That simple truth is in the Bible. Since that is true, I'm having the most awe struck sense that the heavenly Father knows our hearts' pains, understands them, anticipates them, and created us with such intensity of emotion to give us the chance to experience those sick moments, as well as those moments of incredible delight.
A precious new friend is on my mind tonight. And lost love.
Oh, how hard to direct one's heart when it has gone wild with love, commitment and desire. That time when your mind, will, and very soul decide that you are intent upon watching someone grow old, walking through life with him or her, yearning for his best and the role you will play in making that happen for the one desired by your heart. Then it happens.
Your one heart's desire turns to another.
Can there be a greater hope deferred? Death seems to be. Yet,death is not a choice. Death comes without invitation or being drawn away from us by another lover. So, there is great loss in death, but not the deferred hope of rejected love. Death steals from us, but doesn't betray us. There is a grave difference. And I mean no pun there.
Unrequited love. I remember reading about it in high school. English literature class....much unrequited love in the great writings of old. This love not felt by both parties was the topic of many a classic - Jane Austen, Elizabeth Gaskell, even Shakespeare. Heartache and longing always accompanied such a kind of love as that unrequited.
But, what about the love once offered, freely given, expressed, and shared - then taken away?
Can there be any more intense pathway to hurt, unfulfilled hopes, and sickness of heart? How is one to go on without sickness of heart, when the heart wrenching truth is evident that the love you once experienced is now being given to another? Love that belonged to you?
When evidence of such betrayal of hopes appears, a flash of searing heat runs its lightning fast course through your body. Vomiting comes to mind. Shaking in every limb begins. And you sit with heaviness of heart, mind, soul, limbs ...every inch of your body. You hang your head and cry. Weep. Sob.
You must forge ahead. Work must be done. Homes must be maintained. If you have them, children must be raised.
But how? Even God knows that deferred hope makes a very sick heart. Sick. It is a sickness that can blindside you at any turn of the day or night. In traffic. At work. At church. While on the phone. The loss hits you. The love you feasted upon now is the banquet table of another.
Oh, Father, why did You create us with such intense longing? With the ability to feel such fierce trauma to our senses? Father, it hurts.
I hear you whispering to me, Father. You know the heartache. You grieve over the hurt because you do love us so desperately. That is what I hear you gently speaking in my ear. I can go on, my friend can go on..because you sing a song of delight and love over us. Your love is not tangible as a fresh love, a soft kiss, a comforting hug. But, it is profoundly real. Your love is always stable. Always present. Always my own. Always.
I'm hearing that song, Father:
You're My beloved, you're my bride. To sing over you is my delight. Come away with me, My love.
Under My mercy come and wait, until we are standing face to face. I see no stain on you My child.
I'll take you to my quiet waters, I'll restore your soul. Come rest in Me and be made whole.
I sing over you My song of peace, cast all your cares down at My feet. Come and find your rest in me."
Love deferred, given to another when it once belonged to you, is still heart wrenching. But, there is a greater love. A love that will never betray. A love that is ever safe, ever true and faithful. These are not trite phrases. They are truth for our very souls full of wracking pain.
The Father loves us as a faithful Groom delights in His bride. Jesus adores us. His love is solid. It never betrays. He never gives it to another lover, only His Bride.
We are His Bride...He loves us and sings a song of delight over us.
Remember this when that heartache of hoped for love that is now deferred hits you with a ferocious blast. Let the pain have its work of making you strong, making you gain compassion for other hurting hearts, causing you to learn a level of forgiveness in a manner you've never needed before now. But, within that work, KNOW the Groom's passionate love for you is constant. Sure. Faithful. Real.
It is a love that will NEVER bring sickness of heart.
Father, thank you for such a love that is the undoing of my very soul. You are amazing. Even in profound pain, you bring me to my knees in worship as I consider your love.
My precious new friend, know this passion is yours. Human love is fickle. Love founded with foundations in the Father's love is rarely so. But, the love OF the Father shall never be fickle. It is sure. It is yours.
I LOVE this " I can go on, my friend can go on..because you sing a song of delight and love over us. Your love is not tangible as a fresh love, a soft kiss, a comforting hug. But, it is profoundly real. Your love is always stable. Always present. Always my own. Always." Thank you Gayle for the beautiful reminder. LOVE LOVE LOVE reading your blog! Thank you for allowing me the privilege.
