn't I good enough? Is God mad at me now? Am I forgiving or am I faking it and really just a bitter, nasty, angry person?
The divorce process is a place of great pain. For both spouses. There is loss, grief, anger, heartache, fear, doubt, insecurity, loneliness, confusion. On and on the emotions go. But, none of them is sin. God knows each and every feeling we will experience as we walk through the tumultuous adventure.
Sin only begins when you act in anger, speak in bitterness of heart, harbor grudges, gossip and try to get others to take on your offense against your spouse. For these, we must be on constant guard and in a constant state of confession and repentance.
The greater spiritual battle is the lack of peace during the upheaval. But, our Father in heaven is so abundant in supplying a serenity of spirit, at His cost, for us. The ultimate peace came in Jesus when He died on the cross..we have peace with God, our Father. But, daily peace in our living circumstances comes through Him as well. As we trust on Him....believe in His sovereignty, or right to rule, in our lives; believe He has our best on His heart; know His great love for us, and rest in it. His word tells us that when we are anxiety ridden, praying with thanksgiving will allow Christ to displace worry at the center of our lives. And He tells us to think on lovely, pure, just things.....things of good report. An Old Testament prophet says that peopoe with their minds set upon Him will be kept completely whole and in peace.
The Father's word is true an faithful. These mindful choices do, indeed, work to allow His peace to reign in our minds and hearts.
I sleep well at night as I trust in His sovereignty. Calmness of spirit exists because I know He is keeping me in the palm of His hand, with my name engraved upon His heart of love. He will deal with any enemies that are against me, spiritual or otherwise. He is my warrior in all adverse situations.
No lie shall prevail against me, He says. I trust Him to let truth be known, to be my ultimate attorney, my healer of all the broken heartedness and confusion. My God is the one who will clear confusion. He wants me to have knowledge of His will for me. He longs for me to trust him in negative circumstances so His unfathomable peace can blow me away on the whispers of His love.
As you go through divorce, or separtion, or marital strife, rest in Him. Repent where you have need and allow His great spirit of serenity to overwhelm you. It is real. It is for you as you trust in Him.
I have this peace, and I want to share it with you. God has enough to go around. I promise.
My love to all...Gayle
My heavenly Father is fabulous, merciful, and working in me to make me mature, well developed in Jesus, and not deficient in any way.
Going through divorce makes the opportunity for this work of God in me.
I never imagined myself going through a divorce. In fact, I insisted the action was an absolute SIN before God, it did NOT fit in any box God would ever use or even look into, and, it was never going to be a word connected to me. Fear of disfavor or disconnection from God was the ultimate foundation for this thinking. In truth, the threat of disconnection from God was often one used on my mind and heart as my own marriage went through so much pain and strife.
Divorce grieves the heart of God. Any lost marriage is beyond description in its sadness. Many marriages are still being carried out in a house, but they are so far removed from God's description of the union that an emotional, spiritual and mental divorce has already occured. I sincerely believe it makes no difference to God the legal status of the marriage if the marriage is in a destructive state. He is grieved either way.
No person marries with the plan of divorcing. I just don't believe this happens. Who would be so foolish to sign up for such pain, disappointment, mess, hassle, and confusion??? Any person who finds themselves in an attorney's office, working out divorce settlement issues, is dumbfounded, aching, yearning for reasonable answers to this constant question filled place in life - What could have been done? Did I do all I could? Am I as bad as he says I am? Was the other woman really better than me? Wasn't I good enough? Is God mad at me now? Am I forgiving or am I faking it and really just a bitter, nasty, angry person?
The divorce process is a place of great pain. For both spouses. There is loss, grief, anger, heartache, fear, doubt, insecurity, loneliness, confusion. On and on the emotions go. But, none of them is sin. God knows each and every feeling we will experience as we walk through the tumultuous adventure.
Sin only begins when you act in anger, speak in bitterness of heart, harbor grudges, gossip and try to get others to take on your offense against your spouse. For these, we must be on constant guard and in a constant state of confession and repentance.
