No, that title does not say, ‘Going through divorce’. It does indeed say, ‘growing’. And it is possible to do so – to grow though the process of your divorce. Purposeful focus and direction are necessary for growth to occur, but that growth is a very real possibility for you. For me
I’ve been reading a book by that very title, Growth Through Divorce , by Jim Smoke, written in 1985. I don’t want to copy his work, but, I would like to share a few very helpful insights from him on getting your divorce and former spouse in focus for forward movement. For moving on. For growth and a healthy mindset.
The first advice Mr. Smoke offers is profoundly simplistic. And I do mean simple. Take the detachment ONE DAY AT A TIME. Duh. Why do we rush healing? Where do we get the idea that years of pain will be gone in days? We cannot wish away days and weeks because we think we are ‘not going to make it’. We are making it. We are still standing. Do we hurt? YES, is the resounding cry. But, we are making it. Is the future uncertain? YES, again. But, we CAN and MUST apply Philippians 4:6-7 to this uncertain future that can bring such worry:
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding and comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
We waste so much mental, emotional and spiritual energy racing back and forth between the past and the future. Rehashing the past exhausts us. Fretting over the future fatigues voraciously. Our energy must be used for the present. What can we do NOW for healthy choices to move us onward? How can we rest our minds NOW to bring that calm and serenity that we thrive upon each day?
Wishing for tomorrow and healing to get here NOW does NOT make today go away. Emotional healing is a much slower process than any physical healing could ever be. Even cancer treatments are shorter than healing from emotional woundedness. We must choose consciously to live in the NOW….as my great friend says, “Breathe in, breathe out and move on.” Now. Today only. NO breaths for tomorrow’s worries. Just today’s.
Immediately following the breakup of a marriage, feelings, resentments, and emotional struggles run high. If children are involved, constant contact with the former spouse means ongoing reminders of the painful situation. With proper boundaries in place, child support established, well thought out visitation schedules, etc. the contact can be consistent and the confrontations of pain lessened. Over time, if both of you choose healthy behavior and responses, the aggravation levels can lower.
This takes healthy responses from both of you. I am sorry if your own situation does not involve healthy minded individuals. This is a frustration of great weariness.
But, overall, with a healthy mindset towards healing, you can achieve it. One day at a time. Nothing worth attaining in life is ever easy. I remember that quote from my English teacher in seventh grade. And it is still true. Emotional healing will be yours. Do not rush it. Let it happen with each choice you make, each new day.
With the dawning of each new day comes new mercy. This is true of God. Let it be true with yourself. Show yourself fresh mercy each day. You have changed your role in life, maybe your name even, your identity from married to single, you’re a single parent, the changes have been drastic. Give yourself grace to settle in to all this altered life.
Grant mercy to yourself as you build reservoirs of strength for all your tomorrows while you face the changes of today.
You are alive. You are healing. You will make it through today. That is all you need know.
You are still standing. Keep standing. Establish your new self one day at a time.
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