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God, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. ...guard the spirit of marriage within you. Malachi 2:15 msg
ReplyDeleteGod designed your marriage as a shining example of His love. Unrealistic expectations can rob you of the relationship He wants you to have. If there are unmet expectations that hinder your marriage from being all that it can be, it's important to express your feelings and emotions to each other without criticism. Live your marriage by His Word, under His direction and for purposes of glorifying Him.
What is one expectation you have in your marriage with your spouse? Ask God to help you show unconditional love.
Ephesians 5:25-28
If we use scripture as our guide we can see that God designed many things that are not used today. For example, Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Abraham had 3, Jacob 2 and so on...
ReplyDeleteOld Testament Law allowed a man to divorce his wife if he found something indecent about her (Deuteronomy 24:1-4), but wives were considered property of the man and could not get a divorce. Most marriages were arranged and a purchase payment was made to the brides father. Not so today. So perhaps the OT is not the best guide for What to do or not to do with regard to marriage or divorce.
A delirious person wants to use scripture as a weapon to force a marriage back together. Now that's real love OT style. It's like saying, "You'll do what I say or I'll stone you to death because God said I could" Things have changed a bit in many thousands of years. Now, tortured women in marriage can flee. Thank God most of society has evolved. Anyone who forces or threatens a person to remain in a hurtful marriage has a twisted idea of love. It's love that holds a marriage together not guilt or threats from the bible.
Dear Solomon...do tell what NT scripture you stand on that allows women to flee their marriage? Satan wants nothing more then to rob, steal, and destroy marriages. Love does not hold marriages together, GOD does! Your view of marriage and women's "rights" in marriage sounds quite worldly. What an example to young woman, "Hey...if it's not going how you dreamed it would--move on...evolve...flee...get a new identity!!"
ReplyDeleteIf God holds marriages together He is only effective half of the time, as half of the marriages end in divorce. An omnipotent God would do better than 50% don't you think. Whenever human are involved things get messed up, as in marriage. God is always good, us, well not so good all the time.
ReplyDeleteProof texting is pointless. You can make scripture say most anything you want if you ignore the exegesis. Scripture is not a tool or weapon you get to use to have your self-centered way. Throughout the whole of scripture we can safely say that God is love.
What you're suggesting is for women to stay in abusive relationships. When I consider the whole of scripture I don't see a God who wants his children abusing or being abused.
What is the best example to show children in regard to marriage?
ReplyDeleteI think God must always be the foundation and go to source in good times and bad. God must always come first! This is by far the best way to teach your children about marriage or anything else in life and death.
But, I would be pained to see my child hurt in any way by a spouse. I would want my children to balance Godly wisdom with common sense. The common sense part says, if you are oppressed or violated in your marriage get out. Every situation is different and no one answer works for all circumstance.
Marriage is for better or worse, in good times and bad. But the vows don't say God wants you to be oppressed or hurt by your spouse. Diverse is a God sanctioned gift for those being abused, given for our human mistakes or hardness or heart. It's not for slight inconveniences, but it can be a form of God's grace.
In short, I would teach and represent to my children to love God with all their heart and mind. I would encourage them to love and be kind to others. My motto is to always go to God first for everything, especially in marriage. I would also teach them to be strong and smart. If you're being hurt, escape! Use a divorce and every protection available to you to be whole and safe.
Dear Happy Solomon...I guess you're going to have to define "opressed" and "hurt". Still don't see them as an excuse to get out of a marriage. And you still haven't offered a NT verse that backs your opinion...and I stress opinon!!
ReplyDelete"Never give up on anyone. Miracles happen every day!!"
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right "Anonymous". You will not find scripture that says you can get a divorce for anything except adultery. Nor does it say anything about indoor plumbing. In fact, the OT gives guidelines for building an outhouse. So, we can safely say indoor plumbing is not God's idea because it's not in the Bible. You should only have an outhouse based on OT standards, which seems to be the best place for your thoughts on abused women in marriage and divorce.