The greater spiritual battle is the lack of peace during the upheaval. But, our Father in heaven is so abundant in supplying a serenity of spirit, at His cost, for us. The ultimate peace came in Jesus when He died on the cross..we have peace with God, our Father. But, daily peace in our living circumstances comes through Him as well. As we trust on Him....believe in His sovereignty, or right to rule, in our lives; believe He has our best on His heart; know His great love for us, and rest in it. His word tells us that when we are anxiety ridden, praying with thanksgiving will allow Christ to displace worry at the center of our lives. And He tells us to think on lovely, pure, just things.....things of good report. An Old Testament prophet says that peopoe with their minds set upon Him will be kept completely whole and in peace.
The Father's word is true an faithful. These mindful choices do, indeed, work to allow His peace to reign in our minds and hearts.
I sleep well at night as I trust in His sovereignty. Calmness of spirit exists because I know He is keeping me in the palm of His hand, with my name engraved upon His heart of love. He will deal with any enemies that are against me, spiritual or otherwise. He is my warrior in all adverse situations.
No lie shall prevail against me, He says. I trust Him to let truth be known, to be my ultimate attorney, my healer of all the broken heartedness and confusion. My God is the one who will clear confusion. He wants me to have knowledge of His will for me. He longs for me to trust him in negative circumstances so His unfathomable peace can blow me away on the whispers of His love.
As you go through divorce, or separtion, or marital strife, rest in Him. Repent where you have need and allow His great spirit of serenity to overwhelm you. It is real. It is for you as you trust in Him.
I have this peace, and I want to share it with you. God has enough to go around. I promise.
My love to all...Gayle
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Whadda Week....Whew!
What a week it has been already. Actually, beginning with Friday night of last week, the past five days or so have been a whirlwind of change and emotion. And the Father has danced with me through the entire adventure.
My twenty year old son left the nest yesterday. He shipped out for basic training in the Army to Fort Jackson in South Carolina. He is to be in the military for almost four years, so he will be 25 when he returns to be a part of 'normal' family life. Unless he makes the military a career....which would NOT surprise me at all.
On Friday night, my family held a large party for Graham as a send off of love and support by those whom he appreciates in life, support his life, have loved him, and have mentored him. It was a terrrific night with over one hundred thirty in attendance...and that doesn't count little tiny non-eating kids. Having my home so full of a dull roar, laughter, food, running kids, hugs, photo taking, and great people brings the best of delight to my heart. The night was a memory making one, for Graham and for me. The support was good for me as it was for him.
Then, Sunday, friends, extended family and siblings hung out at the house for food, prayer over Graham and general tomfoolery. We had a great time just laughing and goofing around. But, then night fell, and the older kids all took off to go to another friends for one last night of game playing with Graham. After the kids left, my eight year old, Gavin, came running to me and dropped into my lap. He was sobbing in a way I've never heard come from his little body before then. I did not want to bring up Graham if that was not the problem, but I was pretty sure it was the reason for the sobbing.
After a few minutes, Gav walked away to the couch and continued crying. I went to pick him up and hold him and asked for just one word to tell what was making him so sad. "Graham," slipped through his quivering lips, and he sobbed more deeply. At this point, my own heart broke. I held him and just cried with him, told him of God's great love for Graham, Graham's grand adventure, discussed what a terrific brother Graham is to him but that Graham was grown up and needed to move forward. His own time would come later, I explained. We cried some more. After about an hour, Gavin fell asleep on my chest. We slept on the couch that night. I didn't want to wake him.
Next morning rolls around town and we are off and running to school and work....and sayng goodbye to Graham for good. He took the kiddles to school one last time, hugged them all there, and then came home to pack up to leave for Lansing to the Military Entrance Processing Station. The day was difficult for all the kids, but they handled it well. Landon, Graham's older brother, was able to meet him in Lansing at night for dinner with friends....The Last Supper, they called it....and he said his goodbyes and held Graham in a warm hug there. Brothers....wealthy brothers.
Then came Tuesday, January 10, 2012. My 29th wedding anniversary; the one I'm not celebrating, nor am I mourning it. It came. I remembered. And I drove to Lansing to see Graham sworn in and leave on the bus for the airport where he'd fly out to Fort Jackson. A dear friend, Brenda Dillon, drove with me to make sure I had a chauffeur for the ride home in case I was in no shape to drive.
