One of the things I love most about the Psalms of Scripture is how the psalmist writes with such angst and yearning for relief, or deliverance. He yearns to see the hand of His heavenly Father, to know Him tangibly. Each verse is filled with longing, with pleading and supplication to SEE the hand of God, to see his rescue from enemy hands or trials, to experience His care in a very visible manner. Yet, at the end, the Psalmist always comes back to His awe in His Father. The writing changes from yearning to yielded. From supplication to spiritual worship. From worry to worship. From fear to faith.
Lately, I am thinking a lot like the Psalmist.
So much has been going on in daily life. As a single parent, I am busy so that every second feels used right down to nubbins. My children all have needs at various levels, seeing as how I still have eight of them living at home. My oldest at home is 22, working two jobs and finishing college; my youngest is seven, busy, fun and a tremendous delight. He was a gift God knew our family needed. But, the needs of such a range of ages is tremendous.
This summer, I started two part time jobs. One of my sons graduated, so an open house was held. The house needs to be sold so I can move into something that I can manage, so I have listed it and done all the work for getting a house prepped for sale. I have had court issues with my former spouse; decided to put my children in school after homeschooling for 23 years; done the study, leg work and registration for that choice, made transcripts for my new college student, changed churches, been planning curriculum for the program my second job requires.....so my brain has been running on non stop activity. It has felt fried like those old 'don't do drugs commercials'. Remember those....the narrator holds up an egg and says, "This is your brain."
Then he drops it in a sizzling hot frying pan and says, "This is your brain on drugs."
That's me....the egg in the sizzling hot frying pan. I can hear the butter popping and sizzling out of the pan, burning the arms of the cook...the edges of the egg are getting brown and crispy.
I long for some serenity in life. I cry out for rescue from stresses of court orders and motions filed and personal protection orders violated by a former husband. My mind wants peaceful conditions and a slower pace. Money for all the bills and upcoming taxes would be so great. Each bit of money that is given or paid to me is such a treasure, but is used immediately with current needs or to fill in past holes already made by some other bill.
Crying is becoming a gerund I do often. The act of crying...when I'm supposed to be learning the art and act of being still before my heavenly Father. But, it is to Him I cry out. 'Father, some relief please.....change me, make me strong, rout out my enemies..don't hurt them or make them suffer, but please just make them go away....please let my children understand all I have done for them, all I have given up, all I do and handle that they have no clue about at all; please let me not care what others think on how I am handling so many life changes. Please, God, please.'
I'm the psalmist in these moments. Speaking in angst, crying out, doubting, wondering, yearning.
But, then.
Then, I see God's glory in a hummingbird. I hear a worship song that takes me right to His feet. I taste His goodness towards me when I just remember how merciful He has been. I feel this secret inner delight in the truth that while life hurts and is stressful, I am so deeply loved by the Father. And I smell the sweet aroma of Christ that is being worked into my life in each moment of strife and pain.
How can I cry out in such distrust when I know the love of a Father so desperately given to my success in His kingdom? How can I wonder if He sees? He does....He sees all of me, all of my anxiety ridden, over packed moments. The eyes of my Father have not once been closed to me. This is truth.
He does not change every circumstance, He does not rid my life of confusion over choices....yet, His care over me has never once ceased. There is not a cell in my body that does not cry out with this reality.
I want to sing like the Psalmist that my Redeemer lives, He loves me, His mercy and love are ever lasting. And fresh every morning as I rise.
Father, you are amazing. I love you, Lord. There is nothing you miss, nothing you lack in your care over me. I'm blown away by you, Jesus.
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