ReplyDeleteI admire your desire to please God by following His word. If only you could pull the love for others out of the book I think you could safely say divorce can be God's grace for those being hurt. And I'm not going to define hurt. You know what it is.
Dear Solomon,
ReplyDeleteI am new to this discussion. As I read back through, I see that there are some foundational things that we will not agree upon. However, I thought we were on the same page on one big issue....that being, not just one person is at fault. Beyond that, equal blame means not just one person is being 'hurt', 'oppressed', 'abused', etc. etc. It appears that your thinking has 'evolved' on that point. Mine has not. (By the way, the power of the web is staggering...just a few lines, using some very choice but damaging words... published on a public forum can potentially destroy an innocent person...a child of God . It is so easy to do and very effective.)
If I were to summarize the story of the Bible to someone who had never read it, I would explain to them that it is an amazing story of reconciliation. In terms of obligation, that would be...to love God and love your neighbor. There's not much to be said about loving yourself or looking for an 'easier' road. God crossed many boundaries to get ahold of me, in my most unlovely, sinful state. He continues to refuse let go even when I spit in his face.
Shouldn't your highest counseling goal be to avoid joining that 50% failure group with restoration as an endpoint? It seems as though you have your offensive mounted against the wrong person..the spouse..instead of The Accuser.
I have been asked to unsubscribe from this forum. I know that is for the best as I do not agree with the direction you all are headed or your personal involvement. This is only a small, skewed part (censorship included) of the whole story and I do not want to support it in any way.
Jane not anonymous
Dear Jane,
ReplyDeleteSome times the most common divorce scenarios and advice (two people equally at fault - work it out with counseling) are just wrong. Not every troubled marriage is the same. Occasionally, someone is just a victim, and the other spouse is an abuser. Some times an escape is needed, not a counselor. By saying the abused person is equally to blame is very un-loving, even cruel. It's like saying that a woman who was raped was to blame for her attackers actions.
I suggest you stick around, we all may learn something from each others perspectives. If you must go, I wish peace and a healthy marriage.
Solomon...when I read "jane's" post, it sounds like what she is trying to say is that YOU have admitted THIS situation is not one-sided. But it now seems the story has morphed. And there you go again with your inflammatory words (adj: arousing passion or strong emotion, especially anger, belligerence, or desire). That's the game of you people. You use your inflammatory words to contrive a certain image that sways readers to the most damaging scenario possible. When you use words like "abuse", "victim", "oppressed", "hurt", etc. (you know the list)...you steer the readers' thinking to something you'd see on Oprah or Dr. Phil. It DOES take two to tango, and I think it's safe to say that more then one person has suffered in this falling out. Quite possibly you don't know all the history to be speaking with such authority, and should consider that maybe you have been duped!
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI don't know your life story. I don't want to know it and it's none of my business.
I have been consistent in my thinking and comments. Not every troubled marriage is the same. Occasionally, someone is just a victim, and the other spouse is an abuser. Some times an escape is needed, not a counselor.
No rational person wants to rip a family apart and endure all the pain from a divorce for a small problem. A logical, God fearing person must be at the end of their rope to endure the anguish of divorce. When no options are left, a divorce can be pure grace.
I know this because I speak from personal experience. I know the pain of divorce. I was partly to blame for my divorce. I know other divorced people who did nothing wrong and were simply abused. For example, when a spouse becomes a drug addict and abusive you have few options and it's not your fault. That's not Jerry Springer or Oprah, it's real life. No two troubled marriages are the same and one size fits all answers are not helpful. In fact, they can be destructive and cruel. Divorce can bring out the worst and the best in people.
Hurt people want to lash out. Gayle talked about the attacks she has endured. It seems that applying guilt and bullying is actually more self-destructive, and not the "Christian" example you want to show your children. It just ends up hurting everyone more.
I understand about the hurt. But hold onto that thought, 'no rational person wants to rip apart a family...'Think of the effects times 10! It's not too late. I read through and don't see any 'lashing out', 'bullying' 'bad treatment' or 'UGLY' people that 'don't matter'. Expressing a point of view that does not match yours cannot be labeled these.
ReplyDeleteThe lashing out I was referring to was the treatment Gayle talked about receiving. She has been bullied, and treated badly.
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