Seeing Graham at attention, at ease, responding to the officer at the ceremony that committed Graham to the Army - I was so proud of him. His head was held high, his voice firm and strong, his body erect and ready for action. Confidence exuded from him, and I saw the look in his countenance of a man ready to do what he'd set out to do - no turning back, no second guessing, sure of himself. I was proud.
After different briefing meetings, Graham was able to sit with us for a bit before being called for shipping out. We discussed some of his financial business, his vehicle, insurance, credit cards, etc. We hugged, sat close, shared our ideas on his going. then he was called out. I hurried to the front desk to make sure this was not his actual leaving time, because I'd not hugged him goodbye before he left the room. A kind gentleman assured me it was not and said I could wait there where Graham would enter again one more time before leaving the building for the bus.
As I stood there, I looked up and saw them coming. A long, single file line of soldiers, walking down the hall they had just traveled a few moments before. Then they went haphazardly, now they were single file, folders in hand, walking purposefully. Over the speakers in the building, "I'm Proud to Be an American' began to play, and the kind gentleman I mentioned before announced over the PA, "Please stand as the newest members of the United States Army pass by."
The entire room of parents, officers, soldiers, recruits, and spouses stood and applauded as the single file line of soldiers passed through the room to get their Army issued back packs.
I was told to head out to the bus so I could say goodbye there. I did...and the tears hit my eyes and the lump filled my throat. Now is the time. He's going. Finally going. He's no longer a part of our household after this moment. No longer will I find his whiskers in the girls' bathroom sink where he uses the haircutting clippers to trim his beard. No longer will I find his coat in the chair. His running shoes won't be waiting at the door anymore. He's in the Army now.
I waited by the bus until Graham came down the MEPS stairs. We hugged tightly, I told him what I wanted him to know, and I told him I loved him. We hugged and kissed and he went to the bus. As he waited to climb the bus steps, we kept flashing the ASL sign for 'I love you'...a special sign for Graham and me. Then, I ran to him and said, "Just one more kiss goodbye....I love you, honey."
Up he climbed. I continued to wave, flash the I love you sign, holding back my tears. I was not going to bawl right there. I wanted Graham to be assured that I am going to be alright.
He had told me in the waiting area that he asked some of his guy friends to be sure to check in on me, make sure I was okay and if I needed anything in his absence. So, I know he has me on his mind. Sweet of him. But, that is like Graham.
I watched until his ride was out of sight, heading for the airport to take him to his new home away from home. The Army has him now. Take good care of my boy, Army.
I love you, Graham.
A lot of change, memory making, sad reminders and emotion this past few days. God's mercies are new every morning. I'm so thankful.
Love you all...thanks for praying for my guy, Graham. And for me.
Gayle
My twenty year old son left the nest yesterday. He shipped out for basic training in the Army to Fort Jackson in South Carolina. He is to be in the military for almost four years, so he will be 25 when he returns to be a part of 'normal' family life. Unless he makes the military a career....which would NOT surprise me at all.
On Friday night, my family held a large party for Graham as a send off of love and support by those whom he appreciates in life, support his life, have loved him, and have mentored him. It was a terrrific night with over one hundred thirty in attendance...and that doesn't count little tiny non-eating kids. Having my home so full of a dull roar, laughter, food, running kids, hugs, photo taking, and great people brings the best of delight to my heart. The night was a memory making one, for Graham and for me. The support was good for me as it was for him.
Then, Sunday, friends, extended family and siblings hung out at the house for food, prayer over Graham and general tomfoolery. We had a great time just laughing and goofing around. But, then night fell, and the older kids all took off to go to another friends for one last night of game playing with Graham. After the kids left, my eight year old, Gavin, came running to me and dropped into my lap. He was sobbing in a way I've never heard come from his little body before then. I did not want to bring up Graham if that was not the problem, but I was pretty sure it was the reason for the sobbing.
After a few minutes, Gav walked away to the couch and continued crying. I went to pick him up and hold him and asked for just one word to tell what was making him so sad. "Graham," slipped through his quivering lips, and he sobbed more deeply. At this point, my own heart broke. I held him and just cried with him, told him of God's great love for Graham, Graham's grand adventure, discussed what a terrific brother Graham is to him but that Graham was grown up and needed to move forward. His own time would come later, I explained. We cried some more. After about an hour, Gavin fell asleep on my chest. We slept on the couch that night. I didn't want to wake him.
Next morning rolls around town and we are off and running to school and work....and sayng goodbye to Graham for good. He took the kiddles to school one last time, hugged them all there, and then came home to pack up to leave for Lansing to the Military Entrance Processing Station. The day was difficult for all the kids, but they handled it well. Landon, Graham's older brother, was able to meet him in Lansing at night for dinner with friends....The Last Supper, they called it....and he said his goodbyes and held Graham in a warm hug there. Brothers....wealthy brothers.
Then came Tuesday, January 10, 2012. My 29th wedding anniversary; the one I'm not celebrating, nor am I mourning it. It came. I remembered. And I drove to Lansing to see Graham sworn in and leave on the bus for the airport where he'd fly out to Fort Jackson. A dear friend, Brenda Dillon, drove with me to make sure I had a chauffeur for the ride home in case I was in no shape to drive.
Seeing Graham at attention, at ease, responding to the officer at the ceremony that committed Graham to the Army - I was so proud of him. His head was held high, his voice firm and strong, his body erect and ready for action. Confidence exuded from him, and I saw the look in his countenance of a man ready to do what he'd set out to do - no turning back, no second guessing, sure of himself. I was proud.
After different briefing meetings, Graham was able to sit with us for a bit before being called for shipping out. We discussed some of his financial business, his vehicle, insurance, credit cards, etc. We hugged, sat close, shared our ideas on his going. then he was called out. I hurried to the front desk to make sure this was not his actual leaving time, because I'd not hugged him goodbye before he left the room. A kind gentleman assured me it was not and said I could wait there where Graham would enter again one more time before leaving the building for the bus.
As I stood there, I looked up and saw them coming. A long, single file line of soldiers, walking down the hall they had just traveled a few moments before. Then they went haphazardly, now they were single file, folders in hand, walking purposefully. Over the speakers in the building, "I'm Proud to Be an American' began to play, and the kind gentleman I mentioned before announced over the PA, "Please stand as the newest members of the United States Army pass by."
The entire room of parents, officers, soldiers, recruits, and spouses stood and applauded as the single file line of soldiers passed through the room to get their Army issued back packs.
I was told to head out to the bus so I could say goodbye there. I did...and the tears hit my eyes and the lump filled my throat. Now is the time. He's going. Finally going. He's no longer a part of our household after this moment. No longer will I find his whiskers in the girls' bathroom sink where he uses the haircutting clippers to trim his beard. No longer will I find his coat in the chair. His running shoes won't be waiting at the door anymore. He's in the Army now.
I waited by the bus until Graham came down the MEPS stairs. We hugged tightly, I told him what I wanted him to know, and I told him I loved him. We hugged and kissed and he went to the bus. As he waited to climb the bus steps, we kept flashing the ASL sign for 'I love you'...a special sign for Graham and me. Then, I ran to him and said, "Just one more kiss goodbye....I love you, honey."
Up he climbed. I continued to wave, flash the I love you sign, holding back my tears. I was not going to bawl right there. I wanted Graham to be assured that I am going to be alright.
He had told me in the waiting area that he asked some of his guy friends to be sure to check in on me, make sure I was okay and if I needed anything in his absence. So, I know he has me on his mind. Sweet of him. But, that is like Graham.
I watched until his ride was out of sight, heading for the airport to take him to his new home away from home. The Army has him now. Take good care of my boy, Army.
I love you, Graham.
A lot of change, memory making, sad reminders and emotion this past few days. God's mercies are new every morning. I'm so thankful.
Love you all...thanks for praying for my guy, Graham. And for me.
Gayle
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
An Adventure with My Father....
No matter my aggravation, my stress, my pain.....I have to testify that my heavenly Father is so abundantly good to me. Even when I deserve none of His mercy, none of His grace upon my life, He showers each of those, and more, all over my life.
A new year has begun. Goodness, four days of the 365 are already past. I was asked on New Year's Eve what my resolutions were to be for the year. The question stunned me to silence. Life has felt so insanely busy, stressed, and full of change, I had not even toyed with one smidgeon of a thought about the new year and resolutions or goals to accomplish in it. Stress began to fill my head at the question when I realized I had planned for nothing as a focus of my time and life. Now, I know, I know, there is nothing in the Bible or any written rule that commands focused plans. But, doggone it, there sure is some wisdom in making such plans and goals. And I realized I had none.
Failure! Failure! Failure! is what my mind started flashing. No plans!! You are accomplishing nothing, Gayle!!!! You are in mere survival mode all the time, Gayle!!! You are not moving ahead!!!! I was hearing these things scream into my thoughts. STOP!!!!
I had to take my thoughts captive and stop the destructive actions right away. I'd have myself soon in tears if I did not.
On that same night of the resolution question, I was challenged with hope filled, thought provoking conversation that had the enticing, sweet sound of the heavenly Father saying, "Gayle, do you see? I'm showing you options out of the survival mode. Listen, Gayle....I'm whispering sweet nothings of love and hope to you, giving you vision for the possible in your life. You can move forward. There are workable means to do so. Don't despair and feel stuck. You are NOT stuck. I have goals and plans for you, my precious Child, and I'm sending you these voices now to show you different ways to carry out those plans. Let your resolutions be My plans for you. Let your goals be guided by me. Let me give you the desires in heart that I want you to possess."
At the end of that conversation, I declared, "I think I have my resolution now!"
No, I don't have a fully laid out plan for my future. But, I DO know topics and ideas to research and study. I know possibilities. And I know someone else believes in me to accomplish some healthy, productive plans for my future and that of my family.
Most of all, I know my Father wants me on this adventure. He has sent a few more people since that night to challenge me in the same manner. I think I hear Him whispering, gently seducing me to His well thought out plans for me. He loves me so much, I should never fear going on this adventure with Him. The heavenly Father paves the way for each step, He goes before me.....why should I ever fear.
Wait, maybe that should be my resolution for Twenty-twelve....stop fearing, trust the Father in heaven.
A new year has begun. Goodness, four days of the 365 are already past. I was asked on New Year's Eve what my resolutions were to be for the year. The question stunned me to silence. Life has felt so insanely busy, stressed, and full of change, I had not even toyed with one smidgeon of a thought about the new year and resolutions or goals to accomplish in it. Stress began to fill my head at the question when I realized I had planned for nothing as a focus of my time and life. Now, I know, I know, there is nothing in the Bible or any written rule that commands focused plans. But, doggone it, there sure is some wisdom in making such plans and goals. And I realized I had none.
Failure! Failure! Failure! is what my mind started flashing. No plans!! You are accomplishing nothing, Gayle!!!! You are in mere survival mode all the time, Gayle!!! You are not moving ahead!!!! I was hearing these things scream into my thoughts. STOP!!!!
I had to take my thoughts captive and stop the destructive actions right away. I'd have myself soon in tears if I did not.
On that same night of the resolution question, I was challenged with hope filled, thought provoking conversation that had the enticing, sweet sound of the heavenly Father saying, "Gayle, do you see? I'm showing you options out of the survival mode. Listen, Gayle....I'm whispering sweet nothings of love and hope to you, giving you vision for the possible in your life. You can move forward. There are workable means to do so. Don't despair and feel stuck. You are NOT stuck. I have goals and plans for you, my precious Child, and I'm sending you these voices now to show you different ways to carry out those plans. Let your resolutions be My plans for you. Let your goals be guided by me. Let me give you the desires in heart that I want you to possess."
At the end of that conversation, I declared, "I think I have my resolution now!"
No, I don't have a fully laid out plan for my future. But, I DO know topics and ideas to research and study. I know possibilities. And I know someone else believes in me to accomplish some healthy, productive plans for my future and that of my family.
Most of all, I know my Father wants me on this adventure. He has sent a few more people since that night to challenge me in the same manner. I think I hear Him whispering, gently seducing me to His well thought out plans for me. He loves me so much, I should never fear going on this adventure with Him. The heavenly Father paves the way for each step, He goes before me.....why should I ever fear.
Wait, maybe that should be my resolution for Twenty-twelve....stop fearing, trust the Father in heaven.
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